I Should Be Folding Laundry

Catch 22

(My first guest writer is Brian, my husband.  I thought it would be good therapy for both of us if he were to write something on my blog.  He agreed and here is his first ever appearance on I Should Be Folding Laundry.  Let's give him a warm welcome!  (Both he and I will be reading the comments as they come through, so feel free to leave a comment, we'd love to hear from you.)  Brian is my first guest writer of many - I can't wait for you to read all of my guest writers throughout the next week or so, I am so excited!)

As Beth described earlier, it did take a quite a bit of persuading to get me to write something on her blog. But hey, pizza is a magical food. So here I am.  I must admit it is intimidating to have such a large audience and the pressure to come up with something profound is weighing heavily. Beth says not to worry about it and to enjoy the pizza. 

As you are most likely aware, Beth is having guest bloggers this week since we are moving. This also happens to be the only week that I am home out of a 5 week span where I am traveling for work for 2 weeks at a time.  I just got back from the first 2 week trip.  This was the longest I had ever been away from the kids and the longest I'd been away from Beth since before we were married. We were extremely busy during the day which made time fly, but the nights were rough.  I never realized how much I took for granted being able to put the kids to bed every night and read them stories.  I really missed Beth and it was hard to hear her be so sad and not be able to do anything about it.  Not that I could do much about it if I were home, but I would certainly feel less helpless if I were sitting next to her.   

As most of you have figured out, most men are fixers.  If you tell me something that is wrong, I will most likely respond with a way to make it better.  If I can't figure out a way to fix it, I will then resort to finding a silver lining in the situation.  You know, the "yes, you wrecked your car but at least no one was hurt and you really wanted a new car anyway."   However, in the situation with James and Jake there is no fixing and no silver lining.  Which makes me feel pretty useless.  There is no comparison to the connection a mother has with her unborn children. As a father, you love those children inside her belly with all your heart and soul, but it still doesn't touch how much their mother loves them.  For me, watching the pain the Beth has gone through during these past 4 months has been every bit as difficult as actually losing the twins.  I understand why it is so difficult for her that I am going on these trips, because she knows I wouldn't be going if she were still pregnant, not to mention the chaos of starting a new business and moving into a new house.

I truly wish that I did not need to go on these trips but I feel that some excellent opportunities will arise from them. And it all comes back to the work / life balance.  I don't want to be one of those guys that is constantly on the road and never gets to see his family or someone that might be home a lot but is constantly working and completely disconnected to what is going on with his wife and kids.  Its funny how that sort of stuff can sneak up on you without even realizing it.  You want to provide for your family, so you go above and beyond at work, which only leads to more work -- then your manager quits and you have to start all over proving yourself to the new management and so it goes..  its easy to completely immerse yourself in work (especially when you like what you do) -- its not so easy to put the brakes on and take a step back and ask yourself  why you are doing it and assess if the trade-offs are actually worth it.  It didn't use to be this hard. 

When we were little (that's what Beth and I call our early 20s) I had the best job ever.  I had no production responsibilities (that means that if a computer broke, I would never be called).  I worked a normal 8 hr day, had amazing benefits a great boss and rarely worked late and pretty much never worked when I was home.  Beth also had a full time job so we just enjoyed ourselves when had time together doing things like eating mac and cheese and lots of crescent rolls.  I think we appreciated how easy things were, but not to the extent we should have. I remember how sad Beth was when I when on my first business trip, it was for all of two nights down in Houston.  I bought her a TV for the bedroom to keep her company.  It was our first time apart since we had been married and it was a really big deal. I  traveled two other times in the 6 yrs between the first trip and my current job. In the past two years I have traveled 6 times for my current job. Talk about backwards, at a time when my kids could most benefit from my influence and my wife needs the most support.  But then again, we are moving into a new house. So there you go, a catch 22.

I know this is something I will be struggling with for the majority of my professional career, but I hope that I will be able to keep things in balance. As GI Joe says.. knowing is half the battle.  Before I go, I do want to thank EVERYONE who has been so supportive of Beth while we have been dealing with the lose of James and Jake. Even the simpliest gesture of leaving a supportive comment have meant the world to her and we are forever grateful to you.

