At least they're honest

Just now, before going back to his room for quiet time for me him, Racecar leans over me, while I'm sitting in my chair and says "Hey!  Your belly is getting bigger!"

Yes.  You heard that right, my son noticed my belly is getting better.

Trying not to be offended, I respond "you think so?"

"Yes!  Are the babies back in your belly?"  he asks.

"No they are not." I respond. 

"They are in heaven with God?"  he says.

"Yes."

"Why did God take them?"

"Because they died, honey."

"Why did they die?  Why did God want them?"

At this point in the conversation, I wonder how I am supposed to not say to him, "I have no freaking idea why GOD took my babies from me.  Maybe it's because I called that truck driver an asshole last year, maybe it's to teach me something HUGE AND WONDERFUL AND HOLY, I have no freaking idea."

But c'mon, this boy is four, I can't respond that way and honestly when I do respond, I sound so phony it makes ME sick.  I mean, what am I supposed to say?  Tell him some bullshit story about God wanting them with him and not knowing why and that we should just accept it?  That they are in a better place?  Do I believe that they are in a better place?  HELL.NO.  Sorry.  I don't.

And he says something about his brothers and he puts him arm around my neck and says "I got you, Mama."  Which is what this child says to me when I cry (even though I wasn't crying this time, he knows I do sometimes when discussing James and Jake.)  He says "I got you, Mama."  and he always knows the right time to say it.

Which is why it seems so unfair to him that last week, while taking him to the bathroom in the middle of the night, (something I do before going to bed at night), I picked him up and carried this tired, limp boy in my arms into the bathroom.  I go to set him down and put him directly into the toilet.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die.

Back to Racecar thinking I'm pregnant.  Wow.  Ouch.  I wonder at what point I'll quit being disgusted with myself and start doing something about it.

Oh and this morning, while trying on a shirt in the dressing with Ariel at Kohl's, I put a shirt on and she says "Mommy, that shirt is so pretty, take off your glasses so you can be pretty, too."

I guess I'll stick to contacts.  And spanx.

Comments

[Kim]

Honestly, when my 4 year old asks about why I don't have a mommy, our conversations are oddly similar. He asks why, and depending on the day, I want to scream and shout about how I don't understand, or I just tell him God needed her more than I did. It sucks. A lot.

And for the longest time after having my second son, my nephew told me I looked like I was having another baby. Awesome.

[staciesmadness]

I wouldn't know what to tell him either...yep, got nothin.

My son yesterday asked my why I was so fat in my belly....did I have a baby in there? He asked this in front of his daycare teachers...and um, no honey I have LOSS weight, but sure do love you calling me out here and now.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with your situation, but yep, still have nothing to help you other than an additional "I got ya".

[Lynette]

Are you sure you didn't purposely dunk him in the toilet? I'm just saying.

And personally, I think you look pretty in your glasses.

[Lynette]

Are you sure you didn't purposely dunk him in the toilet? I'm just saying.

And personally, I think you look pretty in your glasses.

[JaimeM]

Ouch is right. Yeah, about a month or two after my miscarriage last year, my son asked ( he didn't know I was pregnant and had lost the baby) if God had put any babies in my tummy yet. He's been *praying* for two years for me to have twins. It hurt. Even without him knowing, trying to explain WHY God hasn't put a baby there yet can be exhausting.

Man, are kids brutely honest or what...."take your glasses off so you can be pretty too"...double ouch.

Regardless though, how great is it when they know just when to say " I got ya". :)

[pinksandblues]

Last weekend, my daughter-in-law had a little dressing room story to pass along about her and my 5-year old grandson. She was trying on some exercise clothing, which included a sports bra. She said that when she took off her bra, my grandson yelled, "Mommy, your boobies are dirty!" She said she tried to quiet him... saying that her boobies were certainly not dirty, when he pointed to the areola and yelled again, "You better wash those things!"

She tiptoed out of the dressing room and right out of the store...

Ah, kids!

xo - Sharon

[SarahC]

Beth, I just saw you. I may have been overly tired, but even I could see that your body looks GREAT. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Emily]

Ouch! But you gotta love spanx - they are a lifesaver!

[AmyA]

Jenna just asked me this morning when flipping through our wedding album, "Mom, how did they make you so pretty that day? What did they do to you?" Ugh, I really need to lose SO.MUCH.WEIGHT.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

Oh you took me from tears to laughing outloud.

Steph

[WCD]

Out of the mouths of babes I say:) You'll do something about your body when you're ready:) Don't rush it.

[Tracy F]

Oh my goodness, I love that he says that to you!! That is just the sweetest little thing a boy can say to his mama!

[Tracy F]

Dont post this, but I hope everything is ok. I saw that you are viewing all the comments first. Did some ignorant person post something offensive to you? Ugh! Thinking of you, which I didnt say in my last post.

[Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity]

my son told me once that i looked like a hooker shortly before a date...

i was self conscious the whole night...

hugs... i know you don't know the answers, but HE does... and i know that ti doesn't make it any easier... but you're being though of and prayed for and all that other happy God stuff... :D

[Megan (FriedOkra)]

Bean thinks my new haircut makes me look like a scrub brush. Kids, they are brutal. But then they say, "I got you, Mama." or "Mama, you look gorgeous an' yer my bess friend" and you forget the other stuff.

You are beautiful and I lurv you. Now go get your son out of the toilet.

[Cece]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it must be to live with daily questions like this and have to carry on as usual. {{hugs}}

[anymommy]

What a sweetheart. I love how sensitive little boys can be. When do they lose that? Just kidding.

[Michelle]

oh that sweet, sweet boy. I don't know if it's easier trying to come to terms (peace? grips?) with what's happened at four or thirty four.

And btw, I like your glasses too :)

[Elaine]

I kind of wondered what questions your kiddos have been asking. I know they probably don't understand any of this but then, who really does?

[Amy]

These types of things are too difficult to understand at any age. Maybe it is best to just be honest, like saying "I don't know." As a parent, it always seems we need to have the answers, right? I think it is good for kids to see we don't always have the answers and that things don't always make sense. What a sweet boy, you know you are doing a great job as a mom when you have your little guy comfort you like that!

[lynne]

All mom's are beautiful to their kids. My mom is 75, still beautiful.

[Tracy]

My daughter will see me crying sometimes and she will say... "Are you crying for the babies?" and I will say "yes sweetie" and then she will say, "Are you crying because you wanted me next to you?" And I always say "Yes I always want you next to me." She is almost 4 and she will sometimes get upset because our boys were to arrive in October after her birthday.

[Kateri]

Ok, so maybe I live in the backwoods somewhere. Have I heard about these Spanx before? Is this something I should look into when trying to fit into the pencil sized dress my cousin wants me to wear for her wedding?

[Mrs. Schmitty]

I had both tears of sadness and tears of laughter from that post. It's so hard to explain death to a child, of any age, much less 4. And don't worry about that tummy, take care of your heart and soul first. The rest doesn't matter right now.

[Autumn Dahlia]

Kids are honest, for sure! That's the best, and sometimes most brutal, part of them.

My son doesn't like me with glasses either. The other day he told me, "I like you... and I like the glasses... I just don't like you AND the glasses."