Her Soldier *updated*

Here's a note from Teresa to all of you.  (by the way...you, readers?  You are incredible.)

Wow.  I am truly overwhelmed by the responses to my story!  I want to thank each and every one of you for writing and sending your well-wishes and prayers our way.  I have to tell you that the more people I have to pray for my soldier the more secure I feel! He called in the wee hours last night and things are going well so far.  He should be sending me an address soon and to those of you who asked for it to send him a care package, I will be happy to pass it on.  This has truly been a remarkable experience for me and I appreciate all of your support and kindness.  What a wonderful group of women I had the privilege to hear from!  Again, thank you, thank you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I have a very special guest writer today.  Her name is Teresa.  She is my sister-in-law, her husband, my brother, Dan, left for Iraq two days ago.  I asked her to write for this blog, her thoughts and emotions as a way to share with all of us, just exactly what it's like to watch your spouse be deployed into a war zone.  Not one time, not two, but three times.  She sent this to me in the wee hours of the morning this morning and today, I opened up my laptop, at Panera and began to read, and I cried.  This is one of the most amazing, emotional, heart breaking things I have ever read.  I ask that you please show your support for both Teresa and Dan in the comments, they both check my blog regular and Dan is due to guest post sometime soon.  Thank you, Teresa.

I have survived day one and almost day two now without my soldier.  I say survived because that's exactly what it is.  Emotions are a heavy thing. The hard ones can eat you up if you let them. The night before he left I was actually patting myself on the back pretty much all day because I had kept it together. I even thought this time might be a little easier since I seemed to be getting through the day with smiles and no tears. The whole family went out together: Dada, Nommy, Ga, Ehtu and T-Monkey. (those are the names my 23 month old has given all of us in the house- and yes, she is the monkey!) Anyway, we all got through dinner with laughter and TONS of food and even a few happy pictures.  The last time he deployed none of us could eat or be in the same room together without crying. So, I thought this was great- piece of cake, right? 

Everything was going great until it was time to put the kids to bed. Since Dan had to be in at 4 in the morning for his weapons draw and itinerary check, we thought it would be best to let the kids stay up a little late and then stay in bed and sleep while I took him to the unit. We have this routine with T-monkey where we put on her music, give her a ba-ba while we rock her and then put her in the crib.  She's our last baby so give me a break about the bottle thing, ok?  Anyway, Dan took this shift since it would be the last time he would see and hold her for a good 8 months. And that's when it hit me.  Like a freakin' freight train. I lost it.  All control over tears and emotions just flew out of my Colorado windows.  All I could think about was how much he loves that little girl and lets her get away with anything and everything because she is his baby girl. 

I remember when I got pregnant with her- 9 years after my middle child- and he hoped and wished that it would be a girl because we had two boys already and that she would look just like me.  Well, he got exactly that - it's like he special ordered her from God!  And since then, she has been in control of his heart and I love it.  I kept thinking about how hard it's going to be for him to not wake up to her bright, curly-headed smiling face and her 'hi, dada' in the morning.  How she won't really understand why she doesn't see dada when she gets out of bed in the morning and why he hasn't appeared for dinner. How she won't understand that when she asks for dada he can't come to her and pick her up and save the day.  My heart is breaking and the tears are here again.

Then, it was the boys turn. They had kept it together really well for the past couple of days.  They are 14 and 11 and handsome and wonderful boys. They mow the lawn for me and do the dishes after dinner and crawl in bed with me for 30 minutes at night before they climb in their own beds just to hang out.  They are my saving grace.  We took them bowling, and Dan took them to the movies - just the guys- the day before. Dad even made their favorite ribs on the grill a couple nights before even though he really didn't have time. But that would be the last set of ribs to be made for about 8 months.  Lord knows I don't know how to make those things or even have the patience to mess with consistent heat on the grill!  It was time for lights out for them as well and I don't know if any of you know this but as a mother of little men, the hardest thing to see is your not- so -little boys trying to be brave and not cry for dad. In the end they couldn't hold it in.  They are veterans of this deployment thing. They have been through this 3 times before, really remembering at least 2 of them. This man of mine is their one and only hero.  They look up to him and think he is the best thing since sliced bread. They can't get enough of him. And now they are left with just me- to be the Dad and the Mom. To throw the football and play Wii with. (I have to admit I actually love the Wii!)