Our Home

If all goes as planned, then tonight will be the last night in our home.

Our home.  It is truly our home.  It's warm, inviting, cozy and filled with love.  This weekend I have walked within these walls thinking about all that we have seen and felt and experienced here.  The love, the kisses, both of our children learning to talk and walk and play.  The memories are so sweet.  The memories are so vivid.  After tomorrow, memories will be all we have.

Except sometimes, those memories don't feel like such a small thing.  They are so sweet, they are sometimes bitter, they are sometimes heartbreaking, but through it all we have experienced it all as a family. 

This home was my protector after James and Jake died.  It was the only place where I felt secure and certain.  Every time I walked outside this home after losing them, I felt so alone in this big world, so unsafe, unsure of what will happen, but upon returning through the front door, the not so certain became certain again, I was comfortable in my grief, if that's even a possibility.  I feel gratitude towards this home, I want to hug and thank it for being there for us, through it all, I want to sit and share memories with it over coffee, we'd swap stories remembering the time Brian threw up on the bedroom wall or the time I burned my arm on the oven.  And the good, the moment Racecar came home from the hospital, Ariel's first day of school, or on Christmas day when we told Ariel and Racecar that we were going to be adding to our family by two this summer.

If I could, I'd thank our home for being gentle with me on the days I would wake up and realize my babies had died, I would wake up hopeful it was just a bad dream, but no, it was painfully real when I realized my belly and my heart were empty.

This house is so beautiful.  And so are the memories.

I'll miss our neighbors, who are quiet, friendly and they respect our privacy and our space but would do anything for us.  I'll miss the many varieties of flowers that we planted that came back every year without fail, and yet every year I was in awe of their beauty.

I'll miss the trees in our backyard that are the home to the birds singing their beautiful songs.  I will miss it all.

I say good bye to this house, with sadness, but no regrets.  It is time to move on, to create new memories in a new home, a new adventure.  We are parting with such sweet sorrow, but we are definitely looking forward to tomorrow.

Holy Crap, we're moving.

I've been in denial, MAD DENIAL that we are actually closing on our houses on Monday.  We have not packed a thing (packers have been hired, however, we are in charge of packing the bedrooms and the bathrooms), we have no window coverings for our new house, we do not even have an oven.  Honestly, I don't plan on cooking, Brian doesn't planning on cooking, unless you plan to come over and cook, then why do we need one?  Just one more thing to clean.  Am I right or am I right?

So, this is where my life of getting up in the morning and staying in my pajamas until eleven, okay twelve, ends and my new life of craziness begins.  I'm okay with that, crazy and I have known each other for a long, long time, we get along great.  Usually.

I leave you with some important bits of information.

First, I blogged over here and I helped babysit Jo-Lynne's blog while she was away by guest posting on her blog. (her blog was very well behaved, by the way.)

Speaking of guest posting, while I'm moving I have asked some people to guest post on my own blog because we are moving on Tuesday, July 1 and have I mentioned that I won't have internet until July 10th?  While I plan to stop in and show you pictures of our house, our progress and our new bath tub, you'll also be seeing some new faces around here next week and maybe the week after that.

One of those faces is my husband.  He's going to blog for me.  I asked him, he said "no," I said "please, please, please, please", he said "no."  I said "fine, then I won't cook dinner anymore" he said "you don't cook dinner" and I said "fine then I won't be in charge of ordering the pizza anymore" and he said "okay, FINE.  I love pizza."

So, there you go - I have packing to do and pizza to order. 

Also, I have winners for the 10 cases of Primo Water!  Just e-mail me your address and Primo will send along your case of water!  Congrats to the winners.

1.  Midwest Mommy
2.  Peggy (bex e-mail)
3.  Irish Mom
4.  Anna
5.  Steff (gmail e-mail)
6.  Gina 
7.  Aimee
8.  Carole
9.  Cereal Dieter
10.  Alaina

The Good

Brian came home yesterday, two days earlier than planned and now when I see him I think he's a Super Hero - because yesterday?  I went to lunch with this girl (she lives in the same small town as me and that makes me feel like I won the lottery).  Then last night I had dinner with my friends.  It was awesome.  Like so awesome because I was not stuck at home all day long and I socialized and I feel like a thousand pounds has been lifted off of my chest.

