I Should Be Folding Laundry

Remember

I just received flowers from some amazing friends.  They are beautiful and sunny and I love them.  But what means the most to me isn't the flowers, is that they used their names in the card, they said "James and Jake would forever remain in their hearts."  And well, that, means something to me, that means they feel them, too.  That tells me that people won't forget these two boys, and that means more to me than anything else.

From the moment we lost them I feared their lives would disappear, that people would forget them.  Just typing that line literally makes me sob, I still fear that so much.  It comforts me knowing how many people out there still feel them, and well, love them. 

I hear from people who do not take their children or their pregnancies for granted because of James and Jake.  People want to have something or do have something that is there personal reminder of James and Jake, people I have never met.  I wish I had a way to properly express what that feels like to me.  I think I feel honored above anything else.  Honored that I was chosen to be their Mom, honored that so many beautiful people out there know of them and really care.

After receiving the flowers, it got me to thinking, you know how cute newborns are, right?  Well, you know how you pick a newborn up and they're bodies are still scrunched up with their little booties sticking out?  Do you know what I'm talking about?

Well, I keep picturing that, I have no idea why, it just keeps playing over and over in my mind.   And it brings me to tears.  Usually, when I envision it, I remove it from my head with something else like watering the lawn or EATING.  But sometimes, I let myself imagine what our lives would be like right now, with two little babies and lifting them up while they are still scrunched up with their booties sticking out.  Sometimes I picture how hectic and tiring everything would be right now.  What it would be like to change that many diapers in one day?  How amazing it would be to figure out how we could tell the two apart.  Would James have a little birth mark?  Would Jake's ears be a little bigger than James'.

Right now, our house is so quiet.  And it just feels wrong.  And sad.

And sometimes I think about the fact that this weekend, we are going to try to memorialize  our sons by planting flowers and trees and whatever else I can get my grieving hands on and how it fills my heart knowing that this is all for them, but in reality, it breaks my heart that we are spending this weekend trying to memorialize our sons by planting flowers and trees.

Because it doesn't make me feel better, at least right now it doesn't.  Right now my heart hurts, I want to rip it out of chest and stomp on it.  This year I have felt the greatest joy I had ever known in my life and I have felt the heaviest sadness, pain and grief I could ever imagine.

It's just too much.

But we'll continue on, as we always do.  I'll dry my tears, all seven million of them, drink some coffee and drive somewhere to find just the right plants to plant in our garden.  The garden for James and Jake.  We don't need these things to help us remember them, but each spring, with each bloom and sign of green, it will be our reminder of how precious and sacred life really is. 

I think we could all use reminders like that.

The award for most miscellaneous post goes to...Me.

You came here and I'm just going to send you away.

Remember when my sister-in-law guest posted here last week?  And it was a heart wrenching, beautiful post about her husband's (my brother) departure to Iraq.  His third time going to Iraq.  Remember that post?  I wonder if you cried as hard as I did when you read it.  I was a hot mess.  A HOT MESS, I tell you!

Well, GUESS WHAT????  She started a blog!  I know!  And I would love it if you visited her and left her comments and showed her your looooove because she would love it and I would love it and her husband would love it and it would be a big, huge love fest.  So, go there, read, look at her fab new design (if I do say so myself) and leave her some love in the comments.  This blog is going to be an amazing distraction and a wonderful outlet for her, blogging is so fabulous and you are all fabulous, it's one big fabulous party.

Oh and I blogged over here.  Check that out, too, k?  And don't just go and read and leave, write a comment for the love of pete.

I know, I'm so needy.

By the way, I ordered Wii Fit and today it gave me my Wii Fit Age, if anyone can correctly guess my age, I will send you two boxes of Bug Bites.  I'm serious.  One guess per person. and I'll tell you my age tomorrow.  Things to keep in mind, my real age is 31 and if anyone guesses 104, I'll be mad, but you won't be too far off. or will you be?

The Newest Normal

We have been in this house for sixteen nights now, Brian has been gone for nine of those nights, he'll be home tonight, in about twenty minutes.  I'm keeping the kids up, they have no idea their Dad is going to be home.  It's fun, very fun, they are going to be so excited.

