How about I just wear Spanx and we'll call it a day?

THANK YOU for your encouragement to return the jeans back to The Gap, that's exactly what I did.

Yesterday, I called my friend Lynette and asked her if I could drop the children off at her house, she said yes, so off I went on a denim adventure - alone with three hours to spend on denim alone.

First, I went to Macy's where I tried on Calvin Klein's, DKNY and Lucky Brand.

No luck.

Then, I ventured to The Buckle, where I had a very knowledgeable Denim Expert helping me find the perfect pair of jeans.  I tried on about sixty-five different pairs, all of which looked like something a sixteen year old girl would wear, not that I have anything against that look, it's just something I try to avoid and have since I turned seventeen. 

I began to question my Expert's opinion when I barely squeezed into a size 10 (30 at The Buckle) and she thought I needed a smaller size.  Wha?  Huh?  Me?  I must have forgotten to mention to her my requirements to walk and breathe.

How silly of me.

She also decided to help me find shirts, mostly I wear a size large, but in teeny-bopper sizes I wear an extra large and maybe even a double extra large or sometimes even a triple extra large, but they didn't have anything larger than a size large.  So, I tried them on, trying to be a good sport for my Expert, but everything squeezed me and showed things that even I hadn't seen before. 

The shirts were not good, not good at all.

After trying on the sixty-five pairs of jeans and seven shirts, I walked out, empty handed.  Well, not really empty handed, I had my stretched out size 12 Long and Leans that I had to yet to return to the store down the hall.

I walked into The Gap, all ready for a HUGE FIGHT and I was like "Hi, I bought these on Saturday and I wore them on Sunday and they <insert lie here.>" 

Yes, I lied.

OMG, I'M SO CHICKEN.

I'm not going to tell you what my lie was because I'm afraid The Gap Mafia will come to my house and beat me up with a pair of khakis and a matching scarf.

I would tell you, however, after one margarita.  No doubt about it.

(I totally said the zipper would not stay up!  I know!  I'm so smart.  And he was like, "yes, I can see where it's kinda torn here."  He said while pointing to the top of the zipper.  I was all like "yeah, sure, whatevs, can I get a different pair, yes or no?")

So, off I went to the dressing room equipped with four different cuts of jeans - Long and Leans, Boot-cuts, The Essential and some curvy jean.  (hint: Curvy does not mean for larger women, it means for tiny, itsy bitsy, petite little women.  You are welcome.)

I did not fall in love with any of the jeans, but I left with the size ten Long and Leans and I am currently trying to stretch them out.  I've done leg bends, toe touches, downward dog and other stretches you do not even want to think about, I'm even trying hard to forget about some of the ways I contorted my body trying to get these jeans to fit better and although they are better, they're still tight.  Painted on, really.

After exchanging my jeans at The Gap, I still went to Old Navy to make sure there were no better jeans out there for me.  and I was right.  I hate every pair of jeans that ever existed.   I was exhausted - I felt fat and beat up after trying on so many pairs of jeans in front of all of the evil mirrors.

So, I ate Taco Bell afterwards to make me feel better.  It totally worked.

Thank God for Spanx.

Comments

[elle]

I would have eaten the Taco Bell too. I hate trying on jeans.

[Becky]

Trying on genes is always so humiliating. I actually (I cannot believe I am admitting this) *cried* in Gap once when I couldn't find a pair that fit me.

Yes, not only did I cry, but I wept.

Very mature, eh?

[Val]

I have tried all kinds of Jeans....but my faves are the Mossimo's from Target. They have one particular type called boyfriends.
And they are fab! Have not been able to find a pair of jeans that fit as nice as these.

Hope that helps in your quest. Because I have been to the mall and tried everything....

[Nicole]

Oh the BUCKLE! I LOVE the Buckle for jeans! You need to ask for the LUCKY BRAND WONDER jeans! You will LOVE them! It is true that you want to buy them SNUG because they will stretch out and then they will be TOO BIG! Go back to the Buckle and try again. I wear a 27(size 4)and after I wear them...they get lose in the legs and butt but upon buying them they're snug. I think you will like their jeans. Of course you need to be willing to pay over $100 ;) Try it again and update us.

Taco Bell....LOVE Taco Bell...I do the same thing when I'm feeling sad...there's nothing that an Enchirito or Mexican Pizza can't fix :) I'm right there with you! Of course then I'm downstairs on the treadmill working those calories off. Hee hee. But boy did it taste good!

Now....go shopping again....go back to the Buckle!!!!!!! I promise you will find the "right" jeans and you will LOVE wearing them(plus they will make you feel good!).

