I Should Be Folding Laundry

Yes. But he's four.

A few weeks after we moved in, the doorbell rang.  I went to the door and found two lovely boys standing sweetly in front of me.  "Can Racecar come out to play?"  (I so badly want to use real names, but Brian vetoed it...sorry!)  "Well, um...nnnnot, right now." I answered nervously.  This had never happened to me, I have never had kids come over to ask if my kids could come out to play.

I asked what their names were and how old they were, the bigger of the two spoke for both of them.  "I'm Fred and I'm 10 and this is Barney and he's 7."

"Oh, well.  Um....Racecar is four and how do you even know who Racecar is?" I asked.

"We met him in your backyard yesterday."  Which happened to be the same day I left Brian in charge of the kids outside while I worked inside and then I looked outside and saw my kids coming out of someone else's back door.  It was very "twilight zone," really.   (side note: do not leave your kids with my husband.  side note to side note:  I'm totally kidding, he watches other kids a thousand times better than he watches our own.  The first side note is just for me.)

Anyway, back to the story.  (by the way, this is how I tell stories in real life, I interrupt myself and every story has seventeen side stories and before ten hours is up, I never even finish one story.)

(just ask my sisters.)

(and Brian.)

(except I never really talk to Brian because when he gets home I am typically comatose.)

ANYWAY.

I shoo'd the boys away and shut the door and called Brian and told him how cute and crazy it was that these boys came over and asked for Racecar. 

And then the next week they came back.

"how old are you boys again?"  Ten and seven, they replied.

"You do know Racecar is four, right?" 

"Yeah, can he come out and play?" 

"Well, yes, but only in the backyard, our backyard, he's to young to run around the the neighborhood."

So, I asked Racecar if we wanted to go outside and play and he said yes.

And off they went.

For five minutes.

Then they came back again the next week.

"Can Racecar come out and play?"

"You do know he's four, right?"

"He is?  What grade is he in."  He asked as if this was brand new information.

"Well, no grade really, just preschool."

"How old is she?"  He asked while pointing at Ariel.  "She's five and she goes to your school, she's in kindergarten."

"Awesome, does she ride the bus?"

"No."

"OH MAN, SHE SHOULD RIDE THE BUS IT'S SOOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN, IT'S THE BEST, WE LOVE THE BUS, WE CAN'T WAIT FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!"

And then Ariel started to cry because she doesn't ride the bus.

So, Racecar goes outside and playS and I'm in the living room and Brian's in the office and I hear Racecar come in and say "yeah, we've got Guitar Hero and Mario Brothers and Wii Fit....."

I stood up...."um, what you are boys doing?"

"We are playing Wii."

"Well, unless there is a Wii in the backyard, then we are not playing Wii.  Racecar, if you want to play Wii, come inside and say good bye to your friends."

"Bye Friends," he said, without hesitation. (his devotion to Wii is deep, friends.  Real deep.)

Twenty minutes later.

Someone knocks on my patio door.  Shockingly, it's these boys.

"Can Racecar come out to play?"

"Yes.  But he's four."

"He is?  Is Racecar playing Wii?"

"Yes."

Racecar comes to the door.  "Hey Racecar, what are you playing?"

"Um, Guitar Hero, I want to rock and roll all night."

"Can we come in and play, we've never played Wii?"  They asked me sweetly.

"No."

Twenty minutes later, the boys return.

"Can Racecar come out to play."

"No, he has homework."

"But he's only four, how can he have homework?  Can we come in and play Wii?"

Oy.

"I need lots and lots of drinks."

(I said that, not the kids.)

Oh where, oh where could they be?

Where, where, where did my babies go? 

Who are these children?  As babies they were so beautiful and cute, but as children they are kind and magnificent and interesting and loving.  (AND beautiful and cute!)

As each year goes by I fall deeper and deeper in love with these two people who have graced us with their presence.

We are so blessed to be their parents. I'm pretty sure my heart WILL explode by the time they are ten.  And that's okay with me.

Just like Darth Vader but without the helmet, cool voice and light saber.

We are starting to fall into a routine here at our new home.  Brian returned to work yesterday, after being home for five days after his most recent business trip, two business trips, really.