Servpro came by this morning and took all of the loud machinery out of my house, it felt so amazing to have my kitchen back.  Unfortunately, the final word is that they are going to recommend to our insurance that we get our floor replaced.  Which is good, I guess, it's just not simple and I crave simplicity right now.  But nothing is simple.

I actually spent my day working, doing laundry, cleaning, being a Mom, it was like the days before we sold our house, it was calm and enjoyable, it was really good, except now we are in this big, beautiful, amazing house.

I've been very emotionally stable these past three days and I am so grateful.  I'm just waiting for the moment when everything changes and I become emotional once again.  One thing is for sure, once I become emotional, it takes me hours to calm down.

Next time I become emotional, I need to just accept it and not fight it.  I'm learning.

This weekend we are going to put our landscaping in.  I love landscaping and you can be certain that I'll have before and after pictures.  We decided to do it this weekend as a way to dedicate our new flowers and plants and trees and shrubs to James and Jake.  I want to walk around my house knowing that each moment spent planting the flowers, that each time we dug through the rich soil, that it was for our boys.  I'm so glad we are able to do it this weekend, the weekend of their due date.

Racecar has asked me 22 times to sit on my lap in the past four minutes, I think I should let him, don't you?  I'll be back tomorrow...with pictures.

Pictures.

As promised, I am here to post some pictures.

Except I am not posting a ton of pictures of our house tonight, nope, instead, I am posting pictures a ton of pictures I took outside.  I LOVE taking pictures of nature, it makes me feel good, it's good for my soul, I love having the shots show up on my screensaver. Between you and me?  When taking pictures, I think of James and Jake with every shot, I'm not sure why, I just do.

Like I said, it's good for my soul.  (by the way, Carrie was wondering what kind of camera I have, Carrie, I have the Nikon D40X.  It's fantastic.)

It's been awhile since I have taken any fun outdoor pictures, but today the kids and I went for a walk in a park about six minutes from my new house.  My dream is to have some of my favorite photos printed (high quality, not at Walgreens) and professionally framed and then place them on my walls.  That would make me happy.  (anyone know of any photo printing service that's inexpensive?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Beuller?)

So, here are a few of the pictures I took.  And at the end I added a picture of my kitchen that I took tonight, all unpacked and moved in.  You can also see that Servpro is still at our house, YES, you read that right, they are still treating the flood that occurred last Wednesday.  Now all that's left is a smaller fan and a big de-humidifier, which is nothing compared to the two massive industrial fans that were there up until yesterday. Hopefully what's left in there now will be gone by tomorrow.  (with any luck, which  I seem to have none.)

On to the outdoor shots.  It was roughly 187 degrees outside with 100% humidity, which does not bother me, but the kids, well, they did not appreciate the heat, so time was limited, but the subjects were not.

And this one reminds of James and Jake.  I saw this tree and it was very symbolic and beautiful to me.

Here's a shot I took last week of a storm system that was heading in our direction.  I took this on my porch.  This storm barely even produced rain.

And here's my kitchen tonight, can you spot the machinery in the kitchen?

And here is what is supposed to be a dining room that we changed into an office.  I am loving the way this room is turning out.  It's part of Ruby & Roja Headquarters!  Now if I could just stop storing everything on the desk, maybe I could get some work done. This was taken at sunset.

Are you bored to tears, yet?  or do you want more house pictures?

O.K.

I wanted to stop in for a moment to tell you all that I am okay.  I finally have DSL and plan to have a HUGE POST TODAY complete with pictures and well, anything else that may bore you to tears.

Your comments helped me so much.  Right now at this moment, I feel stronger and that feels so very good to me.

Thank you for checking on me and caring for me and for loving me.  I don't know what I did to deserve such amazing people in my life, but I am so, so grateful to have you.  Thank YOU.

Sunday, July 13th, 2008. 3:29 p.m.

