Not so easy right now

Tomorrow, Ariel starts Kindergarten.  On Friday, Racecar begins his second year of preschool, he'll go three days a week.

Today, we shopped and did laundry and cleaned and filled out forms, all in preparation for school to begin.  The kids are so excited and I'm really excited for them.

Last November, just hours after taking a pregnancy test and learning I was pregnant, I figured out that I would be due just before school started.  I thought it was fun because here I thought that in the fall of 2008 I would have time to myself three days a week, time to clean, shop, work, blog, whatever I wanted.  But in fact, the time would instead be spent nursing, changing diapers, cuddling, resting.

I could not wait.

To learn that for almost nine hours a week I would have time alone with my TWO baby boys, well, I was simply over the moon.

So, right now, as we prepare for school to start and I approach my time alone, I realize, quite easily, that I am so sad.  I do not want to be alone, I do not want my house to myself, I do not want the peace and quiet. 

That's not what I want.

I don't know if it's that this time that was to be spent with James and Jake will now be spent by myself, or if it's watching my kids enjoy the last few days of summer and become completely excited at the thought of school starting again and knowing that James and Jake won't have that.  Or if it's that so many of my best friends are about to give birth any day now, or if it's everything combined, but my heart is so heavy.  So heavy.   The strength I have been feeling deep within me is crumbling.  The desire to know, hug, kiss, teach and love our sons is intense, overwhelming and lingering.  It's seemingly growing stronger every single day.

When I think about their little bodies, their beautiful souls, their amazing perfection and I  think about the fact that they are not here AND NEVER WILL BE, well, I feel like a failure.  Like a bad Mom.  A terrible person.  I wonder what I did that was so wrong to have killed my babies.

All I wanted to do was to love and protect them and watch them grow.  I would teach them to be kind and loving.  And they would have been so kind and so loving, if they had just been given a chance.  I would have done anything to keep them from harm.  Anything.

I can't comprehend all that has happened in this past year, I can't explain why we have gone from utter joy to complete despair.  I can not properly express what it feels like inside my heart and soul right now, but what I can tell you is that both my heart and my soul hurt so very much and sometimes I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to recover.

The funny thing is, if feeling sadness is my way of feeling them, then I'd rather feel sadness than nothing at all.

Comments

[Tara R]

ah honey, I'm sorry. I'm here and I'm listening.

[Dana]

Beth:

I wish I knew the right words to say - the perfect combination of words that would comfort you and take away your pain. But I realize that all I can do is to say that I think all your feelings are sooo normal. So valid. And the fact that you are feeling extreme sadness and emptiness - well, that just means youa re human. And like you said, at least you are FEELING. I think being completely numb and not able to feel would be worse.

You are blogging about it, putting your feelings out there, to examine and poke and prod and I think it is very cathartic and I hope therapeutic for you.

It is so damned unfair. That James and Jake were taken from you. But you must know that it is not your fault. It is not. You did not do anything. You are a wonderful mother and were to James and Jake. You will always be their mother.

(((hugs))) and I wish I could say more to help you....but I'm sure other bloggers out there will be better with words than I.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

I know that numbness is not always the best thing to feel, so I do hope you feel close to them in your sadness. I wish we had the answers, and I do have to say I think you've been extra strong in my eyes lately and are due for a good crumbling if you need it. Like you said, maybe you'll feel their closeness in that. I'm thinking of you lots.

Steph

[kami]

This brought tears to my eyes, hang in there girl.

[Angie]

((hugs))

I guess I don't really know what to say...except that we are all here for you.

I know you don't want to be in the house alone so much; maybe you could volunteer at the kids' school for a couple of hours to help.

[Shantel]

Beth,

I don't really know what to say except I am always here for you. This brought tears to my eyes and it breaks my heart to see you hurting so bad.

[Megan]

You are not a bad mom. All of your children are blessed to have such a good mom! In many ways, reading your experience has made me a better mom. I am praying for you and your grief.

[Mom24]

I'm dreading the silence too. I also think I'm going to slap the next person who tells me 'Oh, you must be so happy to finally have some time for yourself.' Hang in there. I wish there was anything I could say to make it better.