I am still trying to figure out how to keep the house clean, maintain the steady stream of laundry, try to work and build our business, try to be a Mom and sometimes, make more than macaroni for dinner...I'm also the landscaper who is trying to grow grass ALL DAY LONG OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I wanted to show you pictures of the trees we purchased for James and Jake.  They are called Lollipop Crabapples and I adore them. (side note: I do intend to tell you the story about the "person" who sold the trees to me, I just have to be a in really good mood and have a lot of time.)  They grow so wonderful and dense and in the spring they have beautiful white blossoms and in the winter they have tiny little crabapples that feed the birds.  It's the perfect tree.  In my opinion, of course.  (side note: this is one of the trees from the front yard, there is a second one straight back from this one, in the backyard.  side note #2:  I do intend to give you a full garden tour, but it will have to wait until I buy mulch, have it delivered and actually add it to the flower beds, which could be 2011.)

This morning, while outside watering my tomato plant sitting on my deck, I looked over at one of the trees and I could see from far away that japanese beetles were eating my tree.  I could see the little black, copper and green bastards and the damage they had already done to my precious tree.  I knew that if they were doing this to one tree, they were doing it to the other. 

I felt overly protective of my trees, like they were messing with my children.

It was time to kick some beetle ass.

I went into the garage and grabbed my ammunition, attached it to the hose and doused each tree for waaaaay too long, but I wanted to make sure I got every leaf, every twig wet.  I did this with both trees, I felt like I was doing kung fu with the little bastards, in my mind I was Danny Larusso, (sidenote: did you know Ralph Macchio is forty-seven?) karate chopping them and kicking them in the gut, "hi-ya!" "Take that, you bitchass beetle." I was screaming profanities in my mind.   

Or maybe out loud.  I'm not really sure.  While spraying the tree I was also battling the beetles that were flying towards me, dodging their stealth like flights.  I think they were aiming for my eyes, trying to take me out so I would leave their new lunch room alone. But, within minutes they began to fall to the ground like drops of rain falling from a tree after a rainstorm. 

It was beautiful.

I then started to think about what I must have looked like to my neighbors, attacking my trees like some sort of lunatic tree fighter, some may not have seen me and some may think I'm crazy, and some may understand.

One thing is for sure, if they didn't think I was crazy while fighting the beetles, they certainly thought I was crazy after my kids played outside with bike helmets on.

For hours.

At least for three weeks they thought we were normal.  Longer than the last house we were in.

Our Home

If all goes as planned, then tonight will be the last night in our home.

Our home.  It is truly our home.  It's warm, inviting, cozy and filled with love.  This weekend I have walked within these walls thinking about all that we have seen and felt and experienced here.  The love, the kisses, both of our children learning to talk and walk and play.  The memories are so sweet.  The memories are so vivid.  After tomorrow, memories will be all we have.

Except sometimes, those memories don't feel like such a small thing.  They are so sweet, they are sometimes bitter, they are sometimes heartbreaking, but through it all we have experienced it all as a family. 

This home was my protector after James and Jake died.  It was the only place where I felt secure and certain.  Every time I walked outside this home after losing them, I felt so alone in this big world, so unsafe, unsure of what will happen, but upon returning through the front door, the not so certain became certain again, I was comfortable in my grief, if that's even a possibility.  I feel gratitude towards this home, I want to hug and thank it for being there for us, through it all, I want to sit and share memories with it over coffee, we'd swap stories remembering the time Brian threw up on the bedroom wall or the time I burned my arm on the oven.  And the good, the moment Racecar came home from the hospital, Ariel's first day of school, or on Christmas day when we told Ariel and Racecar that we were going to be adding to our family by two this summer.

If I could, I'd thank our home for being gentle with me on the days I would wake up and realize my babies had died, I would wake up hopeful it was just a bad dream, but no, it was painfully real when I realized my belly and my heart were empty.

This house is so beautiful.  And so are the memories.

I'll miss our neighbors, who are quiet, friendly and they respect our privacy and our space but would do anything for us.  I'll miss the many varieties of flowers that we planted that came back every year without fail, and yet every year I was in awe of their beauty.

I'll miss the trees in our backyard that are the home to the birds singing their beautiful songs.  I will miss it all.

