Desolate Travels

I have a heavy duty case of the blahs and I have had them all week long.  I'm neither overly sad nor overly happy, I'm just.....

BLAH.

I hate blah.  I don't want to do anything, clean, shop, dance, cry.  Maybe just eat, sometimes shower, talk to my kids, look at my husband blankly.

Sometimes I blame the anti-depressants I am on.  After I had Racecar, my OB put me on an anti-depressant (am I supposed to hyphen that or am I wasting pinky energy?) and I can recall feeling this way after awhile.  I was never happy and I was totally incapable of crying.  I hated it.  (although right now I am NOT incapable of crying, I just feel...dead, most of the time.  When I feel sad, I FEEL sad, sometimes it feels good to feel something, even if it's sadness.)

Before I even delivered James and Jake, one of my OB's prescribed Prozac to me, without telling me.  I found out when a nurse came in and said "here's your prozac."  and I was like "pro, who?"  The doctor had never talked to me about this prescription and it upset me.  I told her "no, thank you" and sent her on her merry way, explaining that I wasn't ready and that I hadn't even talked to the doctor about it.  The nurse left.

The next day, another nurse came in with prozac.  The situation was the same as the day before, the doctor still hadn't talked to me about it and I was being blinded sided by all of the  prozac flying around.  I began to refer to these people as The Prozac Posse.  (I think it's important for me to say that the doctor PUSHING THE PROZAC was not the FAVORITE, AWESOME, LOVING, CARING, GREATEST DOCTOR TO WALK THIS EARTH doctor.) 

It was the other one.  (I'm very affectionate towards her, as you can probably see.)

And believe it or not, before leaving the hospital, after saying I would just like a prescription for Prozac, that I would have it filled when I was ready in a few days or weeks, the Prozac Posse brought me another one.  I began to wonder if they were given a dollar per pill per patient from Prozac.  (that's a whole lot of P's!)  Of course, I did not really think that, but it was still hard for me to believe that they were totally ignoring my requests, making me feel like a chart without a voice rather than a person with an opinion.

They did explain to me that Prozac takes many weeks for it to take effect, and I understood that, but I just wanted to feel, without help, what I am supposed to feel.  Even if it meant feeling intense sorrow and sadness, I wanted to feel that, for James and Jake.

The day after the memorial service, I grabbed the prescription from the fridge, brought it to Brian and said "PLEASE GO TO WALGREENS, AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, AND FILL THIS FREAKIN' PRESCRIPTION BECAUSE I CAN'T FEEL THIS INTENSELY SAD AND BROKEN AND DEAD FOR MUCH LONGER."

He leaped from his chair and ran to Walgreens and I proceeded to have one of the biggest, yet, most necessary, breakdowns I had ever had in my life up to that point, there with my two sisters and my Mom.  It's was meant to happen that way, they were supposed to see me show the honest depths of my pain, and I was supposed to learn that showing real emotions, in front of others, was a sign of strength, not weakness.

Something I am still struggling to learn.

So, this past week, when I think back on that moment, I almost envy that girl, sitting on the couch surrounded by her family, crying, unable to stop.  I envy that it was expected of her to cry that way, at any given moment, I envy her ability to physically cry.

Because right now, when I'm surrounded by others and I think about how sad I am at that very moment, I think about how inappropriate it would be for me to just break down and cry, right there, while sitting on my couch.

And you can tell me it's okay to cry during those moments, but it's not. 

So, I don't, I hold it in and this road called grief, becomes lonelier and lonelier with each mile I tread, each milestone I pass.  I am thankful for others who express their grief and their feelings, openly, like me.  My heart may be broken, but when others openly share their feelings of grief, this road doesn't feel so desolate.

As each day passes, I realize how incredibly numb I have become, and it just seems to be getting worse.  At what point can I stop popping the prozac?  It seems like never will be a good time.  Sometimes I wonder if I can truly dealing with my feelings of sadness when I am taking prozac, does taking prozac mask something?  If I weren't taking prozac would I be able to get out of bed each morning?