I was beginning to feel like a prisoner.  And the thing is, while Brian was gone, the kids were good, enjoyable for the most part.  They slept well, ate well, fought well, played well, tattled well and sometimes, they did get on my nerves, but that's to be expected.  I'm sure I got on their nerves, too.  Particularly when I would not let them get Swiss Cake Rolls at the grocery store.

It's amazing to me how quickly time is passing, it's just unreal.  I feel like I wake up in the morning (at eight, nine and once even 10:00!) and before I know it, it's bedtime (which lately equals 2 in the morning - Thanks, Be Design!)  I stay up late, I eat ice cream, I work a lot.

I mean, a lot.

But that's okay, I've been busy.  It's what I wanted.

I guess I'm feeling a little bit down because I thought that if I filled every waking moment with something, that I would feel less sad. or I would be too busy to feel the sadness.  But that's not the case.

I am sad and that's okay.  I so badly need to be okay with my sadness and not try to fight it.  It's just that being sad is so....sad. 

Today, I need to focus on the good things, the great things.  My sister-in-law and her family adopted a beautiful baby boy, he came home yesterday, my other sister-in-law gave birth to a baby boy just hours ago.  I think about the little toes and fingers and the life that is being brought into their families, and the love that goes along with it, well, I can't help but feel good about that.  Two nephews in one week!  Not many people can say that.  We are blessed, for sure.

Here are some pictures that I took over this past week, more reminders of the good in my life.

There's beauty on my deck:

And in my yard:

And near my home, at the perfect time of day:

(if you look real close, you can see the Chicago skyline, way in the distance.)

And in the sky:

And a double rainbow.

But mostly:

No matter how hard life can be, it's always so very, very good.

faith for the faithless

I am not referencing God or religion or church or holiness when I write the word faith.

When I write faith, I'm referring to trust.  Trust in life.  Trust in good.  Trust that everything will go along as planned because that is what is supposed to happen.

I have always been faithful in my life.  I had never been given a reason not to be faithful.  I am a good person, I never lie, I always try to do what's right because it's right, and not for personal gain.

I was faithful.

and then, oh my god, my babies died.  These beautiful, amazing gifts that were given to us were taken away.

Faith was with me throughout my pregnancy with James and Jake.  I had gone in for the ultrasound at eight weeks because I was experiencing painful cramping and discharge, after my ultrasound I went home and my doctor's office called and said "the doctor wants you to come in tomorrow morning because we want to find out why you were having cramps and the discharge."  So, the next morning I hopped into the shower and I touched my belly and I cried.  I cried so hard because I felt so blessed.  I could not believe the gift we had been given.

An hour later I was sitting in the doctor's office, I could not wait to talk to her about the two babies growing inside of me.  Instead she came in and said "according to the ultrasound, your babies share a sac (also known as monochorionic) and there is a 50% chance that they will not survive because their cords will become entangled, killing one and then the other.  My hope is that the tech just did not get good enough images and that you do, in fact, have diamnionic twins (two separate sacs).  We will do an ultrasound in our office in two weeks."

I left feeling crushed.  My emotions went from elation to sadness, faster than I ever dreamed possible.  I had planned to buy a twin pregnancy book after my doctor's appointment but I felt so silly doing that now after having that appointment. 

But I did buy that book because I was faithful.

And so, two very long and emotional weeks later, on December 26th, we nervously entered the ultrasound room, the technician put the wand on my ten week belly and said "it's diamnionic."  We cried, we were so happy and relieved.  Except the words happy and relieved do not really even touch what we felt that day.  We just knew we were so in love with these babies who were to join our family come this summer.

But then on December 31st, I started to bleed and my world came crashing down on me.  Blood.  The thing I feared the most every time I went to the bathroom.  And there it was - that sign that something has gone wrong.  I immediately paged my doctor who told me to go to the emergency room.  I remember on the way there thinking "there is no way I am going to lose these babies."  I was so scared, and it was so beyond me.

But I had faith and thirty minutes later I could see two little heartbeats.