I say good bye to this house, with sadness, but no regrets.  It is time to move on, to create new memories in a new home, a new adventure.  We are parting with such sweet sorrow, but we are definitely looking forward to tomorrow.

Random & Miscellaneous

-First, I blogged over here today. 

-Second, I have been watching a lot of old episodes of Friends, does anyone else find it creepy that Ross had a monkey?

-Thirdly, I've been watching some Jon & Kate Plus Eight, and don't get me wrong but there is something about that show that is bothering me to the point where I can hardly watch it anymore.  Why won't she let her kids use the bathroom like on a toilet rather than in a potty bucket in the mud room?  It's like her children are cats and that's where she keeps the litter boxes.  Did you see the episode where Jon had the hair transplant in LA and Jody and I think Kate's brother (??) stayed at their house to watch the kids and he has to empty their pee buckets out every night and he talks about how disgusting it is?  Between the hair transplant and the pee and whatnot, my stomach was turning.

Whenever I watched Jon & Kate Plus Eight, I always felt like a wimpy loser because here she is with eighty-sixty gajillion kids and her house was still clean.  And here I have two kids and I haven't cleaned my bathrooms in two weeks, but I came to the realization that she knows when tTLC is coming to film episodes and she cleans like a mad woman (probably with help) to put her house in tip top shape before the crew arrives.  Am I right or am I right?  Well, at least that makes me feel better, anyway.

-Fourthy, regarding my dress for the wedding this Saturday...I am dressless. 

-Fifthly, do the words random & miscellaneous mean the same thing?

-Sixthly, did you know fifthly and sixthly are actual words?  I didn't either.

-Seventhly, (seventhly is not a word, apparently) I had a dream last night that I was pregnant.  In my dream my doctor was doing an ultrasound and she said "you sure have a lot of boys in your life."  Because I was having a boy and I was also having twins except on them vanished and he was a boy, too.  In my dream, I laid in bed after that and felt that beautiful movement of a moving baby, I pictured James and Jake in my belly moving and kicking me with their perfect arms and legs.  In my dreams I love that baby so much.  I have felt pregnant all day.

-Eighthly, did you know I still have not answered all of the questions you all asked me back in March?  What's up with that?

-And finally, we are scheduled to close on both houses on June 30th.  Have I mentioned that Brian is going out of town for work this Sunday and won't be back until June 27th??????

What I'm Not

This is really hard for me, because I know that this post will affect so many people on a personal level, but it's weighing heavily on my mind.  And in my heart.

Everybody is pregnant.  Every where I turn, I see weekly updates and belly shots and countdowns and kick counts and preparation.  

It's everywhere.  And back when I was pregnant, it was SO FUN to be pregnant with so many people.  But right now?  It's not so fun.  And that does not mean that I hate anyone, because I don't.  It doesn't mean that I'm not excited for my friends and my family, because I am.  It doesn't mean I expect them to not write about or talk about this life growing in side of them, because I don't.  In fact, I know these people care so much about me and I know they think about me with every post written and every word that comes out of their mouth when it comes to pregnancy and they're speaking to me. 

And it doesn't mean that I don't want to see my friends and family who are pregnant, it just means that it hurts.

And I wish it didn't mean that and I wish I could go on with seeing bellies and not having my heart hurt.  But truthfully, those bellies are my reminders of what I'm not, they are reminders of the joy and excitement you feel when you're pregnant. These bellies that I see, that belong to the woman I LOVE are reminders to me of what is gone.

And I feel so weak.  I feel weakness because when I see a belly, my heart drops to my belly.  I feel so weak because I could break down and cry when I hear people discussing baby names or the size of their belly, or oh my God, when people talk about their babies moving inside of them.

And I know, soon, these babies will be born, and I'll see their beautiful eyes and smell their soft skin and my heart will break into a bazillion little pieces because well, you know why.

I know most of you understand, but I know some of you don't.  I also know that these feelings I am having aren't just felt by woman who have lost their babies in the middle of their pregnancies.  Woman who can't get pregnant feel this way.  Woman who's child dies from a disease or an accident feel this way.  I realize how much pain some people are feeling and sometimes you know it, but most of the time, it's hidden and we never know.  And THAT breaks my heart that I'm not alone, that there are so many others who hurt.  Who love their friends and families and the little babies that enter our beautiful world, but with each child born, it's another harsh reminder of what is missing in our lives.  What is gone or never was.