And I have to be strong and tough so they don't worry about me too.  They have enough to worry about.  I just pray that my lines of communication are open enough to them so that they can talk to me about anything, even embarrassing boy stuff that only Dad can hear about.  They only cried for a little while since they were so tired from staying up late.  My plan worked, a little.  I couldn't turn the water works off- I tried to go in my bathroom and look myself in the mirror and say "stop it, now. He needs you to be strong and happy.  You don't want him to think of you like this.. puffy eyed, red nosed, and absolutely hideous from all these tears. They can wait until tomorrow."  But I just couldn't do it.  It was my strong, handsome husband who found me and was strong for me. Holding me and telling me he'd be home before I knew it. That everything would be ok, just let it out and don't hold it in on his account. Superman, I tell ya.

We packed for the rest of the night trying to make sure he had everything he needed to get by at least until I could send him more. We had this whole romantic night planned but it just didn't happen.  I won't think about that though because originally he was supposed to have left on our anniversary and then his flight was pushed back.  That was really our night.  It was perfect and I felt so blessed that we were able to have one more anniversary together. That's the memory of us that I want to hold on to.

It was finally 3:30 in the morning and time to load the van and make that 25 minute trip to the Fort. It was silent. We held hands, tightly. Those damn tears just wouldn't stop. We promised each other no regrets. He kept insisting that everything was going to be just fine. If only I could tap into some of that incredible strength of his. 

When we get there it's sooo dark and sooo reminiscent of the first time he left when the war was just starting.  Back then he was a company commander and all of his 100 soldiers and their families were bustling about, getting their gear loaded, tons of pictures being taken.  All the guys were upbeat and ready to go and do what they had been training for ever since they first signed up. He was busy checking all the blocks on the list making sure he was ready to lead these men to the best of his ability.  It something right out of a movie.  This time, there would be only one other family there. A woman with her two small daughters dressed in jammies and wrapped in princess blankets. Her soldier, returning yet again just like mine.  Her soldier with the signs of war on his face, just like mine. Her situation just like mine, a single mom again. The signs of another deployment on her face, just like mine. We  understood each other without even having to say a word. I love the Army wife bond.  It's an incredible thing.

He has always made me laugh and this morning was no different- he was still being funny and putting a smile on my face. They drew their weapons and it was time to load the van. I had Dan walk me to the car cause the thought of seeing him get in the Army van and drive away was just more than I could handle. I missed him already and he was holding me in his arms.  I kissed his beautiful face and promised him I would take care of his babies. He promised me he would be safe and would be home soon. I pray for that.

I cried for the first 10 minutes on the trip home. I called my sister, and she comforted me enough that the tears subsided. I was doing ok, tired but ok until I pulled into our driveway by myself. Entered our home, by myself. Crawled into our bed, by myself. The loneliness punched me in the gut. I cried some more until I fell asleep. 

It's been 48 hours now since he left. He's already called to tell us that he's safely in Kuwait and is waiting for the next flight to Baghdad. I've been trying to clean the house and stay busy because the minutes are dragging by. I'm pretty stoked about the 2 days being behind us already. I've already sent him a picture of his baby girl of his two favorite things- her hair right after a bath and her playing in her Elmo t-shirt. I might be ready to walk out the front door tomorrow. I usually lay low for the first few days in fear of showing emotion in public especially in front of new neighbors. No promises. I did take the kids out in the back yard tonight to play so I feelthat's a good start. I don;t want anyone to feel sorry for us. We'll make it through this- just like we have in the past. Just well wishes and prayers will do.

And just a little side note, if you ever have the opportunity to support the U.S.O. please do so. While in Dallas, they showed our soldiers kindness, gave them free food and drinks and let them use cell phones while they waited for their flight.  It's a terrific organization. Oh, and if you ever see a soldier in uniform, don't be afraid to walk right up to them and shake their hand and thank them for their service.  It means more than you could ever know.