So, on February 25th, 2008, when the nurse could not find their heart beats, I was fearful and faithful, I had faith as I took the elevator down to ultrasound, faith that these babies would soon be kicking me in my ribs.  I had faith.

But then I watched the words "no cardiac movement" being typed slowly with one hand onto the screen.  A piece of me died at the moment.  And sometimes?  I think that piece of me was my faith.

Because now I tread through life cautiously, I fear cars running into our's and injuring my children, I don't get my hopes up for our new house because I'm certain the deal will fall through, even with the closing being less than a week away. I fear another pregnancy, I fear I'll never see Brian again when he leaves for a business trip, I fear for Be Design, I have lost faith in myself and people and my surroundings.

I fear the rug being pulled out from beneath me in every situation. 

I tread softly, cautiously, painfully through my days.  I try to be brave, I try to trust.  But sometimes, unfortunately, when I begin to regain that faith again, something else seems to happen and I lose the little bit of trust that I was able to build up in my life once again. 

Losing my sons was hard enough, losing my faith makes it even harder to accept and move on.

Expiration Date

Alright, I admit, I haven't really thought about my blog this weekend.  There was so much going on that I couldn't even consider blogging because for one, there was no time and number two, I just didn't have much to say.  And number three, I get a little tired of coming here and expressing my sadness to you.  I want to express my happiness, my gratitude, my love. 

But, I can't.

I'm not going to lie to you.  I don't feel okay right now and I have to try to accept that.  I find myself becoming sadder when I think that I'm sadder than I thought I would be right now.  But truthfully?  It's all I can do to hold it together - at any point, really.  There are few things working against me right now:

-I want to be a good business owner but feel like I can't give it my all, I want to be a good mother but I feel like I can't give it my all, I want to be a good wife, a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. but I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

-I know of not one, not two, not three, BUT FOUR babies that have been born or will be born this week.   I am so happy for these families and their babies.  The fact is, these babies are their babies, not mine, so it's not that I wish these wonderful things weren't happening to others, that's not the case, it's just that these births are a reminder of the joy and love that I should be feeling and a reminder of the ache and the pain that I am feeling. 

-I would be 36 weeks right now, something tells me I should have those babies in my arms, but I don't and I never will.

-That's a hard pill to swallow because I love them so much.

-I shopped for two newborns this past weekend.  I thought I was going to die.  (but I didn't, I survived.)

-We have one more week in our house and Brian's not even here for it.  I have no one to share that with, no one to say "hey, it's our last Monday our house."  If I say that to the kids they freak out and ask if we can bring their bedroom walls.  (because they like the paint color) 

-I feel like my friends don't know what to do with me.  And I hate that.

-I'm feeling unimportant and insignificant right now.  I actually feel like an annoyance to people.  Is this normal?  I mean, I may be past the point where I can openly grieve when people expect me to and I'm far from the point of feeling like I can accept what has happened.   I want to call people and say "so, this is really hard for me."  But I feel like I'm passed my Grief Expiration Date.  I'm actually envious of the time right after losing James and Jake because I could so openly cry and scream and yell and sob.  But now, I can't, so I'm also frustrated.

It seems so wrong to be envious of a time that was so painful for me and I don't want to feel that pain (ever again) it's just the ability and the expectation to be sad whenever I needed to be.  The word freedom comes to mind.  I now feel like a prisoner in my own grief.

and I have tried to say things to people and it's just weird, so I just keep to myself.

I don't know.  I want to have the glass half full attitude, but I don't have it.  I wonder if I'll ever get it back.

I'm obviously having quite the pity party, can't you tell?  Now do you see why I haven't blogged?

Variety

First of all, thank you to everyone who left me your kind, warm, amazing, beautiful, heartfelt comments.  It made such a difference in my day, I hope you believe me, I needed something and you gave it to me and I am so, so, so grateful.  Thank you.

I have a review up over here and I'm doing a (GREEN!) giveaway with TEN WINNERS - go, go, go.

I have a post up over here.

And, we are planning NWI Blogger Meetup on July 12th.  I know I'm going to do my best to be there, if you live in Northwest Indiana and you blog, go here for more details.  We'd love to have you.