How can something so beautiful and miraculous hurt so very bad?

My sister-in-law is due with a boy the day after my due date, we were so excited to be pregnant together, and now, she's preparing to give birth this month and I'm not.  The mere thought of her son makes me want to lay down in bed and stay there for days, and so because of that feeling, I feel guilty for feeling sadness rather than pure joy for my brother and his family, and it's not that I want them to not be pregnant, because I do, I just don't want it to hurt me.

And that is impossible. 

I see my own children and I could cry because I love them so much, and I just want to have that with James and Jake.  And I do, I love them more than I ever thought I could, but it's different because I can't show them my love with hugs and kisses, or look deep into their eyes or watch them sleep.

I wonder, do you take your children for granted?  or the fact that you are able to even conceive or have successful pregnancies?  or that you've never experienced a loss of a child? 

Because what you have, it is a gift, and sometimes, it's the people who have it so good, that have no idea how much they really have.  And I can't imagine how much better and fulfilling their lives would be if they figured that out.

FINE! PICTURES! EXCITEMENT! GEESE!

Okay, I here you loud and clear, you want to see pictures.  And those that do not want to see pictures did not tell me not to, so I'm going to do it. So, if you do not want pictures, then close your eyes while reading this post because instead of showing one picture of the house, I'm going to slam a bazillion pictures in your direction because I do not know what moderation is.

Hence how Racecar was created.  (I kid!) (I think.)  (I don't remember.)  No, I'm pretty sure I'm kidding.

We saw these crazy geese while driving after a thunderstorm yesterday, it was so much fun, truly.  And then it stopped being fun when they just stared at me while honking.  What is with animals staring at me while I'm driving?  At least I didn't throw blueberry muffins at these animals.  Maybe that's why they were staring, they knew I was the crazy blueberry muffin thrower and they were waiting for me to throw the goods at them.

But I didn't.  Instead, I took pictures.

This goose was the cool goose.  The Danny Zuko of the pack.  "what's the matter with me baby? what's the matter with you?"

I love this picture for 65 reasons.  I love it because it's so vivid, but also because I thought of James and Jake when I planted these flowers.  Ariel, Racecar and I planted them and there were two plants of daisies for the one pot, we said one was for James and one for Jake.

Here's Lynette's son.  I could took take pictures of him all day long.

I received this great package from Similac today.  "THANKS, SIMILAC!!!!"  I yell, while waving.  (my middle fingers.)

Hey, I'm classy if nothing else.

Speaking of class, here are Ariel and Racecar.  They had me laughing all morning.  Crazy kids.

And here's our house.  Well, what is supposed to be our house...maybe.  Someday.  We'll see.  (cross your fingers!  say a prayer!)  Four bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, massive kitchen and it looks like coffee and chocolate, two of my favorite things.  It's also a "green" house, which means it has a smaller impact on the environment, and the builder is a certified "Green Builder" which I LOVE.  But  my most favorite thing about this house is that we had picked it out when I was pregnant with James and Jake and we had picked out their room.  And although it makes me sad, it makes me happy that they are apart of this house. 

(don't worry, there will be sod, did I mention it's a new construction??)

Spinning

There is so much going on in my life right now.

First, I blogged over here about Ariel and her important day today.

Second, my new laptop is arriving today, which is so very, very exciting, except I have to create new bookmarks and remember usernames and passwords and I have to switch to Vista  (the horror) but at least there will be constant power flowing into the new laptop, unlike this one sitting on my lap with the cord ghetto-rigged so it doesn't die in the middle of a post.  And did I mention my new laptop is red?

BUT, the BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG news is that we sold our house.  We did.  WE SOLD OUR HOUSE.  Which is so exciting, except we close on June 30th and well, we have no place to live so we have been spending every spare second looking at houses and the problem is that we LOVE two and we don't know what to do.  I would go into further detail, but I can't because it gives me a panic attack and I have to shower and get moving, it's an important day filled with a preschool graduation, a new computer, two jobs, buying a new house and well, a root canal.

I know how to squeeze every last second out of everyday, which is good, because I so desperately need the distraction and well, I have it.  TONS OF IT.

