I Should Be Folding Laundry

Ask *comments closed*

**I had to close comments, otherwise I'd be answering questions throughout the weekend, and I can't seem to think of anything that could be more boring for you.  So, I did it for you.  Because I love you.**

I'm looking for a little healthy distraction from my grief and you are just the people that can help me, I know this, because you have helped me before.

I have seen many bloggers do what I am about to ask you to do, I've always been intrigued by what the results would be if I were to do the same.  Today is the day that I do the same.

In the comments section, I need you to ask me a question.  It can be about anything and I'll answer it in a post.  You just have to ask.  It can be deep, trivial, colorful or boring.  It can be something you have always wanted to ask me but never had the guts to, or it can be something that you just thought of now, while reading these words.

So, ask away.  And tomorrow - I'll give you answers. 

After you ask me a question, head over to Megan's (one of my favorite bloggers) and tell her something about you.  It's a great day to share.

P.S.  I have a post over here.   But don't go there until you have asked me a question. Man, I can be bossy.

Trying to remain calm *updated*

Tonight I am doing something that I am not sure I am ready for.

I am going to Mommy's Group.  You know, the group of amazing girls that would do anything to make me feel better?  The ones who supplied delicious dinners to my family for weeks after losing James & Jake.  The ones who sent flowers?  The ones who send e-mails?  The ones who walk for Team James & Jake?

You know, those girls?

What is it about grief that makes social situations so difficult?  I had no idea.  I was clueless.  Totally clueless.

I am petrified.  I don't know why, I just am.  I have about thirty reasons why I THINK the reason is, but all I know is that I am anxious and petrified.

I made the dish I am bringing.
I have showered.
My Soul Sister is driving me there to ensure my comfortableness.  (OMG, is that really a word?)
Crooked Eyebrow gave me a pep talk.

and I'm not sure I can do it.

Please send positive thoughts in this direction.  I need them.  Desperately.

***I survived.  That's all I needed to know.***

 

Blogher, anyone?

Is anyone here traveling to San Francisco this July for Blogher 2008?

I would really like to attend this year, but I added up the expenses and let's see - carry the one, add the two divide by three multiply by 600 and we get ONE THOUSAND SMACKERS.  (don't question my mad math skillz) 

I just don't have a thousand dollars to spend on the conference.  Which sucks because I'd like to go.  Really, I would.  When I was pregnant with the twins I was kinda bummed that I couldn't go since I was due on July 20th, but now, I guess I can go, but really...I can't.  Cause you know, it costs eleventy billion dollars.

So - are you going?  Can I sneak into your suitcase?

A Meme

Jo-Lynne put me in the mood for a meme, here you go:

Where is your cell phone?  My NEW Blackberry Curve is in my purse which is on the kitchen counter with everything else in my house.

Your significant other?  Is very easy going, loving, polite and handsome.  Oh and he empties the dishwasher every single day.

Your hair? Is longer than it's been since I was a child, although I mostly wear pony tails.  I am pretty bored with my hair, but I will not be cutting it anytime soon.

Your mother?  Beautiful and thoughtful, she is a mail carrier and I think she knows everything about gardening.

Your father?  Quiet, nice and he loves the Cubs and loves to golf.

Your favorite thing?  I have a lot of favorite things - my family, really good ice cream, delicious hot coffee with cream, my Blackberry, my bed, laying in the hot summer sun next to a pool.

Your dream last night? I think my medication makes me have the craziest dreams, my dream was very vivid but I will not go into details.  It had do to with a big castle and Disneyworld.

Your favorite drink? Ice cold water with a straw and coffee.

Your dream/goal?  To send all my children to college, guide them to have careers they are passionate about, I would also like to someday be a professional photographer.

The room you a€™re in? Living room.

Your ex?  Was sweaty.

Your fear?  Losing a child.

Where do you want to be in 6 years? In a big house with lots of kids, feeling happiness and feeling like a strong, confident woman.

Where were you last night?  At Wal-Mart - it was snowing and windy.  They were almost out of chocolatey chip teddy grahams.  (my current food addiction)

What you a€™re not?  Patient & strong.

Muffins? I love warm chocolate chip muffins.  I hate blueberry muffins.

One of your wish list items? A new treadmill.

Where you grew up?  Northwest Indiana.

The last thing you did?  Made a bowl of fruit for my daughter.

What are you wearing? My Levi's 515s and a short sleeve green shirt.  I like green right now.

Your TV?  Is annoying - Ariel is watching the Fairly Odd Parents.
 
Your pets? NONE. 

Your computer? A Dell Inspiron 6000 Laptop.  We are best friends.

Your life?  Is always good, but right now my life is also hard.

Your mood?  Calm and a little sad.

Missing someone? Oh gosh yes.

Your car?  A 2001 Town & Country - it's getting a fix up on Thursday with new suspension and tires, I can't wait.

Something you a€™re not wearing?  Underwear.  Just kidding, I'm not wearing earrings.

Favorite store? This question is too hard to answer.  I have an admiration for all stores.

Your summer?  Has lots of smores and outdoor time, I'm a sucker for anything smores.

Like someone? Everyone.

Your favorite color?  Right now I like green.

When is the last time you laughed?  The last time I laughed really hard was Saturday night with my family playing Wii.

Last time you cried? Yesterday and the day before that.  I have never cried so much in my entire life.

Who will repost this?  If you are reading this - you have been tagged.  Let me know if you played along.

 

The Perfect Day

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.