Time does not heal all wounds, you just learn how to deal with them, on your own. 

I wish I could punch the person who made that shit up.

Comments

[Maxime]

I'll hold him down, you beat the crap out of him...

((HUG))

[crookedeyebrow]

Um, a lot of people hate taking meds because they get "stuck" and just can't feel anything any longer. They are just *there* watching everything go by,unable to be happy or cry, just there. I think it's normal. What you feel is normal.

I'm all for crying, but is there a lower dose? Can you call your doctor and wean your self down from it when you are ready? Long story short, talk to your doctor about your meds.

As far as the lonely road you feel you are walking... I hope you find some great hitch-hikers along the way that can direct you to a better road. (A road that has a creamstone creamery on every block)

*our thumbs are out

[Dana]

Oh Beth!! I really hate to say I can imagine what you are feeling because in so many ways I can't. But, in some ways I can. I have been depressed. Clniically depressed. I have been on depression medication (zoloft) and although it has saved me from my depression in the past, I always hated the way it took away my feelings. There were no longer any lows but there no longer any "highs" either. It was like the depths of my emotions were just flattened out. I didn't really like that feeling.

So, I can sort of understand what you are saying.....and there isn't really anybody that can make it any better, to change the death of James and Jake. They should have had a life, a chance, and it just isn't fair nor will it ever be "ok". But, I think you are doing a great job dealing with your emotions and being honest about what you are feeling or aren't.

I wish I had the answers for you, but I hope it helps to say I'm here - we're here to listen and help you through it. (((hugs)))

Dana

[Susan]

They've never done the prozac thing to me, so I can't really answer the question. However, if you are wondering when to stop taking it, I would say that you should talk to the doc NOW. Maybe the dosage could be changed, or maybe you are ready for a prozac-free existence again.

Good luck, sweety - I'm thinking about you!

[mandy]

I know what you mean about the meds too, I have been on some that just made me feel-barely there. ( No highs, no lows, just existing. On the other hand, not all of them make you feel that way. I am taking one now that has helped tremendously and I feel *happy* feelings often (which rarely occured before-outside of shopping, chocolate..and the usuals) So, if you happen to come off the P, and you are having trouble with too-low of the lows..you might be able to try something different that might help. Just a thought.

Thinking of you often..

[DesignHER Momma]

oh wow, I would be so ticked off if my doctor gave me antidepressants without really talking to me first. Antidepressants are great for many, many people, but it's not the ONLY way to deal with depression and hard times.

I'm sure you have heard that your feelings are "natural"...but I'm so sorry "natural" has to suck so hard.

Still praying for your family. Still praying for you.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

I have found that some of the best cries are at the most inappropriate times. You can't plan that type of release.

Steph

[Sara]

I agree with Steph. "Inappropriate" doesn't mean "Not Right". Healing is healing, and always useful.

About the Prozac. My guess is you are taking too much. A lower dose for now would probably be a great thing. I don't know how much you are taking, but while The Hubs was in Iraq, I was taking 60 mg a day. Now that he's back and things are "okay" I'm down to 20, about to be 10. At 60 I didn't "feel". Now at 20, it's a good balance. I have feelings again.

Love and Hugs!

[Andrea]

