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« Fragility | Main | Lighten Up »

May 28, 2008



"But I can be a better me. For them."

"I even try to be a better stranger."

I love these lines in your post, by the way! And, I really do think both you and Amy F. are amazing!


My personal thoughts are this...you have to be YOU, every day, every hour, every minute. You are the one who deals with grief your way. You are the one who needs to "let it out", this blog is YOURS. If someone doesn't want to hear what you say, it's ok...they can stop reading. If this blog, and sometimes venting words are what you need to do, then YOU GO GIRL, get it out. I can not understand what you have gone through, and it is not my place (or anyone else's) to judge you in any way.

I do know one thing, that may or may not help you...when my little brother died, my mom had a VERY rough time...I was only 10, he was 18 months. I didn't have anyone to walk me and talk me through my mom's emotions, or my own for that matter...therefore I never mentioned his name, never talked about it with my mom, or anyone else...I bottled it all up inside, and to be honest, I probably have never dealt with those feelings properly. I dont' know if anyone realized that I lost someone too...my baby brother.

I would encourage you to involve your little ones in your grief, ask them about their own, work together with them and your Hubby as a family, not just as individuals. I know that in my situation, our family fell apart because of his death...love on yours and talk to them about it/with them, as often as you can...take it from someone who didn't have that...

Many prayers and blessings to ALL OF YOU!


I didn't comment because I didn't know what to say. My Mommy heart aches for the pain that your Mommy heart is going through. I want to take away your suffering. I'd rather go through it myself so that you don't have to.

In regards to hurting other people, you are so sensitive. How others could be hurt by you is beyond me. This is your blog, your space to be who you are, and if someone is hurt by what you say here then they can either get over it or go away.

Because of your posts, I AM a better mother, wife, daughter, and friend. No regrets about that.


Dear Beth,
If, as Carl Yung wrote, "the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness"... then James & Jake are accomplishing that purpose. I read each of your comments, and you have given, with your passionate and honest words and great love of James & Jake, such brilliant light to so many who mourn unthinkable losses. You write what others need to say. You say what others think in the dark sadness of grief. You think of the whole of humanity, giving hope with every syllable. Your little angels give you strength to penetrate the darkness of this time with great big glimmers of light to those who have difficulty finding a way to grieve... and a way to express their grief. Your importance to all of us flows from your James and your Jake. They are messengers from God. They touch hundreds and hundreds of people each day... with a divine purpose to make all of us better people. They truly do kindle a light in the darkness through their Mommy. It is, I know, not the purpose you set out for... so cry and question and write and share. And regret nothing.
xo- Sharon

Adventures In Babywearing

I think your family and friends love you and understand that you being "yourself in the now" is the best thing for you. This is not a time for you to worry about others. It's about taking care of you.



It sounds like you've 'got it'. By trying to be a better person, a better stranger...you are showing that James and Jake are important. They were here for a reason - and I think that you have figured that reason out. Your kindness to strangers, friends and loved ones will make differences that you may never see - but will change lives. Congratulations on your epiphany (I know, this might be a weird time for congrats, but I think you deserve them), and good luck on becoming the Beth you were meant to be.


Because of YOU I try to be a better stranger. THANK YOU


You are an amazing person. I admire your strength to share your feelings. Grief of a loved one is not easy. Grief of an innocent baby/babies seems to be even harder. Continue to share what you need to share and feel comfortable with. There are many people to support you in this long healing process. I have said before that sometimes it is hard to believe things will get easier... They will and your babies will never be forgotten. God bless you and your family.


bless you for your vulnerability...there are seasons in our lives...right now your season is to focus on you, your husband, and kids. No one else...

Tracy F

Thinking of you Beth.

Tara R

it's ok to be you. in whatever state of mind you find yourself it's ok. I just felt like telling you that because when I was going through a rather severe depression I felt like it wasn't ok to admit how I really felt. But I really think it helps in the healing process.


You so have it together.

Rachel Chip

I just finished reading your last post, and this one, and I thought "I wish I could just come over for a little visit". I hope that's not too weird, since we've never even met.

It's still hard for me to be around lots of people, and it's been 6 months for me now. I just get so exhausted from the effort of acting like I am the same as I was 6 months ago. Just this morning I was thinking about the moments that the ultrasound girl told me that my baby was dead, and I still feel so sick to my stomach. I wonder how long that I'm-about-to-throw-up feeling will last.

I'm really not sure what in the world I was meaning to say....but my heart hurts for you, and I'm praying for strength for you. And as much as we ARE alone in missing our babies, in wanting more than anything to be their mommies…it helps me to know that I am not the only one that has felt this way; I’m not crazy. Hopefully that helps you, too.


After losing Ellie and Kate I got a lot of attention from well meaning people. For some reason, people are attracted to tragedy and in a weird way find comfort in other people's pain. Problem was I became a little addicted to the attention and in a couple of months it was gone. No one was bringing over food or calling or stopping by to check on me. Other people's lives werent' altered and they were getting back to their daily tasks. Of course my life was totally altered and it was lonely, very lonely. I can't tell you when things will feel better for you, but I can tell you the "work" (and I totally believe that grieving is a full time job) you are doing now will help you down the road.

Thinking of you.


Keep writing. I think of you and your boys every single day.


Beth, I have to say that was pretty darn insightful. A better you - for them. May all of us learn that lesson through you.

As always, thanks for sharing.


It's so complicated, this thing called grief. I do wish that I could hit the rewind button for you and that this nightmare would be over. I so do.

I have read every one of your posts like this since your loss and even though I can't even get close to touching your pain, I do feel like you have so many people, including myself, who are willing to make this journey with you. NO matter what you have to say. And if anything positive can come out of this I believe it's the way it has changed YOUR viewpoint of life, and ours.


I've said it before, your feelings are you feelings. Your moment yesterday was your moment. It's how YOU felt. It may not be how you feel today or even in 2 weeks, but at that moment, you felt it and that's ok.

Nothing but my bloggy love, respect and thoughts for you,



Any time you want someone to cry with or go out with (even if it's just bumming around) or ANYTHING, give me a call. I'm not that far, and unfortunately I don't have a life.
I know what it's like to sometimes just want to have someone there.


very well said


Beth -- You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure that your honest thoughts and emotions expressed through your blog will help more people than you will ever know through their own times of grief.

Aimee in Port Orange

Well said. One step at a time. Your little guys are makig all of us better people. God Bless.


You can't negate the feelings you have and you can't worry about how other people will react to those feelings. Take care of YOU!


I don't really have anything significant to say but just wanted you to know that I thinking about you and the strength you continue to show. Be yourself, that's all you need to be.

Jodie Brooks

I believe that there’s a reason for everything. As hard as it may be, we ALL learn from things that happen to us. Maybe God, or whoever, wanted something more from James and Jake. Maybe their short stay was to change your life and those around you for the better. I'm sure you couldn't imagine any good out of this, but what if? What if you’re meant to be something great, or create something great, or maybe even have something great. What if their deaths were meant to happen in order for you to bring another great person into this world? The world is made up of 'what ifs'. They suck!!! But you can make something great out of this. Have you ever thought about writing a book in memory of James and Jake? Your writing is just wonderful, helpful, beautiful and REAL. Thinking of you tonight! Sending hugs!

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