I Should Be Folding Laundry

Even though it's raining outside.

*updated below*

I know I said I would tell you the story about the trees today, but, OH MY GOSH, today has been amazing.  And it's only 11:22 am.  (and the tree story is difficult for me, so I'll just push that little item to tomorrow's to-do list, k?)

I was on the phone with Christy this morning telling her about everything and she said "you should share this on your blog."

So, I'm going to.  I have to preface everything by saying that I really do not like talking about things that I "get," as in material possessions.  So, if I seem shallow and weak, well, that's okay.

I'm allowed. 

First of all, a couple of things:

1.) I love Seal.  If I could meet anyone, it would be Seal.  I would eat him for dinner, night after night after night.   I would make him dinner, night after night after night.  (which says a lot)  I have loved him since high school and have been devoted ever since.  He's handsome, he's poetic, he's emotional, he's awesome.

In high school, my boyfriend (at the time) and I bought tickets to see him at a huge venue in Chicago.  We got lost on the way there, we were totally late and we were seven miles from the stage. I swear we saw him sing four songs.  I bought a t-shirt and wore it to bed for years.  and stopped when it shrunk.  ahem.

Seal doesn't tour much, I'm not sure why.

2.)  I bought a new camera.  I loved my D40X, but I knew the day would come when I would want a better camera and I knew a day would come when I'd want to learn more about photography and hope that some day I would do it professionally.  I didn't know the day would come less than a year after buying the D40x.  I had many people offer to buy my D40x before I even mentioned buying a better camera.  So, we found a really, really good deal on eBay for the camera I wanted with five lenses, tripods, 16 gb of memory, and TONS of other stuff. We ordered it last Thursday.

3.)  I was planning to join Weight Watchers today, but I hesitated because it's so FREAKIN' EXPENSIVE.  (see #2 if you wonder why that matters...)

4.) Remember when my kitchen flooded one week after moving into our brand new house?  Remember that?  Brian was out of town?  I can remember trying to vacuum up the water into the shop vac and wanting to collapse in defeat, right there into the water, but I also remember thinking, something good has to come out of this.  Well, not only did it flood our ktichen, but our basement, too, and inside our basement were some couches that we had purchased before our current set. 

Okay, so...
Because the flood ruined our couches, we were able to buy a new set thanks to our trusty home insurance.  And it came in yesterday and we LOVE it.

Then, this morning?  My camera came in.  (HOORAY FOR FED EX!)

Then, while I was waiting patiently (read: sitting by it and staring at it) for my camera battery to charge, a commercial came on TV, which is crazy because I NEVER have the TV on in the morning and there was a commercial saying Seal was coming to Northwest Indiana.  I almost had a heart attack right there.  I went to tickmaster.com to see where else he was playing and the only other scheduled performance is in San Diego.  He's playing twice.  Once in San Diego and the other in Northwest Indiana.  The tickets go on sale tomorrow, but what I would give to MEET him.  OH MY GOSH, I feel so silly being so in love with a star, but seriously?  He is it for me.  JUST HIM, nobody else.  Anyway, presale tickets are on sale now, but we need an AMEX to buy them.  SONOFABITCH!

Then I called Christy and spazzed about Seal and saw the mail came.  I told her "if I go to the mailbox and my paycheck came?  It will make the greatest day!"

So, I went out to get the mail and get Ariel off of the bus (in the pouring rain) and my check was in there, along with a postcard from Weight Watchers asking me to come back and offering me 25% off.  What are the chances?!

Days that are overflowing with joy are so special to me.  The excitement I am feeling today is immeasurable, and I appreciate it so much.  More than I ever have before.

