Five weeks ago right now - I was doing just as I am doing now. Catching up on work, reading blogs, watching Racecar play Wii. Five weeks ago right now, I was so excited about being chosen as a finalist for the Pinks and Blues Virtual Baby Shower. I couldn't wait to see how the results played out. Whether I won or not, I could not believe I was chosen to be a top 10 finalist when there were over 500 entries. I was honored. It was five weeks ago today that the voting opened.
My phone rang. Things happened. I eventually went to see if my friend, a nurse at my OB's office, could hear the twins' heartbeats. I never doubted she would be able to, I just wanted to KNOW and FEEL BETTER once I was reassured.
That's not what happened.
After spending what seemed like hours at the hospital in the ultrasound room and going back up to the doctor's office to discuss delivering my babies - at 19 weeks - we came home. The doctor told me to eat, so I did. I made a turkey sandwich. My niece came over to stay with the kids overnight. It was 5:00 p.m. We made plans to be at the hospital at seven. I e-mailed Ariel's teacher and told her Ariel would not be at school the following day. I told her why. I then e-mailed Pinks and Blues and told them what was going on. I obviously could no longer be a finalist for the baby shower, it broke my heart to send that e-mail. Not because I lost my chance to win the shower, but because I lost my babies. The true prize, the true gift.
I have many thoughts regarding Sharon, Jane and Audrey at Pinks and Blues. I feel so much love for them because of the amazing support they have shown me during this horrific ride we have been on. Sharon wrote this post, such beautiful words, remembering James and Jake. I often go back and read that post, my heart aches but swells with love at the same time. (please. click on that link and read that post.)
Because of Pinks and Blues, we took a family picture, the one on my March of Dimes badge up there on the left. One week after taking that, I was home from the hospital, no longer pregnant, surrounded by family, surrounded by flowers, surrounded by grief. But I see that picture and somehow, it makes me so happy and so sad, all at the same time. I see that picture and I wish I could warn me, "WATCH OUT. Your life is going to change. You will never be the same. You will be in pain. You will be devastated. But I think you'll be okay."
It's the only family picture we have with me being pregnant with James and Jake. I have no doubt it's why I was chosen to be a finalist. For that picture.
When Pinks and Blues informed me that I was a finalist, they asked me to write the story of when I found out James and Jake were twins. I'm going to share that now. This is my journal, this blog. I want document all I can, happy moments and sad moments.
This is one of the happiest moments of my entire life. Right here.