The kids are staying over at Grandma's.
Brian won't be home until midnight.
Some of my girlfriends are coming over.
There will be food. Margaritas. Sangria. Guacamole. Sex on the Beach. Laughter. and Wii.
But as I pour the vodka into the pitcher and I stir with the rum and the cranberry juice, I realize. This is not what I should be doing. It's what has been sitting on the fore front of my mind all day long.
I'm supposed to be carrying my boys, wobbling around, drinking water. And I'm not. And THAT is a hard pill to swallow. I realize now, how very long it will take me to swallow that pill. If I ever can.
I'm grateful for my friends, my family for they help fill the emptiness that I feel inside. I'll laugh and maybe sing and dance, and I can't wait.
But somehow, tonight, more than ever, I miss my James and Jakie. My heart hurts so badly.
I wish I had something profound to say to you. There really are no words, though. I do know that you are helping others with your honesty...and perhaps that can be a small comfort in the midst of this pain.
Posted by: Emily | May 23, 2008 at 06:44 PM
I hope you surprise yourself and have a really fun night, although I understand your feelings of it not being right at all, too. I've been thinking about you this week - you're a bit more scarce (busy designing beautiful new looks for fellow bloggers, yay!) and I've wondered how you're doing. Take care and enjoy the long weekend.
Posted by: Megan (FriedOkra) | May 23, 2008 at 07:07 PM
Emily and Megan said it all so succinctly. I just echo their thoughts. Have a wonderful time tonight!!!! Hugs, Susan
Posted by: Susan@stopcallingmethat | May 23, 2008 at 07:16 PM
I wish there was something I could say to make things easier tonight, but I'm just not that good with words. A good night with the girls hopefully will help. I mean what's not to love about a bunch of women getting tipsy playing Wii? I actually had a similar night with your sister Sarah a little while back & it definitely helped me. In case you didn't know it, she's freakin' funny :) Try to enjoy your night as much as possible. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: Sarah M. | May 23, 2008 at 07:45 PM
I wish there was something I could say to fill that hole in your heart. I know what it feels like to ache for something you cannot have. Just know you're not alone, my thoughts will be with you. (and many other's thoughts as well!)
Posted by: SarahC | May 23, 2008 at 07:54 PM
enjoy your night, beth. i wish so badly that you had to be drinking water...but enjoy your night in honor of them: greiving, laughing, dancing, singing and drinking. =)
Posted by: ~lovelyn | May 23, 2008 at 07:54 PM
It's a good thing you have your girls to hang out and make you feel better.
Posted by: RubiaLala | May 23, 2008 at 07:59 PM
I have all the same wishes for you. I hope you have fun, in between the painful moments.
Posted by: anymommy | May 23, 2008 at 08:16 PM
I just watched "PS I LOVE YOU" on DVD. Maybe watching that, with a good cry, will bring some closure. Watch it and see.
PS - we all love you.
Posted by: that girl | May 23, 2008 at 08:20 PM
I wish I could say something to make the pain easier and my heart breaks for you each and every day. I hope you and your girlfriends have a fun night and just for a few hours, your heart will not be as heavy. I read your blog every day but this is my first time to comment. I have so much respect for you for putting your thoughts down everyday despite how you may feel inside. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of you and your family each and everyday. Prayers are said each day for you.
Posted by: Jennifer | May 23, 2008 at 08:32 PM
Oh sweetie, I pray tonight brings you more and more healing. I'm proud of you for stepping out and choosing to let others in.
Posted by: Carrington | May 23, 2008 at 08:36 PM
Oh sweetie. Those moments are going to happen. They will hit you like a ton of bricks too. I was at a picnic on Sunday night for our organization. A woman introduced herself as someone who followed Allie's story. Her daughter, a beautiful blonde with super curly hair, is only two days older. There in the middle of the picnic, it hit me. I looked at that little girl oncing her over with the thoughts of how big Allie would be. Would they be friends, would Allie be this tall? Couldn't stop thinking about it.
I hope you enjoy your evening with your girlfriends. Have a great time with them.
Posted by: Jenny Scott | May 23, 2008 at 09:10 PM
Oh hugs to you Beth--lots and lots of hugs.