Nicole

[girlymama]

spanx are totally the only reason i am not still wearing maternity clothes! i'm going shopping for some clothes (esp pants!) that may perhaps actually fit while still allowing me to draw breath tonight -- wish me luck! i'll stay out of the buckle!

[Erika]

see, this is why I have a new pair of jeans *hanging* to dry on the rack, and ended up eating a container of caramel pecan popcorn in bed (the shame the shame). The jeans may or may not do up on Thursday when I need them to, but I can pretty much guarantee that they'll be creeping down my hips after 2 hours because that's what they ALL do!

I would honestly rather buy a bikini than go through this horror every year...and I don't have a beach bod!

[Adventures In Babywearing]

Oh hilarious. I totally totally know what you mean and have done the SAME thing. With long & leans from the Gap. That's all there is left for us, people!

Steph

[Frances]

Jeans are like temptation from the devil.

[Karen]

I would *almost* rather shop for a bathing suit than jeans. Nothing can send my self esteem deeper into the toilet than shopping for jeans.

Do you have a Maurice's where you live? Their store brand jeans are fab, totally hip AND made for a mom, not a 15 year old girl with no hips.

[Sherry]

What can I say... The jean companies are very anti-mom. The problem seems to be in the thigh area... I have too much of it and not enough space available in today's jeans. To get the thighs to fit, the waist is toooooo large hence the post-two-hour-stretched-out fall down. And really, how hard is it to make a jean labeled straight leg to really be straight leg? I don't need my thigh area accentuated by a narrowed knee area. Sheesh... Anyway, good luck with your jeans.

[wfbdoglover]

Shopping for clothes usually sends me into a hyperventalation attack. I'm not joking.

I have been enjoying your jeans blogs - I must admit.

Having sleep problems myself, I watch a lot of late night mindless television. Last night something caught my eye - HSN - Dr. Rey. I had to turn it on to see what it was about. Well Dr. Rey has developed some Shapewear that will help you loose enough inches to fit into those size 10 jeans...

Check it out...

http://fashion.hsn.com/instant-shape-by-dr-intimate-apparel_c-fa0031_a-5061_xc.aspx?kw=drreyundergarments&sourceid=googbg&prev=hp!sf&rdr=1&cm_mmc=Paid%20Search%20Brand-_-Google-_-Fashion-_-dr%20rey%20undergarments

[StorkWatcher]

I could more easily go swimsuit shopping than jeans shopping!

Now, the only jeans I wear are Eddie Bauer. Apparently, one of their styles (and I always forget which one) is made for truly curvy women. I'm more hourglass shaped (now, doesn't that sound nicer than slightly pear-shaped) - smaller waist than hips. Completely average, if you ask me. But everything else everywhere seems to be made for those with much much longer legs and much larger waists. So if they fit my hip/thigh area, they're going to gap in the back a few inches (and I don't think that's what the GAP means by their brand name. Just happens to work that way in my case).

[Amanda-VintageDutchGirl]

While I have had a smidgen of luck at the Gap with their Favorite Trouser Jean...aka my jeans of perfection sveltness....

I understand the trauma and emotional breakdowns that are necessary when trying on jeans.

[pinksandblues]

Oh, you crack me up! (Not in the sense of how tight jeans fit... you know, "cracked" UP!).

I was thinking of you last night when my husband and I went to Sam's club to buy some cheese that Audrey and Jane's husband Steve love. OK. Thank you, thank you very much for acknowledging what a great parents and in-laws we are!

But anyway, going to Sam's club is an exercise in self-restraint every time... and when we passed one of the center aisles with the Calvin Klein jeans advertised for what cost less than the cheese... well, we HAD to stop. This is when YOU totally came to mind. There are no dressing rooms, and I HATE HATE HATE to return things, so I did a trick that Audrey taught me from her days in fashion at Donna Karan... put the waist around your neck, and if it fits perfectly around your neck, then it will fit your body where it should. Now I know that this sounds crazy, but it works every time. So here I was thinking of you, wrapping jeans around my neck, and hoping that all the people staring at me didn't think I was drunk on bad vinegar.

Well, the waist was a perfect neck fit, even though the jeans were 2 sizes bigger than what I wear. So I bought them. They were $12.oo. Yes. $12.oo. I couldn't wait to get home to try on my bargain... and you know what!? They fit. PERFECT! The only thing I need is to get them hemmed 'cuz they were made for someone 5'11" and I'm 5'2".

You made my day with this post... because buying jeans for me (except cheap ones, I guess!) is like asking me to hang-glide nude to a class reunion in the middle of the winter.