Hi Beth, I am one of your lurker fans...I find myself unable to NOT comment in regards to your meds. I don't know what kind of a reaction that you could possibly have coming off of them, so I would certainly insist (if I was one of your loving family members) that you speak with a TRUSTED and empathetic family physician or psychologist. The last few years of my life have been tumultuous: the whole gamut of issues, from depression to anxiety. The story would be long, drawn out and almost "movie of the week" quality, but I digress...my "family" doctor, I use the term loosely because he was a crackpot, gave me a sample package of an antidepressant to use last summer and sent me on my merry way. I took ONE pill a few days later, and was so "cracked out" that my boyfriend was afraid to leave me alone until the effects wore off that evening. The feelings, both physical and psychological, that I had that day were so terrifying that I decided then and there that I was going to just have to "feel" my way through this cluster f*!k on my own. I think that in SOME cases, medication is just going to push down your feelings until you stop taking it...in other words, you're going to have to feel all that stuff at some point; or stay medicated forever. You can do this. It's disgusting what sometimes we are forced to experience, but there is absolutely nothing to be gained for eternal grieving; it will not alter history. I think that might be too harsh, I'm sorry. I have no idea of your medical history, and by no means am trying to tell you what's right or wrong for you...just a bit of personal insight I suppose. I think you have a fantastic soul, and you are a beautiful person. I am very new to this blog thing, but I now know the impact that people can have on each other; without even meeting.
Take care, follow your gut Beth...it knows what you want, just make sure you are well informed and safe.
Andrea

[Amy M]

Count me in with the people saying a smaller dose. I have a "favorite" antidepressant when I need one and it doesn't completely numb, but it does ease the anxiety so I can deal with my life sometimes. I can't recall if you are seeing a mental health specialist (therapist, psychologist, etc) but if you aren't, I'd definitely suggest that. Someone to help you most effectively work through your emotions and see if medication is in your best interest or if you just need some help walking and feeling through your days. Much love as always.

[Emily]

I was once given the advice - whatever you are feeling in any given moment is the right feeling. There are no "correct" or "wrong" emotions for certain situations. Whatever you are feeling is what you need to feel. We all express ourselves differently and if you find yourself crying then that's probably what you need. (regardless of whether thats what you *want* to be feeling.) Be kind and patient with yourself Beth xoxo

[Minivan mom]

I'm appalled by the Prozac posse, but not surprised. Most MDs have no clue when it comes to anti-depressants, and I HATE HATE HATE, as a counselor and patient, when doctors just blithely prescribe something that they favor because 1. it worked for a few of their patients or 2. they think that pharmaceutical rep is cute. (trust me, it happens).

I personally, again as a counselor and patient, am opposed to patients being allowed to take anti-depressant medication without coinciding therapy and close monitoring. It's irresponsible at best and downright dangerous at worst (this is said in NO WAY as an indictment against you, but to the medical community that thinks it's okay to give you a prescription and send you on your way).

Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk about it, and please consider making an appointment with a qualified psychologist, psychiatrist or (my favorite given all my experience with this) a NP who specializes in psychiatric medicine.

Hugs Beth.

[Laurie]

I'm in an ass-kickin mood - can I come help?

[Megan (FriedOkra)]

My feelings are all over the map with respect to anti-depressants so I'm not commenting on that - you've already gotten some great advice in the previous comments PLUS you have a great doctor and have been to a counselor (I don't know if you're still going?), and you're a smart lady, so among all those things I believe you'll get that figured out. I am sorry that you are blah, though. I still don't know why James and Jake didn't get to live and love and be with you, and I am still mostly angry when I think of the pain you feel at their loss. Sometimes the anger gives way to overwhelming sadness. When I think of how magnified those feelings are for you, I think briefly that BLAH must be an improvement, but then I consider how vital and amazing and soulful you are... how freely you express and give the depths yourself to people, and I know BLAH is a special kind of hell for you. You must feel lost, because less so than happiness or sadness, the nothingness is not a very BETH-sounding place.

On another note, stupid Japanese beetles ate half of my backyard while I wasn't looking over the past three days, so I have somewhere to focus my anger, and OHMYLAND when Arianne reminded me of your post about those infernal beetles on your trees, I actually laughed. Al was out there spraying what was left of the landscaping and I kept imagining him repeating your diatribe as I watched from the kitchen window. I don't know, it was funny enough picturing you do it, but imagining your completely p'd-off thoughts and words and voice coming out of a generally cheerful-looking 44 year old black man, standing on a ladder wielding a tank sprayer and wearing an iPod was some serious comedy. Hopefully you'll get a laugh out of it too.