Comments

[wfbdoglover]

I love the USO and thank you and your husband for your service.

[Tootie]

This was so touching! I had to fight back the tears.

Teresa - I'm a military spouse, too, so I can understand what you're going through a bit. I can see your strength through your words. You will make it!

Lots of prayers to you and your family.

[Ryley]

Wow...

Thank you for your sacrafice. it means more than you could ever imagine.. my prayers are with you and your family. I hope you continue to find strength to make it through the next 7 months and 28 days! :)

This was a very moving post with a lot of emotion.. thank you for sharing your life with us...

[Shirley Brannoch]

I am so Thankful for families like your may God Be with your husband and with you and your children. I canot even imagine what it must be like but I know I am very empathetic for our military and their families and these deployments have went on for so long its time for them to come home I pray that your hubby comes back to you safely I know God will be with him and all who serve so bravely. My Grandson was in the military for about 7 years just recently got out he is in Colorado Springs where I think you must also be. He did not have to go to iraq but did go to Korea for 1 year and had to leave his wife and baby girl 8 months old at the time I know how heartbreaking and hard it is for families. Just know we are all thankful for your service and you will be back soon Special prayers for you and your family.

[Christy M.]

Thank you Teresa for sharing this beautiful story with us. Thank you Dan for serving our country and ensuring our freedom. I am so grateful to the sacrifices that both of you are making for all of us.

Beth has only wonderful things to say about each of you. All the time. I'll keep you in my constant thoughts.

[Becky]

God bless you and your family! I strongly believe that there are two types of soldiers. One type is in the armed services and the other is the love ones at home! Thank you to you and your family!

[Shantel]

Thank you Teresa for sharing this beautiful story. Thank you Dan and all the other soldiers that serve for our country. I have asked Beth several times about you and how you handle things when he is gone. I have said this before and will say it again, it takes a special person to be a military spouse. All the things you all go through. My best friend is in the Navy and she says the bond in the military is like nothing you will ever see in the civilian world. Teresa, I will be thinking about your family daily and praying that Dan comes home sooner than you realize. Hang in there and rely on your family and friends for comfort. You are always welcome to e-mail me also if you ever feel the need.

Take care of yourself and those beautiful children.

Thank you to you and your family!!!

[Tracye]

When my mil & I and my kids were in the Houston airport, flying to see my husband graduate from the FBI National Academy (after 3 months away from home; it really, really sucks) in Virginia, we saw many, many soldiers hanging out in a little private hallway. I was really intimidated, but really wanted to say something. I finally got the courage to ask, "Are you coming or going?" They said, "We're going." I almost cried, just like I am now. I told them, "Be careful, and come home soon." They said, "Thanks." My mil and I both said, "No. Thank YOU."

I've already said a prayer for your husband, but I'll keep saying them until he comes home safely. I'll also be praying for strength for you and the kids. I really, really admire and respect you and him (and all the rest of the men & women) for the sacrifices you have made and continue to make.

Be encouraged, and tell him to be safe.

[Cindy]

Man that just ripped my heart out. Thank you so much for the sacrifice your family makes to keep us all safe. I know you'll make it, but it doesn't make it any easier getting through every day. I am adding you, Dan and the kids to my daily prayer list. I know God is watching over all of you.

[Mary]

Teresa, this post is so moving and touching. My heart has been breaking for Dan since we found out he was leaving. These separations are so hard especially when homelife is so wonderful. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you and Ga and Ehtu and his precious little T-Monkey to not have him at home with you. I'm grateful though, that he has such a wonderful, supportive wife and family waiting for him back home. And I know you. You'll constantly shower him with news and long-distance attention until he returns. And you'll handle everything at home with strength and wisdom just like you've done everytime before. I'm proud of you, T-Money, almost as proud as I am of him. And, I'm counting the days with you.

[Karen]

Wow. That made me feel like I was there with you. I'm so sad for what you all are going through. But I thank Dan for his service and his braveness and I pray that he gets home safe and sound.