I am one week away from my due date.  I can remember way back in November, taking the pregnancy tests and not being able to fathom the fact that there was a child inside of me.  We were stunned, but happy.  I can remember sitting down and calculating the due date at babycenter.com, the date July 20th, 2008 popped up.  I took that date as a sign to call my Mom and tell her our exciting news because her birthday is July 20th.

It was a very exciting phone call.

I have always loved my Mom's birthday, I love taking pictures and watching her take in the faces singing to her, enjoying the song as if it's the most beautiful song she has ever heard, even though it doesn't sound very good at all.  On her birthdays, however, I often wonder how painful it must be to not be surrounded by all of her children, who are spread all over the country and sometimes, the world.  I wonder if she's thinking about her Mom, who is no longer with us.

For 30 years, July 20th was a day of celebration for me.   A celebration of my mother, her life, the person she is and all that she has brought into the world.

This year I fear July 20th.  FEAR.  I woke up today, feeling light and free and wide awake after a night out with friends and blogging buddies, Brian in North Carolina, the kids in their beds.

But then I broke.  My bravery, my strength, my walls came crashing down.  I am so sad, I am filled with grief, pain, despair, anger, and guilt.

Guilt, because this year, on July 20th, this day won't just be about my Mom.  This day will be about what is not in my arms, in our home, in our family.  Our hopes, our dreams, our faith - GONE.

I had planned to pretend that this year would be like every other.  But then I see the cross that holds their ashes, I see pictures of me while pregnant on my computer, a tiny baby sitting in her mother's arms, right next to me while trying to be social and strong, and I can no longer pretend.

At every moment, I am aware of this date, drawing near. 

I need your prayers and thoughts this week.  I feel so badly asking you for this, but I need to feel you surrounding me.  I want to run away from those quiet moments of grief, outside watering my flowers, during my showers, alone in my bed.  Those quiet moments that remind me of what we do not have.  OUR boys.  OUR sons.  Our beautiful James Thomas and Jake David.

Do they know how much I love them?  Do they know I would give anything to be their Mommy, here on earth?  To stay up late at night with them, to comfort them when they cry, to hold them to bring them comfort?  DO THEY KNOW THIS? 

It is more than I can bear.  I have always said, long before even losing James and Jake "I can handle whatever is given to me."  But now, I fear, I was wrong all along.

Her Soldier *updated*

Here's a note from Teresa to all of you.  (by the way...you, readers?  You are incredible.)

Wow.  I am truly overwhelmed by the responses to my story!  I want to thank each and every one of you for writing and sending your well-wishes and prayers our way.  I have to tell you that the more people I have to pray for my soldier the more secure I feel! He called in the wee hours last night and things are going well so far.  He should be sending me an address soon and to those of you who asked for it to send him a care package, I will be happy to pass it on.  This has truly been a remarkable experience for me and I appreciate all of your support and kindness.  What a wonderful group of women I had the privilege to hear from!  Again, thank you, thank you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I have a very special guest writer today.  Her name is Teresa.  She is my sister-in-law, her husband, my brother, Dan, left for Iraq two days ago.  I asked her to write for this blog, her thoughts and emotions as a way to share with all of us, just exactly what it's like to watch your spouse be deployed into a war zone.  Not one time, not two, but three times.  She sent this to me in the wee hours of the morning this morning and today, I opened up my laptop, at Panera and began to read, and I cried.  This is one of the most amazing, emotional, heart breaking things I have ever read.  I ask that you please show your support for both Teresa and Dan in the comments, they both check my blog regular and Dan is due to guest post sometime soon.  Thank you, Teresa.

I have survived day one and almost day two now without my soldier.  I say survived because that's exactly what it is.  Emotions are a heavy thing. The hard ones can eat you up if you let them. The night before he left I was actually patting myself on the back pretty much all day because I had kept it together. I even thought this time might be a little easier since I seemed to be getting through the day with smiles and no tears. The whole family went out together: Dada, Nommy, Ga, Ehtu and T-Monkey. (those are the names my 23 month old has given all of us in the house- and yes, she is the monkey!) Anyway, we all got through dinner with laughter and TONS of food and even a few happy pictures.  The last time he deployed none of us could eat or be in the same room together without crying. So, I thought this was great- piece of cake, right? 