I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000.  Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot.  (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 - you can still donate.  Something tells me we'll hit $11,000.)

The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team. 

As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day.  My heart started to melt seeing these people.

I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause.  I am in awe of Stacie.

Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on.  These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it.  Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat.  Thank you, Amy - my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us.  I think you are awesome.

The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk.  Pride & disbelief is what felt. 

Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place.  Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies.  Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.

The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker.  Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons.  I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake.  I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.

We started off the walk - Team James and Jake in our shirts - we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul.  But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.

As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane.  I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses.  I thought about all of you - I walked for you, too.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done.  I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that's what we set out to do.  As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can't and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them.  And I will walk for them again.

Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake.  It was the perfect day.

It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 - the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald's gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts - I know we are loved and I thank you for it.  We feel your love.  I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.

The tears may be flowing, but so is the love.  The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.

Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow's flickr page.)

Starting the walk.  (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)

Left to right - my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece's boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)

 

Love

$10,435

The love of family and friends.  The love of everyone who donated.  The love we feel from this blog.  The love from other bloggers - who are, thankfully, my friends.  It's overwhelming.  Thank you.

Check us Out

Check out our team total...can you help us reach our NEW goal of $10,000??

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

We are stunned.
We have goosebumps.
We are in awe.
Tomorrow will be a day we will never forget.

Thank you.  Thank you for honoring James & Jake.

To donate to the March for Babies, simply click here.

These little boys sure have made a big impact.  Although I feel such sadness - they have changed me in so many positive, amazing ways.

Lydia Grace

My dear friend Amy and her family are walking in honor of their daughter in the March for Babies, as I type this.  Lydia Grace was born with a birth defect called anencephaly, she passed away the day she was born in December of last year.

Amy and I went to high school together - never in our wildest dreams did we think something so devastating would bring us even closer together.

What an amazing tribute to be walking in their beautiful daughter's honor.  Amy, Mike, Alex and Lora - I love you and am proud to be walking for Lydia tomorrow.

It does bring me comfort knowing our precious children are together right now, feeling all of the love for them here on earth.

Lydia's Grace has raised over $4,000 - simply incredible.

This is an example of how necessary raising funds for the March of Babies is - many babies and their families need your help every single day.  I hope you consider helping Team James & Jake reach their goal of $9,000 - we are so very close.  If you'd like to give - click here.

Amy (pregnant with Lydia Grace), Mike and big brother Alex. 

Feeling like a winner

The winner of the McDonald's gift card is Maria (yahoo address.)  Maria has been notified and the gift card will be sent out on Monday.  Congrats, Maria.

Interestingly enough, even though I haven't won a thing, I can't help but feel like the biggest winner of them all, thanks to your generosity.  Team James & Jake is rockin' and rollin'.  Thank you to all of you that have opened up your hearts (and wallets) and donated.  And thank you to those who will be donating.  Your compassion, your generosity, and your love completely blow me away.

seriously.

Inside my heart, I feel such sadness, but with each donation that comes in, it's like you are personally coming to my house and giving me a hug.

Thank you for honoring James & Jake and all babies with your donation.

Can Team James & Jake hit $9,000.00 before Sunday ?????  Check our progress here!!
We are almost there!

I'm in no mood

I could not think of a good title for this post.  My options were "Crap Crap Crap" or "Did you see Carly got voted off?" or "I'm in no mood."  I believe I chose the appropriate one.

This week is hard.  Harder.  Almost too difficult to face head on, fortunately, I have no choice. The difficulty has something to do with returning from our trip to California, I may have escaped from the madness of everything a little too well.  So, on our way back to LAX, my feelings, my thoughts, my mood turned dark.  And dark it has all remained.

Plus, the March of Dimes is this weekend.  You know, that amazing walk where my friends and family, and incredible, caring blog readers are rallying together to walk in honor of James and Jake?   That walk??  I can't wait, but OH MY GOD, I am so scared.  I'm so scared of the emotion.  The love.  The anxiety.  But mostly, the emotion.  Our team has raised almost $8,000 - I am so touched and amazed.  But there is so much pain and reality that comes along with this greatness.

I feel like all of my relationships are in critical condition.  They're in the ICU, I desperately want to fix them, but I'm no shape to be a doctor right now.  I'm not strong enough.  So, I hide or pretend nothing is wrong, when really, something big is very wrong. 

My pregnant friends are getting bigger, they're finding out the sexes of their babies, they're planning, they're so happy - and I am so happy for them, I am excited for them, I pray for them, for their health and their happiness, I love them all so much.  But I am not pregnant and I should be.  I haven't been for eight weeks and it kills me. 

KILLS ME.

I had another appointment with my OB yesterday, we talked candidly, she says I'm all set, she feels good about my meds, can't guarantee this won't happen again (DAMNIT) and she'll see me in September.  Even in September she won't make me wait in the waiting room.  She told me so.   I wonder what I'll be like in September, I hope I'm good.  I pray I'm good. 

The trip we took to L.A., the walk this weekend, my doctor's appointment, my social anxieties, my fears, my shattered dreams, are all happening because I lost James and Jake.  The reality is hitting me this week.  I hate reality.

I hate it all.  Except you.  I love you.  I love my family.  I love my life.  There is this portion of my life, an all consuming portion that sucks. 

I think it's going to suck for a long time and I just have to accept it.

Don't worry, I'll keep my head up.  And I'll try, I'll try so hard to stay focused on the positives, but sometimes, it doesn't make a difference - I'm still so sad.