Days are different

I'm not in a very good place right now, mentally and emotionally.

Tonight, we had our new swing set delivered, the kids were so excited to finally have something to do outside, they swung and played and laughed and the weather was beautiful, almost chilly.

Everything was so good.  But as I watched our children play so freely and happily, I felt sadness knowing that James and Jake should be sharing that swing set with them in a few years.  Can you imagine the fun?  Having these beautiful, identical twin boys, swinging in their safety swings, laughing and us laughing, I would for sure be taking pictures. 

It just made me so sad that we won't have that.

But it also made me sad that THEY won't have that.  That they don't get to feel the sun and the wind on their face while swinging on the swings.  They can't laugh at a field of lightning bugs, they can't feel the chill of a snowball in their hands, they won't feel the hugs we have to offer, they won't know the joy of playing "this little piggy" over and over again, or know the pride of learning to ride a bike.

I know many of you will tell me that they are in heaven doing those things, but that doesn't make me feel better, because for one...we don't KNOW that.  And two...I want them to do these things on earth, with us.

I can't seem to understand why our boys were taken from us.  I can't understand why this happened to us when there are thousands of abortions each year, I can't understand why Brad and Angelina have twins right now.  Not that I think they shouldn't have twins, but why do they and we don't?

My pregnancy with James and Jake was the best pregnancy I had ever had, although we had so many scares and I had some health issues, my weight was good, my mentality was good and I had never been happier.

Why was that ripped away from us?   

On the other hand, just this morning I could barely contain the happiness and love I was feeling.  I was listening to The Beatles "I have to admit it's getting better, all the time."  You know that song, right?  Well, that's what I was thinking - "I have to admit it's getting better."  And it is, my life, as a whole, is better because I now realize all that I have, I can see that now and I saw it before, but not quite this clearly.

But it's almost as if my grief is hiding around the corner somewhere just waiting to jump out at me, waiting to make me sad again, sometimes when I least expect it, it arrives, boldly, in my heart. 

I can remember, just hours after learning that James and Jake had died, I was sitting in my hospital bed, talking with Brian and my parents and I said "this makes me realize what miracles Ariel and Racecar truly are.  Life is so precious and so fragile and so incredibly detailed, from the moment of conception everything has to go just perfectly in order for a child to be born."   And there I sat, in my hospital bed, with those boys still inside my belly, me not feeling the reality of our very sad and heart wrenching situation, waiting to deliver my sons who were no longer alive, realizing and appreciating the gifts in our lives.

Although things are getting better, that doesn't mean we do not feel sadness and emptiness, because we are still sad and empty, we are constantly aware of what is missing from our lives.

We are also constantly aware of what we have and that is what will get us through this.

Slowly, but surely.

But sometimes, like tonight, the reality of all that we have been through, just hurts so much and it's so difficult to accept.  No matter how good we have it, sometimes the pain is so big and so intense, it cripples me and makes me wonder how I'll ever get through my life, feeling the pain that I do.

Comments

[Nicole]

Allow yourself to have these moments. It's okay! Again...I would think you were abnormal or super woman if you didn't. This year with all the "firsts" will sting like no other. In 5 yrs. it will feel different. It still hurts but it isn't raw.

[Tara R]

I'm so sorry. I'm still praying.

[sunshine]

I read this today and it made me cry. It was a necessary sadness. I thought of you and wanted to provide the link. It's a story about someone else's loss. If you don't want to read it, I get that, just ignore it. But if the mood strikes...

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200808_omag_memoir_mccracken

[Kristin]

Wish I was there just to give you a hug.

[Zak]

I found your blog through Steph's and I have been reading about your family and I wanted to let you know how sorry I am about the twins.

Thank you for being so honest and real.

[jodi@blog-o-licious]

i am not a religious person but i somehow deep down believe that the souls of james and jake will return to you someday - as new children, nephews, nieces...

(i hope that didn't sound too weird.)

take care of yourself. keep writing.

[staciesmadness]

I think you will always have these moments of sadness, I mean how can you NOT? *hugs*