Everything was going great until it was time to put the kids to bed. Since Dan had to be in at 4 in the morning for his weapons draw and itinerary check, we thought it would be best to let the kids stay up a little late and then stay in bed and sleep while I took him to the unit. We have this routine with T-monkey where we put on her music, give her a ba-ba while we rock her and then put her in the crib.  She's our last baby so give me a break about the bottle thing, ok?  Anyway, Dan took this shift since it would be the last time he would see and hold her for a good 8 months. And that's when it hit me.  Like a freakin' freight train. I lost it.  All control over tears and emotions just flew out of my Colorado windows.  All I could think about was how much he loves that little girl and lets her get away with anything and everything because she is his baby girl. 

I remember when I got pregnant with her- 9 years after my middle child- and he hoped and wished that it would be a girl because we had two boys already and that she would look just like me.  Well, he got exactly that - it's like he special ordered her from God!  And since then, she has been in control of his heart and I love it.  I kept thinking about how hard it's going to be for him to not wake up to her bright, curly-headed smiling face and her 'hi, dada' in the morning.  How she won't really understand why she doesn't see dada when she gets out of bed in the morning and why he hasn't appeared for dinner. How she won't understand that when she asks for dada he can't come to her and pick her up and save the day.  My heart is breaking and the tears are here again.

Then, it was the boys turn. They had kept it together really well for the past couple of days.  They are 14 and 11 and handsome and wonderful boys. They mow the lawn for me and do the dishes after dinner and crawl in bed with me for 30 minutes at night before they climb in their own beds just to hang out.  They are my saving grace.  We took them bowling, and Dan took them to the movies - just the guys- the day before. Dad even made their favorite ribs on the grill a couple nights before even though he really didn't have time. But that would be the last set of ribs to be made for about 8 months.  Lord knows I don't know how to make those things or even have the patience to mess with consistent heat on the grill!  It was time for lights out for them as well and I don't know if any of you know this but as a mother of little men, the hardest thing to see is your not- so -little boys trying to be brave and not cry for dad. In the end they couldn't hold it in.  They are veterans of this deployment thing. They have been through this 3 times before, really remembering at least 2 of them. This man of mine is their one and only hero.  They look up to him and think he is the best thing since sliced bread. They can't get enough of him. And now they are left with just me- to be the Dad and the Mom. To throw the football and play Wii with. (I have to admit I actually love the Wii!)

And I have to be strong and tough so they don't worry about me too.  They have enough to worry about.  I just pray that my lines of communication are open enough to them so that they can talk to me about anything, even embarrassing boy stuff that only Dad can hear about.  They only cried for a little while since they were so tired from staying up late.  My plan worked, a little.  I couldn't turn the water works off- I tried to go in my bathroom and look myself in the mirror and say "stop it, now. He needs you to be strong and happy.  You don't want him to think of you like this.. puffy eyed, red nosed, and absolutely hideous from all these tears. They can wait until tomorrow."  But I just couldn't do it.  It was my strong, handsome husband who found me and was strong for me. Holding me and telling me he'd be home before I knew it. That everything would be ok, just let it out and don't hold it in on his account. Superman, I tell ya.

We packed for the rest of the night trying to make sure he had everything he needed to get by at least until I could send him more. We had this whole romantic night planned but it just didn't happen.  I won't think about that though because originally he was supposed to have left on our anniversary and then his flight was pushed back.  That was really our night.  It was perfect and I felt so blessed that we were able to have one more anniversary together. That's the memory of us that I want to hold on to.

It was finally 3:30 in the morning and time to load the van and make that 25 minute trip to the Fort. It was silent. We held hands, tightly. Those damn tears just wouldn't stop. We promised each other no regrets. He kept insisting that everything was going to be just fine. If only I could tap into some of that incredible strength of his. 