Did I mention we sold our house?  And we have no place to live after June 30th?

Just checking.  But we'll be fine, I know it, because my new laptop is red.

At least they're honest

Just now, before going back to his room for quiet time for me him, Racecar leans over me, while I'm sitting in my chair and says "Hey!  Your belly is getting bigger!"

Yes.  You heard that right, my son noticed my belly is getting better.

Trying not to be offended, I respond "you think so?"

"Yes!  Are the babies back in your belly?"  he asks.

"No they are not." I respond. 

"They are in heaven with God?"  he says.

"Yes."

"Why did God take them?"

"Because they died, honey."

"Why did they die?  Why did God want them?"

At this point in the conversation, I wonder how I am supposed to not say to him, "I have no freaking idea why GOD took my babies from me.  Maybe it's because I called that truck driver an asshole last year, maybe it's to teach me something HUGE AND WONDERFUL AND HOLY, I have no freaking idea."

But c'mon, this boy is four, I can't respond that way and honestly when I do respond, I sound so phony it makes ME sick.  I mean, what am I supposed to say?  Tell him some bullshit story about God wanting them with him and not knowing why and that we should just accept it?  That they are in a better place?  Do I believe that they are in a better place?  HELL.NO.  Sorry.  I don't.

And he says something about his brothers and he puts him arm around my neck and says "I got you, Mama."  Which is what this child says to me when I cry (even though I wasn't crying this time, he knows I do sometimes when discussing James and Jake.)  He says "I got you, Mama."  and he always knows the right time to say it.

Which is why it seems so unfair to him that last week, while taking him to the bathroom in the middle of the night, (something I do before going to bed at night), I picked him up and carried this tired, limp boy in my arms into the bathroom.  I go to set him down and put him directly into the toilet.

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die.

Back to Racecar thinking I'm pregnant.  Wow.  Ouch.  I wonder at what point I'll quit being disgusted with myself and start doing something about it.

Oh and this morning, while trying on a shirt in the dressing with Ariel at Kohl's, I put a shirt on and she says "Mommy, that shirt is so pretty, take off your glasses so you can be pretty, too."

I guess I'll stick to contacts.  And spanx.

Mothers

I approach this Mother's Day in a way that I never knew possible.  I think back to last year when my biggest concern was if Brian was going to offer to take us out to breakfast or would I have to suggest it?

I didn't know how unimportant that really was.

My foundation, my beliefs, my soul have been rocked.  My life flipped upside down and shaken - it's contents flying about.  As a person, a woman, a mother, I'm no longer certain.  I ache.  I realize I am not in control

When I think of James and Jake, I feel their love immensely.  I sense their guidance, although they were with us for such a short time, I would rather have known them a little, than not known them at all.  How does that saying go?  It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

It is so painfully true.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and the day I would have turned thirty weeks pregnant.  It's almost too much for me to be able to handle, I am feeling so much emotion right now.  My sister and I just went to Kohl's and the sight of infant boys summer clothes hanging on a rack with clearance tags nearly brought me to my knees.  I swim in sadness, but somehow, my love for my family and those tiny boys is bigger than anything I could ever imagined.  Somehow, someway, my heart and my life are full, although empty.

Back on February 26, 2008, if I had even imagined what my Mother's Day would have been like, I would have seen myself in the fetal position, crying out, clutching my heart.  I would have wanted to skip over this celebration of Mothers and landed on the day after.

But I can't.   I am here.  Ariel and Racecar are here.  James and Jake are in my heart - where they belong, for the rest of my life.  Although it's not how I want to mother them, just in my heart, it's all I have and I will take all I can get.

It is my hope for you, whether you are expecting your first or your fifth child, whether you are trying to conceive or are adopting, whether your children or your child are in heaven or here on earth, it is my wish that you feel the love that surrounds you on this day.  That you see how special you are.  It is my hope that you comprehend the enormity of being a Mom.  and the miracle growing inside of you, if you are pregnant.  The importance of your role is not only significant in your children's lives and your husband's life, but yours and other mothers. Realize the good.  Accept the difficult.  Embrace the noise, the mess, the tantrums, the diapers, the late nights. 

They will not last forever - now is your time.  Hold it tight, it is so very precious.

Happy Mother's Day.