[mandy]

wow, I hate that you have to do this Again. I wish you and your children the best and the fastest 8 mo possible! I imagined my husband leaving me and my children, who he loves so much for 8 months and just lost it. I can't even fathom what it's like, but thank you.

[~lovelyn]

thank you for sharing this with us and your family's amazing service to our country. my heart was breaking as i read this, just trying to imagine some of what you're going through. i'm happy to be able to pray for you and your family regularly. blessings.

[Susan]

Beth warned us but the tears are flowing and the snot is slinging. What a beautiful post and tribute to your entire family. Please know that you're on my prayer list now and thank you for sharing. Wow.

[Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity]

i, too, am crying. I guess because this hits a little close to home? No husband here to ship off, but I've shipped my brother and cousin off several times, and I'm an Army brat, so I've seen my dad go off as well.

I will be praying for your family, for you, and all of the rest of the families affected.

hugs

[Susan]

Thanks for the beautiful post. I'll be praying for all of you until he comes home again.

[Kellyn]

Your sacrifice, both your and your husbands, are a blessing to us all. Thank you, for being Mom and Dad the next 8 months. You are the solider that doesn't get the recognition you deserve.

[Debbie]

As an Army wife myself I can say that being an Army wife is definitely one of the hardest jobs--ever! I will make sure to pray that God gives you the strength and peace to carry on until your husband comes home. I hope the time flies by and that he comes home safe and sound. Thank you for supporting your husband during this and his previous deployments. It's a huge sacrifice for everyone--thank you! God bless you!

[Amy F.]

I've only cried while reading blog posts a handful of times (mainly Beth's!), but this post.... the soldier, his special wife and family, those last moments spent together prior to deployment, and the emotions everyone was feeling...whew...really got to me. Thank you for giving us just a glimpse and sharing such an intimate, yet difficult time in your lives.

I have great respect and gratitude for Dan and all of the men and women serving in the military. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Your family is absolutely beautiful. The boys are so handsome and strong. And your daughter, oh my goodness...those curls are adorable!! She is so precious!

I will be thinking of you, Teresa, and of course, Dan, and your sweet family in the coming months. God Bless you all!

[Sara]

Teresa-

Thank you. I have been saying for the last 6 years that I could not ever be an Army wife. I am a military wife. Your job is not one that I would wish anyone to have, but yet, I am so grateful for woman (and men) like you who CAN handle the long deployments. (My husband is in the Air Force) I know what you mean when you say you "survive" it. We made it through our first deployment this last winter. Knowing that you and many others were going through worse than our 5 month stints helped me.

Bless you. You are definately on my list of heroes. Near the very top!

[Amy]

Teresa,
Such an eloquent post...thank you for putting into words what you are going through, your family is in my thoughts and prayers. What a huge sacrifice, there are no words for that except thank you so much.

[crookedeyebrow]

Teresa, you are a beautiful soul and your soldier Dan is so very lucky to have you and those GORGEOUS kids. I stopped, cried, re-read, cried. All I can say is that you, Dan and your family will be in so many others thoughts and prayers. I can't wait until the day you get to hold your soldier and kiss his beautiful face again.

Dan, you sir are amazing and you have all of our thoughts and love behind you.Know it and feel each day. Thank you and I look forward to your post and updates.

For the both of you. You have a love that is timeless and I just hope 8 months safely fly by. Much love to you both.

~CE

[Audra]

Your words were really beautiful. I'll be praying for Dan's safe return to his beautiful family. Thank you to Dan, to all our soldiers, and to all our military families!

[Angie]

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I was in the military, but never in combat. My cousins have been deployed numerous times in Iraq.

Your strength is amazing. Please know that you have many people behind you helping you get through until the day your husband comes home. Your children are beautiful! Thank you to you and your husband...and all of the men and women in the military...and to their spouses that hold the fort down while their better halves are gone protecting this great country of ours.

[Patty Harral]

I am praying for you and yours. May the Lord bless you and keep you.