When we get there it's sooo dark and sooo reminiscent of the first time he left when the war was just starting.  Back then he was a company commander and all of his 100 soldiers and their families were bustling about, getting their gear loaded, tons of pictures being taken.  All the guys were upbeat and ready to go and do what they had been training for ever since they first signed up. He was busy checking all the blocks on the list making sure he was ready to lead these men to the best of his ability.  It something right out of a movie.  This time, there would be only one other family there. A woman with her two small daughters dressed in jammies and wrapped in princess blankets. Her soldier, returning yet again just like mine.  Her soldier with the signs of war on his face, just like mine. Her situation just like mine, a single mom again. The signs of another deployment on her face, just like mine. We  understood each other without even having to say a word. I love the Army wife bond.  It's an incredible thing.

He has always made me laugh and this morning was no different- he was still being funny and putting a smile on my face. They drew their weapons and it was time to load the van. I had Dan walk me to the car cause the thought of seeing him get in the Army van and drive away was just more than I could handle. I missed him already and he was holding me in his arms.  I kissed his beautiful face and promised him I would take care of his babies. He promised me he would be safe and would be home soon. I pray for that.

I cried for the first 10 minutes on the trip home. I called my sister, and she comforted me enough that the tears subsided. I was doing ok, tired but ok until I pulled into our driveway by myself. Entered our home, by myself. Crawled into our bed, by myself. The loneliness punched me in the gut. I cried some more until I fell asleep. 

It's been 48 hours now since he left. He's already called to tell us that he's safely in Kuwait and is waiting for the next flight to Baghdad. I've been trying to clean the house and stay busy because the minutes are dragging by. I'm pretty stoked about the 2 days being behind us already. I've already sent him a picture of his baby girl of his two favorite things- her hair right after a bath and her playing in her Elmo t-shirt. I might be ready to walk out the front door tomorrow. I usually lay low for the first few days in fear of showing emotion in public especially in front of new neighbors. No promises. I did take the kids out in the back yard tonight to play so I feelthat's a good start. I don;t want anyone to feel sorry for us. We'll make it through this- just like we have in the past. Just well wishes and prayers will do.

And just a little side note, if you ever have the opportunity to support the U.S.O. please do so. While in Dallas, they showed our soldiers kindness, gave them free food and drinks and let them use cell phones while they waited for their flight.  It's a terrific organization. Oh, and if you ever see a soldier in uniform, don't be afraid to walk right up to them and shake their hand and thank them for their service.  It means more than you could ever know.

talk to me, man.

I need your help.  Going this long without internet, a husband, a Mom who is in Virginia and having 2 industrial sized fans and an industrial dehumidifier in my kitchen is getting the best of me.  And we don't even have a yard that I can toss the kids into and run back inside and sit myself in my pantry with cheetos while they play.   The kids and I even to see Wall E. today and went out for lunch and dinner, but I'm feeling kinda down.

Here's the thing.  I can read your comments on my blackberry and I am LOVING IT.  I am so grateful to have that little gem sitting next to me, I just wait and wait for the next electronic communication to travel to virtual doorstep.

And if you are wondering how I am posting this, I am sitting in the parking lot at Panera.  NO LIE.  The kids are in the back seat, turning the lights on and off and telling on each other and it's raining outside.  I'm about to stick some suckers in their mouths to buy me a few more minutes, just call me Mother of the Year.

So, this is how you can help me.  Leave me a comment.  Tell me something about you, like, how your summer is going, or what you order from Taco Bell when you go there.  OR, you can tell me if you think I should cut my bangs tomorrow?  I have a hair appointment at 11:30.  Currently, I think I look like a doobie brother with my long bangs, some people agree, others disagree, so should I cut my bangs?

Also, have you tried Bug Bites, yet?  I've introduced them to two people this week and both of them e-mailed me separately saying they loved them...and me.  Cause I introduced them to the beauty of the Bug Bite.

OH!  And did you see Christy and I changed our company name?!?!  We did, we love it.  Check it out.  ALSO - have you seen the new look and the big news over at 5 Minutes for Mom?  I think the new look is FABULOUS, if I do say so myself.