[inthefastlane]

Silent moments are when the pain can more easily come creep in. It is no wonder you are approaching this with dread. It is ok, even if life does not feel ok. Prayers.

[Lynette]

I hate, so much, that you suffering like this. I hate that there is a void in your life. I hate that you have such deep pain and sorrow. You are never a failure, never a bad mom, never a terrible person. As a matter of fact you exemplify what it is to be a wonderful mom. Please don't ever doubt yourself and don't blame yourself. There is going to be loneliness, but look around you and see that you are surrounded by so many people and family that love you and support you. Embrace that.

[Tiffany]

no words just hugs...

[Diane]

Beth,
First, you did not "kill" your babies. They were just taken away from you. You cannot and should not blame yourself in any way! Please always remember that! We can't control anything that happens to us in this world. NOTHING. The sadness will get better; it just takes time. You're going through a lot of the "beginnings" without them. If you feel sad, then feel sad. IT'S OKAY. One day, you will feel a little less sad. Not because you don't love them anymore or miss them anymore but because your heart will begin to heal. They'll always not be there, you'll always know what is missing, but it will get easier. I can already tell by your writings that you are healing. Take your time; we are always here.
BIG hugs to you.

[Sissy]

I'm sorry, my dear. I wouldn't go back to that first year without Anna for anything in the world. I know that nothing really eases the pain. Just know there are so many people thinking of and praying for you.

[Kirsten]

Beth, you and your boys are never far from my thoughts. I have no words that can magically make it all better. Just know that we hear your pain, and you are loved!

[Liza's Eyeview]

The funny thing is, if feeling sadness is my way of feeling them, then I'd rather feel sadness than nothing at all...

I agree - sometimes sadness is what will connect you to them, and that's ok. Other times I am sure there will also be joy as you remember them.

thinking of you and praying for you,
Liza

[Laurie]

Oh Beth, what a complex web of emotions. I'm thinking of you today.... praying for better times - for you to get a glimpse of the light at the end of this tunnel and a closeness to your boys without saddness.

Hang in there girl.

[Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity]

Hugs.... :D

[Christy M.]

You know I love you, girl. I'm so sorry that you have to feel this way. I completely understand the feeling of dread you have about being home alone.

You know you didn't do anything to cause James & Jake's deaths. It was not your fault. You did everything to keep them safe and perfect and happy. During their time with you, they felt warmth and happiness and love, and they'll always be with you. The moments of silence might be hard, but embrace them. Embrace your boys and the gifts they gave you.

I'm always here if you need to talk. ALWAYS.

[walkingonsunshine]

You should NEVER think that you did something for your two little boys not to have survived. Grief is a horrible thing that you need to express, so please do not add guilt on top of it.

Isaiah 14:3...And it shall come to pass in the day that the Lord shall give thee rest from thy sorrow...

[Melissa]

((hugs)) So sorry you are having such a hard time.

[Ren]

There are no words *hugs*

[Nili]

I have been reading your Blog for some time now and although I do not know you, you remain in my prayers daily. I pray that the Peace that passes ALL understanding fills your heart and home during these times.
((((((Hugs))))))

[Jen]

I'm feeling a little bad for the "peace and quiet" comment that I left yesterday. Clearly peace and quiet is way overrated after what you have dealt with these past months. This will be hard and I hope that you will start to feel some sort of peace as you continue to go through the grieving process. It is a long process and I wish that there was something that we could say or do to make it all better. But as you wisely pointed out, at least feeling what you are feeling is a reminder of your boys and that is a good thing. Hang in there.

[staciesmadness]

like others have said, you are a wonderful mother..maybe it is time, time for you to have your breakdown while you are alone...have it, get it out...and know that my thoughts are with you always!

[Elaine]

I feel like I don't even breathe while I read these posts that come from your heart and soul.

I don't really know what to say to you other than that you are in my thoughts a lot and that if I could
take away you pain I would.

And... you are a good mother, to all four of your children...