So many links, so little time. 

Have a great weekend.  You deserve it.

Pretend

Sometimes, I get tired of pretending.  At the store, with family, with my friends, with my kids, with my husband.

With me.

I look into the mirror each morning and I can almost convince myself that my heart isn't broken, I look at my eyes and they look the same at the surface and that will carry me through the rest of the day, pretending there is no pain.

But sometimes, I can't pretend anymore, sometimes, like last night and RIGHT NOW, the wound is so deep and raw, that I wonder how I was ever able to get out of bed just today.  Now, when I look into the mirror, I see empty, wet, puffy eyes.

It still hurts so bad.  I still can't believe this is where we are in our lives.  I can't believe they are gone.  I can't believe that today, almost four months later, I still feel like I won't make through this day.  I can't believe I'm not stronger than this.

Sometimes, I need your words so badly.  Right now is one of those times.

Be careful what you wish for.

I did not want June or July to come.

Even though they are my favorite months of the year, but this year?  June and July equaled heartache and pain.

I wanted to run away, I wanted to be busy.

Well, I can't run away, but I am busy.  Almost too busy.  My days and nights feel like hours to me, I work until sometimes one in the morning, the kids sleep until nine and the crazy day begins again.  And I'm content with this, because I'm doing work I love and in between work and cleaning and phone calls, I'm loving on my kids.

But there is no beach, there are no vacations, no family picnics, no lazy days spent outside eating watermelon and playing with water, we do not spend our evenings talking to neighbors, but rather sitting inside -working, or sometimes watching our kids ride their bikes.  And I'm not sure I'm okay with that.  I mean, I AM okay with that now, but five years from now will I regret the summer we spent being too busy?  or will I look back and think "it's okay, Beth.  It's what you needed to do for the summer, it's really okay."

I just hope, that years from now, I'll look back on myself and on the summer of 2008 and I hope I'm easy on myself because it just feels right, right now.

I have, however, been able to spend time with Ariel and Racecar's cousins, just today they spent the day with us, they ate outside and ate Peanut Butter and Jelly and they want to come back tomorrow.  And all of the laughter I have been listening to ALL DAY LONG, makes me fall in love with this summer - even while sitting at home.

Manic Monday

I'll start out with some pictures for you, how's that sound?  My entire family is in town and I just love that.  My brothers decided this was a good time to take down my parents roof and re-do it because they're are awesome like that.  The whole family is pitching in.  Even me, I even wore work clothes and cut down branches off a tree, and moved shingles and swept insulation and put together things with nuts and bolts and washers and stuff.  (Stuff being an official building term, of course.)  In the meantime, Ariel and Racecar are very happy playing with their cousins.  And Brian?  Well, he's in Massachusetts.

So, here are some pictures from the wedding and the roof project:

First, here's a picture from the wedding of me with the best man.

And here's one with the happy couple.  And they're so in love it makes my stomach turn a little.  In a nice kinda way.

And my brother-in-law found this toad yesterday, he was working it for the camera. (the toad, not my brother-in-law)

Here are the worker bees who worked non stop all day and all night and at least one of my brothers is staying all week long and this is what he'll be doing, all week long.

They finished up last night at about 11:20. 

So, you may or may not notice, but this week my posting will  be very, very light, between my family being in town, packing up my house for our move which is two weeks away, being a single mom for two weeks, work and laundry and work and laundry and mowing the lawn and eating bug bites and ice cream, I won't be around as much as usual.  But soon, (as in, say, August) I'll be around a lot more!

Now to the winner!

Oh man, this was a fun contest wasn't it?  I loved reading everyone's favorite songs.   I noticed a lot of Johnny Cash, (who I love) and a lot of country music, too.  But what I loved was seeing how almost all of the songs brought back some sort of memory for some of you and then you shared that with me, so this contest was very, very fun.

But the winner?  She's one lucky girl, her name is Amy (with a last name that starts with s), she does not have a blog and she has a hotmail e-mail address (I e-mailed you Amy!).  Congratulations, Amy!  Just give me your address and I'll get this bad boy right out to you.

Check back later this week for a very green giveaway.