PLEASE HELP ME!  TALK TO ME, MAN!!!!

I didn't like having a nice kitchen anyway.

Today started out like a typical morning, I walked down the stairs and headed towards my coffee maker as quickly as my tired legs could go.  I heard water running and grew concerned and realized rather quickly that I was walking in water, at least an inch of water.  In my brand new kitchen, with the beautiful hardwood floors. 

I saw the water was coming from the back of the refrigerator, I called Brian who is on a business trip in North Carolina and I pulled the refrigerator out.  The water line that connects to the ice maker was no longer attached to the fridge.  In fact, when I pulled the fridge away from the wall, the hose was whipping around like a wild snake, I felt like I was reenacting the scene from Mr. Mom when he fights the hose from the washing machine, the water was spraying all over my kitchen and on my face and my glasses, I was soaking wet, my floors, the cabinets, the walls, everything, was wet.

I didn't even know where or how to begin the clean up, I eventually got out the shop vac and almost filled it up two times from the water in the kitchen alone.  While on the phone with Brian he said "you may want to check out the basement."  No, actually I do not want to check out the basement at all, I wanted to reply, I'll just pretend we don't have a basement, m'kay?

But eventually I went downstairs to find water EVERYWHERE.  The couches and carpet we had downstairs are ruined, crib mattresses and car seats and boxes of clothes are  soaking wet.  In the basement, however, our items weren't just wet, they were muddy and disgusting.

I got the kitchen pretty dry and put out three fans and washed about 80 towels but I could look down at the wood and see it starting to warp, the dark edges of each piece made me want to weep.

We decided two things.  Number one, we need to hire a company to come and dry us out completely.  Number two, call the insurance company.

After awhile, a restoration company came by and worked on the clean up, they took pictures and prepared the paperwork to be sent to our insurance company, the kids and I left the house for the evening because their massive fans and de-humidifiers were just deafening.  I'm pretty annoyed that this happened because it FINANCIALLY sucks.  This move has been so incredibly expensive and we really wanted to get a new, much larger dining room table, along with about 40,000 other things.

But instead, we are paying for people to dry our house out.  Talked about an unplanned expense.

The funny thing is, though, I don't really care that this happened., I mean, it sucks, for sure, but it's tolerable.  We may not be buying a new table anytime soon, but we do have a table, and a roof over our heads and a family to share dinners with.  And although it sucks that we are having to spend thousands of dollars, that we really do not have, on this ridiculous thing that happened, we still have a beautiful home and we are so grateful.

I talked to my friend Christy this afternoon and she said "you know, (with her beautiful Texas accent) I hate to be cliche, but when it rains it pours."  and she's right, I am aware.  I would be lying to you if I said I never once thought "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?  CAN'T WE CATCH A BREAK?"  Because I did think those thoughts but followed by those thoughts, in all honesty, were thoughts of gratitude and being fully aware of the good that is in my life.

My husband is out of town for two weeks, but he's not in Iraq.  (my brother left today for Iraq and won't be back until March - please keep him and his family in your prayers)
My house flooded, but it's okay, the floors have to be resurfaced and soon this will all be a memory.
My boys, my sons, died inside my belly, but somehow they are so deeply engraved in my heart that I feel them with me.  It's almost like I can feel their hands on my shoulders during these stressful times, hands of support and grace and love, speaking to me telling me everything is going to be okay.

Although silver linings typically drive me crazy, I was pretty proud of myself for allowing myself to listen to those words of encouragement deep inside my heart and my brain.

This experience today, is something that will be added to our catalog of memories that happened in our new house.  Last night, after the kids went to bed, my girlfriends came over and we sat in the living room and laughed and ate nachos and chocolate mousse cake, and yesterday morning I sat and watched my children sleep.

I realize that tomorrow morning I may wake up with a really bad attitude about what happened today, or maybe we'll find out that the floor will have to be totally replaced, but for right now, I'm pretty grateful that all we experienced today was a flood in our kitchen and basement.  Not that big of a deal at all, really.