Misadventures of a Sweaty Lady

Today, I ran around like a crazy person.  I spent 3 hours looking for a dress for a wedding that I am in THIS SATURDAY.  I'm the only attendant, the matron (read: old lady) of honor.

I spent 3 hours looking in mirrors and hating how I look.

I spent 3 hours covered in tummy sweat, boob sweat and mustache sweat.  All while wearing spanx.  I was very, very attractive, kinda what an old hot dog looks like sitting out in the sun on a buffet table at a barbecue.

Yes, that's exactly what I looked like.

First, at the mall, I dodged 10 associates trying to make me smell perfume or cologne.  Why do they still do this?  Did you know they wear regular clothes now?  I was tricked, I thought the first lady was a friendly customer but instead she shoved a piece of paper doused in COLOGNE into my hands, which I carried around for so long that I got a headache and never did find a garbage can so I slid it into my back pocket which means the smell is stuck on me forever because you know how often I wash my jeans. 

Also, did you know that at David's Bridal, they don't even have mirrors in their dressing rooms, so you have to GO OUT IN PUBLIC to look at yourself in the mirror?  Torture.  I think I'll write the company.

Dear Mr. David's Bridal,

I entered your store today, hoping to find a dress for a wedding I am in this Saturday.  Yes, I know, it's very last minute, your associate acted like I was a lunatic.  I shopped in your store and walked out feeling like crap.  Why?  Because for one, your size twelves are actually size eights, and that alone makes me want to punch you in the face.  And secondly, you made me walk out into the center of the store so I could look into the mirror - without even knowing what I looked like.  So, while parties were waiting for their brides to try on dresses in their mirror-less dressing rooms, they stared at me in a dress, that I couldn't zip, my legs are pasty white and the sweat all over my body made it look like I was in the middle of the boxing match.  And sometimes, I felt like I was in the middle of a boxing match because some of your dresses are SO complicated.  Once, I put my head through a sleeve and couldn't get it back off, another time I tried to pull a dress over my head to get it over my shoulders and the same dress I tried to pull up from the bottom but it wouldn't slide over my hips and it was a SIZE 12. 

At one point, I honestly thought I was stuck in a dress forever, which would have been bad because it was half on my body and half off of my body, and I would not have been able to call Brian from my cell phone to come rescue me because my arms were sticking straight up in the air. 

No lie.

I wonder, do you have video cameras inside your dressing rooms?  Because if you do, I provided you with hours and hours of side splitting laughter. Perhaps consider serving margaritas and ho-hos and I could join you with the laughter.  That would be grand.

And one more thing, there is no doubt that A MAN started this business.  Because Dave, I kinda think you are a jerk.  No offense.

Love,
The Sweaty, Pale, Size Ten, Old, Dressless Bridesmaid

The only good thing that happened during my shopping trip is that I thought I was being hit on by an older gentlemen, except he wound up being homeless and asked me for a quarter.  I was kinda bummed.  It felt a little like when you go to a restaurant and you get carded and you say something like "wow, thanks!  I love being carded!"  And the server responds with "I know, I'm sorry, I have to card everyone under 40."

Buzz kills all around.

Enough of this depressing fat girl dress talk, let's talk Father's Day...I have dusted off my good ol' review blog and decided to do some reviews once again.  I have decided to become much more particular about items that I review - which means I will only review items that I would actually use or buy in my everyday life.  So - head there, because I have a new fangled techie thing that I am reviewing and also? on Thursday, come back to that same review blog for a HUGE GIVEAWAY.

Comments

[Tracye]

THIS IS SO FREAKIN FUNNY!!!

I rarely laugh out loud at stuff I read. If anybody was home, or awake, they'd think I was nuts.

I laughed out loud from start to finish.

Oh, man. I need a life.

Then again, yours is so much funnier.

[Tami]

I think you should really send that letter to Mr. David's Bridal. I loved it - you had me cracking up (and my husband was staring at me like I was crazy) :)

[Susan]

Just added your Review blog (which I was so totally unaware of) to my Reader. And yes, I had to giggle at the picture of you stuck in a dress with your arms straight up. It's happened to me, too. At the time, unfunny. Now, a riot. BTW, I got stuck in MY OWN shirt today. Darn thing didn't want to come off my arms!!! Must be my bulging muscles, right? LOLOLOLOLOL!!LOLOL! Whooo....think I just pulled one of those bulging muscles laughing so hard!

[Deconstructing Jen]

Thanks for ruining my laptop. I'm gonna owe the school district a grand because I spit soda all over the screen and it ran down into the key board. Nice work.

You should definitely mail that letter to David's bridal. That place is hell right here on Earth. Really it is.

[Carolyn]

OH MY HECK THIS WAS HYSTERICAL! I LOVED THIS!
I had to try to mute my laughter under a pillow as I lie here and read it in my bed on my laptop while my DH snores beside me!
I am going to link this on my page! IT WAS THE BOMB!
I wish you would enter my bloggin' contest so I could hand out an award button Jo-Lynne is making for me! If you're into those kind of things!
I have tears in my eyes. I can't wait to read this again tomorrow, so I can LAUGH OUT LOUD!