[Anissa@Hope4Peyton]

I'm wishing I had something profound to say. I don't believe that most of the platitudes are true, but they give people who want to say "something" something to say. I can't tell you how many people said things like "but that's the GOOD cancer, right?" when my daughter was diagnosed and I was grieving for so many reasons.

I've not experienced the depths of your loss so I don't try to pretend I get it, but I will be keeping you in prayers for the healing and comfort you need.

[Tari]

I would definitely talk to a shrink, not just your regular doctor. I have panic disorder and my awesome, well-meaning internist gave me meds (the panic disorder had been silent for a while and then came out with a vengeance) but he gave me the wrong ones. I wasn't getting better so he called in a shrink, who changed everything around and presto, I was much better. He just knew that much more about it.

Now, finding a good shrink and not just a pill lover, that's another story. Very few do therapy as well as meds, so if you find one who will do therapy or who will work with a therapist to help you, that's generally a good sign you've found a helpful one.

Hang in there and keep calling on God!

[Rach]

Hi Beth - I know how this feels. And I wanted to tell you that after our daughter's twin died and we were told she would probably die too, I was in this place you are now. Sad, and desolate, and scary, and alone.

Can I tell you that you are in the valley and that brighter days are coming?

It helped me SO when someone said to me, "Rach, you don't have to TRY so hard to get out of this place. Just sit there, and be, and the feeling better will just happen."

I think that's the best advice I have ever gotten.

If you hate that advice, feel free to punch me.

My loss happened nearly 4 years ago and some days it still hits me like a ton of bricks.

[Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt]

Yes, I agree with some of the previous comments - you need to talk to your doctor and try a lower dosage or something else completely. There are other meds out there that won't make you feel flat. You need to find out what YOU need.

[Amy]

I know you said you were seeing someone before to talk - are you still doing that? Or is it an option (to help)? Also, maybe you should talk to your doctor about your meds just to made sure you are still on the right dose/pill...keeping you in my prayers...

[Holly]

Sweetheart I wish I could say I don't know what you're going through but I do. This is the time where you need to talk, express yourself and cry. You need to allow yourself to grieve. I know it's hard. We have to be strong for our families. We also need that release. Funny but during my loss I wasn't given anything. I suppose they would of if I asked. I felt that my reactions and grief deserved to be out there. To be seen and felt. No we don't forget and no it does not get easier. We go on. As mother's it's what we do. My HEART goes out to you. I hold you in my arms. Always.

[Debbie]

I hate feeling blah too and I've been feeling that way lately as well. :( Hopefully we'll get out of this "feeling" soon!

[Holly]

I realized my comment might of seemed like I didn't think you needed the meds. No that was not my thought. I think if they help you then yes they are right for you. Believe me I have been on them before myself. I agree with others though if you are "dull" right now then the dosage might be too high or it isn't the right med for you. I used Zoloft before and it helped without making me a zombie. Again {{{HUGS}}}

[Jen]

I think you could be on to something. While it is a risk to go off the meds altogether, it may be worth considering so that you can see if it makes a difference.

It does sound as if you really need to feel this sadness and not just get through each day pretending that everything is ok, when
it is not.

I'm going to agree with everyone else's comments to pursue therapy if you haven't already done so. I know my sister in law (who went through something similar) did a small group session for awhile. She eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't helpful.

I hope you can find peace and happiness amidst all this sorry. I'm praying for you!

[sunshine]

Can I stand behind you and get the next swing?

*hugs*

[Susan]

As a mental health professional, I agree with several commenters above who suggest that counseling/therapy along with meds is the best approach. And perhaps getting the meds from a psychiatrist rather than a gp or ob might bring an improvement. There really are differences and psychiatrists know the subtle nuances of the different meds.

I'm going hunting for the Prozac Posse now. Bitches.