Dear Me 2003

I bet you are so excited, about to have your first child.  You and your husband have done everything to prepare.  You've found out you are having a girl, you've decided on a name, the room is ready, every week throughout your pregnancy you have read what to expect, the clothes have been washed with Dreft and are sitting in the appropriate drawers waiting for the little bundle to be brought home.  There is even a package of tiny diapers on the floor waiting to be opened.  Only six weeks to go.  Only six weeks until your life is complete.  You can't wait to take the baby out in public, you'll be a family, it will be amazing.

But wait, be prepared, because you ate a little too much during your pregnancy, sister.  Too much meaning you ate more in eight months than in all your years combined.  Your blood pressure will become high and your doctor will send you for non-stress tests.  You think it's okay because that just more images of your precious baby you'll get to see. However, you'll go in and things just won't be right.  Blood pressure too high, baby not moving enough and all of a sudden, they're inducing you!  After 36 hours of pitocin and the pumping of magnesium sulfate into your veins to prevent seizures, they're going to perform a c-section.  At that point, it will be fine with you, although you always imagined that moment with your baby laying on you first after pushing her out, while you cry tears of laughter and joy, that moment you have longed for for so long.   And now, that moment is gone.  But that's okay, because it will be time!  To see her, hold her and nurse her, love her.

During the c-section, you won't feel a thing, don't worry.  (I can't say the same about the second child, but that's another letter.)  But you won't remember seeing her because they didn't show her to you.  No pictures will be taken, you'll just know it's a girl, you'll hear the cry and then you'll be asleep.  In the recovery room, your husband and Mom and sisters will be there to check in on you and to tell you that they're just monitoring her breathing, everything will be fine.  And don't you worry.  Everything will be fine.  But the next week will be difficult.  They are going to intubate your baby, your precious baby girl, before you have even touched her, a tube will be placed down her throat to help her breathe.  But it will be okay, I promise.  You will leave the hospital empty, both the car seat and your heart, and you'll cry, hard, the entire hour it will take you to get home.  At that point, you still haven't held her, but you'll pump religiously every 3 hours to ensure she receives the nutrients your body is so willing to give her.

The next day, you'll return to the hospital and hold her in your arms for the first time.  You'll be amazed at much you missed this little child that you only just met.  You'll marvel at the love you feel and this connection that has been created.  Although it wasn't how you imagined the first time being, it felt the same, maybe even better.  You'll try to nurse her and she'll latch on, but honey, only one time, she'll never latch on again.  Remember that moment, when she's latching on to you, receiving your goodness, because that will be it, but you will pump for five weeks, every three hours and you'll cry because you feel such guilt when you stop, please don't be sad.  You did so good.

And finally, one week after she is born, you'll bring her home and begin your fairy tale family life together.  You'll be happy and tired.  So tired.  Please rest, laugh with your husband and for God sakes, let him help you fold the laundry, no matter how poorly he folds.

Love Me in 2007

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Comments

[dcrmom]

That's great. I'm really enjoying reading these. I'm still waiting for the happy recap of your FL trip! ;-)

[Lynette]

That was so beautiful Beth. And what a fab idea! You have such a knack for writing. I thoroughly enjoy reading every post you write - keep them coming! Someday I totally see you writing a book.

[jodi]

That is awesome. I totally wish I could talk to myself in those early motherhood days. I'd say, "Suck it up and ask for help, damn it!"

[Tracey]

First, I love your letter. It is a combination of my experience with Bailey (pre-ecclampsia, mag sulfate, all that fun stuff) with Sam (born 5 weeks early, in the NICU for a week, etc). Great letter!

And I love the Dear Me project. I will have to contemplate my own. :)

[Elisa]

Omg, that made me just tear up and now I really want to cry for you in 2003. How hard that must have been.

You really reminded me how lucky I was not once but twice. :)

[Tracy]

Great letter Beth!! Maf sulfate...I remember it so well!!!

[J. Fergie]

Love this. When I read this part, I felt a pang in my heart: "You did so good." Because it's so true, isn't it? And yet we are so hard on ourselves. What a beautiful letter.