[Robyn]

Enjoyed this post more than you'll ever know.

Hysterical.

And I'll pay you a dollar to mail that letter to Mr. Dave. You have my permission to forge my signature at the bottom, too. Just write "Ditto" and sign my name.

This was awesome. I'll be back for sure.

[Debbie]

What is up with bridal dress stores that look at customers like lunatics if they come in looking for dresses with less than 2 years before the wedding date!?! Seriously. I went in 6 months before looking for a bridesmaid dress and they looked at me like I was crazy? Do people seriously buy dresses that long in advance before the date? What if I gain 30 lbs in all that time!? Weirdos. Anyway, I hate that about DB's dressing rooms--or any dressing room that doesn't have mirrors in the rooms themselves. Bastards! =P

[Amanda - VintageDutchGirl]

Oh I HATE the upper lip sweat! How do you surreptitiously wipe it away!? You can't!

[Audrey - Pinks & Blues]

I totally know what you mean. I went to David's Bridal about 4 years ago for a friend's wedding. The dresses were ALL different sizes. I mean, seriously... all different. I spent about an hour in there trying to find "the perfect black" dress because we could wear any style we desired... it just had to be black. Oh, the joy!
And I'm so a sweat-er too. I sweat standing still in cold weather! So you can imagine this HEAT WAVE!
Thakns for the funny post... it got me up and laughing this morning!!
xo,
Audrey

[Mom24]

I'm shamed to write this, but I recently "heard" that if you put deoderant/anti-perspirant under and between your boobs it stops the sweat there too. Not that I know from experience or anything...but it works!

BTW--I HATE David's bridal. When my slightly chubby daughter was going to be a bridesmaid a few years ago, it was h*** to find a dress, and the staff was no help whatsoever. Then the darn alterations cost more than the dress.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

Sooo we still need to know- did you find the dress!?

Steph

[kathleen w.]

That was hysterical! You are a wonderful writer, and I just love the funny observations and metaphors (the hot dog thing), probably because they are so true.

I too hate David's Bridal. I am no skinny-minny (read: fat!) and I hated that the mirrors weren't in the dressing rooms, and their fake sizes, and the fact that every time I went in there (once stupidly to find a wedding dress, 2 times for bridesmaid dresses) there were always toothpick bridal parties trying on stuff and flaunting about. Hopefully my wedding days are done, but I'm not so sure.

[Thea @ I'm a Drama Mama]

Ah yes, David's Bridal. I was lured there years ago with claims of a $99 dress only to be laughed at when actually walked in the door.

They suck. Hard.

And I'm pretty done with this heat. We are getting a "break" today of only an 86 for a high. Sweet relief.

I second Steph. Did you ever find a dress??

[Nan]

ohmylord, that's funny. those dressing rooms are so dumb, i agree.

[Erika]

Seriously, laughing so hard I spit Special K on my desk! I had visions of myself being stuck in a prom dress of long ago...sweaty, frustrated and so right in that moment with you. Great post!

[Rhonda (Mimi)]

Beth,
This would make great stand-up material for last comic standing. You should apply...I know what you mean though about those fancy dresses you get stuck on your body trying them on. I can't believe they didn't have mirrors in the dressing rooms...

[RubiaLala]

You are this best. This is hysterical.

I want to see video of that. You should ask them if you can submit it to AFV and then you could at least win money for the horror!

[Mary]

I've always said you should be a stand-up comedienne. Now I rest my case.

[Tirzah]

It's experiences like this that make me really hate shopping!!! I hope you are able to find something you like in time!

[Amiee]

Oh I am laughing so hard...........with you, not at you. Just this past Easter, I became stuck in a dress! I thought I was going to be forever half in/half out of it. I had to have my 11 yr. old daughter peel it off of me! This, while everyone, including the sales lady, was waiting for me to come out in dress #102 (at least that's what it felt like!)Hope you find your dress. I found a dress for a wedding I was in at a bridal shop, in the basement, where there were a ton of dresses on clearance. Seems they were ordered and then never picked up. I got it for #25!!!!!!

[Amiee]

Oops! Meant to say $25......

[Amy]

Oh my goodness... hysterical. I HATE when all the mirrors are outside the dressing rooms... it's just mean.

[Jen]

"Because for one, your size twelves are actually size eights, and that alone makes me want to punch you in the face."

The whole post had me laughing, but this was my absolute favorite part!! You really should mail the letter. Just think maybe you could be the leader in the revolution against mirror-less dressing rooms!

[Kaye Butler]

I feel your pain. I recently had a run in with a product made by Sallye Hansen...I swear Sallye Hansen is male! Check out my blog www.butlerfamilydiaries.blogspot.com, the blog labeled Friends, we have and pool and Sallye Hansen is a man!

[Virginia]

One time I went there and they lady was so nice to me... until I told her that I was just looking for a dress around $100. All of a sudden she became rude. Instead of showing me, she just pointed out the area and quickly took off. I felt so stupid I just left. It was a bad experience.