Posted by: Michelle | May 23, 2008 at 09:11 PM
Dear Beth,
Grief has so many levels and so many dimensions... sometimes it is a whisper, and other times it is a scream. It is a gnat one moment, and a dinosaur the next. Sometimes it comes like a snail, and other times like a freight train. The hardest thing for us is that we can't predict when and how it comes. But once, in my lowest point of grief, my grandmother told me that my angels want so very much for me to be happy. I will never forget that moment because I truly believe her message. I think of her... one of my most beloved angels now... when I am most saddened, and I smile up at her. Happiness and joyfulness are the reasons, I think, that angels exist. You baby boys cherish your moments of joy... they truly do. Your moments of joy honor them.
xo - Sharon
Posted by: pinksandblues | May 23, 2008 at 09:24 PM
Dear Beth,
Grief has so many levels and so many dimensions... sometimes it is a whisper, and other times it is a scream. It is a gnat one moment, and a dinosaur the next. Sometimes it comes like a snail, and other times like a freight train. The hardest thing for us is that we can't predict when and how it comes. But once, in my lowest point of grief, my grandmother told me that my angels want so very much for me to be happy. I will never forget that moment because I truly believe her message. I think of her... one of my most beloved angels now... when I am most saddened, and I smile up at her. Happiness and joyfulness are the reasons, I think, that angels exist. You baby boys cherish your moments of joy... they truly do. Your moments of joy honor them.
xo - Sharon
Posted by: pinksandblues | May 23, 2008 at 09:26 PM
Sweet one, I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. Unfortunately, I think time is the only thing that can ease the agony. And then it's God turn to heal the wound.
Prayers. Try to enjoy yourself tonight. James and Jake would surely want that.
Posted by: Kelly @ Love Well | May 23, 2008 at 09:27 PM
Share with your friends a little bit, you can all cry together. Eventually the tears will turn into laughter. Ablove all there will be love, and that is what matters!
Posted by: Susan | May 23, 2008 at 10:01 PM
You will feel your boys in everything you do. And you should, you love them, and it's okay. But it's also okay to enjoy yourself. Have fun tonight...and laugh and smile!
Posted by: Mrs. Schmitty | May 23, 2008 at 10:24 PM
Beth, I want so badly to have words for you. The magic words. The "right" words. And I don't. And that makes me feel stupid. But I love you, and I hope you had a great night. Even with the pain.
(When I come back to Indiana, I'm so coming over. I will stalk you if I have to!)
Posted by: Sara | May 24, 2008 at 02:09 AM
Like Megan said, I hope you surprised yourself last night with a little fun. But you are right - it's not right.
Keep talking it out, mama, and we'll keep walking it out with you.
Posted by: Megan@SortaCrunchy | May 24, 2008 at 06:59 AM
I had a great night and hope that we made it a little better. But I understand.
Steph
Posted by: Adventures In Babywearing | May 24, 2008 at 08:38 AM
***hugs to you***
Posted by: Antonette | May 24, 2008 at 10:22 AM
You know Beth -- you are doing all of the right things. You are going through the motions and you are feeling those feelings and not stuffing them. That's when people get into trouble.
It's been 22 years since my girls died. I have to admit to you now that I don't think about them daily anymore. The first time I realized that I didn't think about them on a dialy basis I went into a tailspin and thought "Oh My God I am a terrible mother I have forgotten about my children!" My therapist hugged me and said "No, you haven't forgotten about your children, you are moving on into the next phase of your life, and this is healthy" I had a tough time wrapping my head around that -- it took me awhile.
Your friends are totally going to understand the place you are coming from and even if they don't they are going to accept the fact that you are hurting and love you through it.
You have so much to offer my friend and in time while the pain won't go away completely (it never does) you will become at peace with what happened and it will become a different kind of pain.
And to end this novel:) -- Just the other day I saw two young girls in their twenties with their mother at a bridal shop trying on wedding dresses. It was clear they were twins. I had to just sit in my car and be quiet with my spirit while I cried. Yes, after 22 years I cried. That should have been me this year with my daughters helping them try on wedding dresses.
But it's not.
hugs.
Posted by: WCD | May 24, 2008 at 10:54 AM
Hugs to you. I hope your night went well and my heart aches so much for you every time I read how sad you are and I know, oh how I know, how long it will take for your heart to ache just a little less. Hang in there.
Posted by: Jen | May 24, 2008 at 11:35 AM
I hope you had fun last night and that those moments of happiness helped ease the pain--at least for a little bit. <3
Posted by: Debbie | May 24, 2008 at 11:36 AM