Five years ago tomorrow, I was in a strapless purple dress, my hair was shorter and brown. I was a new Mommy to Ariel, who was just a little baby, maybe four months old, and I had a tiny little baby inside of me, but it was a secret, very few people knew.
The wedding was outside and it was fabulous, not a cloud in the sky, pure sunshine, not too hot and no humidity. I was the bride's matron of honor.
Since then, so much has changed, so much, in fact, that I started to list all of the changes right here on this post and I just had to stop because there is too much too list. Most things I am grateful for, some things I can not understand and others, just break my heart.
Tomorrow, exactly five years to the day, I'll be in a wedding, as a matron of honor at the exact same place. Oh and I'll be wearing purple.
But this purple? Is deeper and more vivid, it's strong and makes me feel confident. I've been reflecting on my life so much these past few months, I smile at the happy things and I cry at the heart breaking things, but there are no regrets.
Tomorrow I need to break free of my own sorrow that sometimes swallows me whole, even in the most joyous occasions, If I cry, I want it to be out of happiness for my niece, if I laugh I want it to be pure and without darkness. And in those quiet moments, if there are any, I want to feel James. I want to feel Jake. but I do not want to feel sadness, I'm not sure that is possible as I'm thinking those three things go hand in hand with each other.
All of my brothers and sisters will be in town and I can't wait and I already dread their departure. But the last time I saw them was the weekend of James and Jake's memorial service and so now when I think of being together that is what I think of, after making memories with these siblings of mine for 31 years, my thoughts turn to the last time I saw them and it scares me and makes me sad and I'm so scared of going to "that place."
But there is nothing I can do, I guess, except to love my family, feel the sunshine, savor these sweet moments that also make up our lives.
Life and all it has to offer, the good, the bad, keeps me on my toes. This life has made me deeper, more vivid, stronger and more confidant. And even though tomorrow scares me, the next chapter of my life, well, most of it anyway, does not.
Life sure has a way of coming full circle and making you stop to think.. Enjoy the day tomorrow and I am sure you will be beautiful in the gorgeous purple dress! Have fun with your family and make some new memories to reflect upon next time you come full circle! :o)
Posted by: Amy Trahan | June 13, 2008 at 05:52 PM
I hope it is a beautiful day... as beautiful as you surely will be. Congrats to your niece!
Posted by: Megan (FriedOkra) | June 13, 2008 at 06:21 PM
I love how you described the shades of purple with your growth as a person. :) I hope this weekend is a breath of fresh air for you.
Posted by: Emily | June 13, 2008 at 06:46 PM
I hope it's a wonderful weekend filled with wonderful memories with your family.
I love the color purple! :-)
Posted by: Carolyn | June 13, 2008 at 07:08 PM
God has planned this for you. He wants you to have happy memories with your family again instead of thinking...."The last time we were all together..." Have a great weekend and loads of fun. BTW, I received all of my fun stuff from Shabby Apple! They are so fabulous. Maybe post a pic of you looking so pretty in your dress???
Posted by: Susan | June 13, 2008 at 07:39 PM
Beth,
I hope you have a wonderful happy day tomorrow that will go down in your memory forever. Enjoy the time with your family and your sibilings. I'm sure you will be spectacular in your purple dress.
Posted by: Lucia | June 13, 2008 at 07:41 PM
What neat reflections and I love how you described them. I know tomorrow will be very special and you'll savor every moment of it. Have a wonderful weekend! Can't wait to see pictures.
Posted by: Lynette | June 13, 2008 at 08:13 PM
I hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding tomorrow. <3
Posted by: Debbie | June 13, 2008 at 08:32 PM
I really think the fact that life goes on after - and during - deep sorrow is a blessing in disguise. It forces us to remember that we have so many other blessings. So many.
Still, I'm saying a prayer for you right now, Beth. I'll pray you enjoy tomorrow with amazing lightness in your soul.
Posted by: Kelly @ Love Well | June 13, 2008 at 09:22 PM
I just love you. You are going to have a great day tomorrow and I bet you look radiant in your purple dress. :)
Posted by: Aimee | June 13, 2008 at 10:23 PM
I'm glad you found a dress. I hope you have a blessed day. Hugs.
Posted by: RubiaLala | June 13, 2008 at 11:58 PM
Hey - I'm relatively new to your blog, but wanted to know I'll be praying for you tomorrow. I lost 3 babies to miscarriage, which is a tiny glimpse of the pain you're feeling, but still hurts.
Have a joyous time at the wedding and enjoy spending time (happy time) with your family.
Robyn in Birmingham, AL
Posted by: Robyn | June 14, 2008 at 12:37 AM
I hope your neice has a beautiful wedding. And I hope you have a wonderful time with your family.
Posted by: Stephanie | June 14, 2008 at 07:05 AM
enjoy all the wonderful moments that you and your family will have today. It looks like she picked a beautiful day.
(i am hoping that there are lots of photos!)
Posted by: crookedeyebrow | June 14, 2008 at 08:51 AM
I know today will be a tough one for you - I'll keep you in my prayers.
Posted by: Dory | June 14, 2008 at 09:42 AM
Beth I am hoping you find happiness and joy in today and I am sure you will be stunning in your purple dress radiating strength... Thinking of you.
Posted by: Emily | June 14, 2008 at 10:57 AM
It will be a wonderful day, making memories together. Fresh and new, but not forgetting. Hugs. Oh and take a pic or I will smack you.
Posted by: To Think Is To Create | June 14, 2008 at 12:25 PM
Funny, I should be folding laundry too, or at least that's what my mom always tells me.
Hey, hang in there. Losing a baby, or babies has to be unimaginably hard- but you should pat yourself on the back, for steering in the right direction and not being bitter. Hang in there- it will get better
Posted by: laurieofthesevenstories | June 14, 2008 at 09:36 PM
Hope you had a wonderful time at the wedding. Also, hope you took lots of pics--can't wait to see the purple dress (esp after the saga you went through at David's to find it).
Posted by: Jen | June 14, 2008 at 11:36 PM
Beth...all these "first" moments will be difficult. They will bring you "back". I believe it is a way to remember...to hold these little ones close. Keeping their memories alive. You will come to embrace these times...but it will take time. You will be able to smile and the tears will become less...but you'll carry this for your lifetime. And you know what...THAT'S OKAY because without it, they're gone. In a few years, you will love having this little piece inside of you because it will keep you close to J&J when the rest of the world, friends and family included, have forgotten. It happens unfortunately.
PURPLE...what a BEAUTIFUL COLOR! I hope you had a wonderful day and I can't wait to hear all about it and see pictures! I bet you looked beautiful!
Posted by: Nicole | June 15, 2008 at 07:25 AM
I hope you post pictures of your dress!
This was a lovely and thoughtful post. You sound confident about the future, ready to embrace what comes. I hope and pray you have nothing but joy from this moment forward!
Posted by: mandy | June 15, 2008 at 05:10 PM