Much love, Sharon

[Shantel]

Beth,

I agree with all the girls above. Jeans are the worst thing to shop for besides bathing suits. I am with Nicole, I love the Buckle and also love the Lucky Brand Wonder Jeans. They are more relaxed than alot of their jeans. Did you happen to try that brand on? Probably don't remember because I know how the Buckle is, they give you tons of jeans to try one and it gets very frustrating and depressing.

Hope you are having a good week.

Shantel

[pinksandblues]

Oh, you crack me up! (Not in the sense of how tight jeans fit... you know, "cracked" UP!).

I was thinking of you last night when my husband and I went to Sam's club to buy some cheese that Audrey and Jane's husband Steve love. OK. Thank you, thank you very much for acknowledging what a great parents and in-laws we are!

But anyway, going to Sam's club is an exercise in self-restraint every time... and when we passed one of the center aisles with the Calvin Klein jeans advertised for what cost less than the cheese... well, we HAD to stop. This is when YOU totally came to mind. There are no dressing rooms, and I HATE HATE HATE to return things, so I did a trick that Audrey taught me from her days in fashion at Donna Karan... put the waist around your neck, and if it fits perfectly around your neck, then it will fit your body where it should. Now I know that this sounds crazy, but it works every time. So here I was thinking of you, wrapping jeans around my neck, and hoping that all the people staring at me didn't think I was drunk on bad vinegar.

Well, the waist was a perfect neck fit, even though the jeans were 2 sizes bigger than what I wear. So I bought them. They were $12.oo. Yes. $12.oo. I couldn't wait to get home to try on my bargain... and you know what!? They fit. PERFECT! The only thing I need is to get them hemmed 'cuz they were made for someone 5'11" and I'm 5'2".

You made my day with this post... because buying jeans for me (except cheap ones, I guess!) is like asking me to hang-glide nude to a class reunion in the middle of the winter.

Much love, Sharon

[Thea @ I'm a Drama Mama]

I.

Hate.

Shopping.

For anything. But especially jeans. I always seem to have a big gap in the back and I hate it.

Hate.

It.

[Midwest Mommy]

Not sure where you live but if there is an H&M store you can get to I just found the best jeans ever! They actually fit to the waist and not in an old granny type of way. They also come in sizes like men's jeans do so you can get your exact fit (32/32, 31/30...). I just bought a pair this weekend for $40 and I love them! They are awesome and fit great. We sound like we have the same jean problems and I am the same size as you...
If you don't live near an H&M might be worth a plane ticket :-)

[Tara R]

Good for you!

[Lisa B @ simply His]

I really struggle with fashion stuff :)

I've been following Shari Braendel's blog -- she's a Christian speaker on fashion and image.

She mentioned in a Jeans post that she found a great site to compare jeans

http://sharibraendel.blogspot.com/2008/01/jeans-update.html

-- and find the perfect pair for you. It's called Zafu http://www.zafu.com/ . Maybe it'll help you. Her blog is also the first time I ever heard about Spanx -- yet I have not gone to get any :)

[ok, where was I]

I just got all caught up on your jeans posts, and can I just say, you're hilarious. Everything you said, ditto. I wear mine for at least a week, until they're feeling baggy, and then I wash them just to get them to fit again, but then they're so snug! Hello, muffins indeed. My favorite pair ever was a maternity pair, and every once in a while I'm tempted to get them out and wear them.

[Jackee]

Try Carsons Beth, they like real women there! I like Lee-look-pounds-thinner-stretch-mid-rise-bootcut-stretch jeans.
I can at least move in them.
Spanx couldn't help me yesterday, when I tried on a one piece job. Spandex, strapless, waist cinching to the mid thigh deal that I couldn't pull up past my navel. I needed a stick of butter and a spatula to get my back fat into it and HORRIFIED, I couldn't get my boobs to fall into it as it was too short in the crotch. I felt faint as I turned to watch this whole scene in the 360 degree mirror that some smart A** has installed in the lingerie dressing room. (heavy sigh) I need this slimming device to help make the dress for my step daughters wedding appeasing to the eye. If I wanted to watch a blob of squirming white blubber I would have gone to the Aquarium where the beluga whales are so charming in the water. I'd be wearing a long raincoat. How many calories are there in a margurita?

[Mel]

I hate shopping trips like that! I have J Crew jeans and love them. I also got a pair of Nautica that I like. Good luck with the stretching.

[G. Sol]

That is what spanx are for!

[that girl]

that's why god invented "yoga pants."