I have to go take pictures, pray for good Seal tickets, sit on my new couch and join Weight Watchers.  But first we need to sing and dance with Seal and celebrate this very, very good day.  It's a family affair, we can't wait for Daddy to join us later on.

update! We got the tickets! It's pretty fun being 31 years old and going around and asking folks if they have an Amex, Brian asked a co-worker and viola! WE ARE GOING TO SEE SEAL!! (I may die of a heart attack before then, but that's okay!) And since I wrote this a few hours ago, our broken Wii that we sent to the Wii people, was returned to us this afternoon and it works!  The good day continues.  Well except that the good people at Weight Watchers charged my account three times and they aren't responding to me, but I'll just pretend that's not happening, m'kay? And Seal, if you are reading this, and I'm sure you are, I promise I won't be a crazy person should you want to meet me.  Promise.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes, in a single weekend, I experience, feel and see so much love and beauty, that by the end of the weekend I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open, I can hardly move. 

That is what I call a very, very good weekend.  I am so grateful to have not only experienced what we have this weekend, but also for the pictures that I have to help me remember. 

Mommy's sick, go ask your Dad.

Guess what?  I'm sick.

Which is bad for me because I have 75,000 things to do.

But good for you because I'm actually sitting down and doing nothing.

So, I'll blog.  But it could be bad for you because I'll just sit and complain and I'll probably have all sorts of grammar and spelling errors, so please, forgive.

My throat, ears and head hurt.  My nose is stuffy and my body aches.  Oh and if this wasn't fun enough, I started my period today which hurts.  It sorta feels like my uterus is trying to come out of my butt.    Can you imagine how much fun it is to live with me?  And this Wednesday, Christy is coming to stay with us until Sunday and I can't wait, but the first thing she may have to do is clean and do my laundry.  And I know she would because she loves me.  A lot.

Steph, Crooked Eyebrow and I gathered at a park today.  When approached about the play date this morning I was all like "I can't, I'm sick, my house is a DISASTER, I have laundry to do, shopping to do and somewhere I have to sneak in a shower because I stank."  but then I realized I'm sick and can't do any of those things, so we went to the park with them and it was fun and relaxing.  I love our kids. 

Of course, in two hours we took 5,000 pictures and I want to show them to you, but downloading them means walking the 20 feet to my camera which I can't do because I'm almost dead.

I would ask Brian to get them for me but he has already gone to the bank, Walgreens and Taco Bell for me, and he's only been home for two hours.  Plus, he has tons of Ikea furniture to build.

I need to rest now because watching Brian do all of the work is wearing me out, but I wanted to let you know that ruby & roja has a new website and it's so beautiful.  If you ever wanted to move to Wordpress (which we did), Heather from Desperately Seeking Sanity did the transfer for us and the installation, she has a business called Desperately Seeking Wordpress.  She is beyond awesome, seriously.  Go look at the awesomeness of ruby & roja and guess what?  We are giving away a blog design, too.

Also, one of my posts made it over at Blog Nosh, which is a cool site that select posts from blogger's archives.  The post they chose is from the initial weeks after losing James and Jake.  I'm extra touched by them choosing me because I have a hard time believing that anyone feels my blogging is considered writing at all.  You should head over there. 

I bet you are going to want a chocolate donut or a cupcake when you go.  You'll see why.

A close eye on this heart of mine.

Nine years ago, right now, I was at the salon with my bridesmaids and mother, Brian was golfing with his family.

It was a typical wedding day. 

Do you ever wonder what you would do differently, if given a chance?  I typically don't think of such things, as I do my best not to regret anything or question any decision I ever made in the past.  But this year?  If I could go back in time, I would tell that girl planning her wedding to keep it simple.

Since losing James and Jake, I see pictures of myself years, months, days before losing them.  And I want to cry out "watch out, tread carefully...life will not always feel this good."

I wish I could sit down with myself back when the wedding planning began, I wonder what I would say to myself? 

Just be simple.  Because years from now, life is not going to be simple, it's going to be so difficult you'll cry more tears than you ever did as a child.  And you won't be crying because someone hit you or someone stole your stuffed dog, you'll be crying because your heart will feel the most intense pain and loss you could have ever imagined.  Life will not be simple, it's going to be hard.  You and your future husband will experience what it's like to fight through a marriage, you'll suffer a loss so huge you won't know how to get out of bed each morning, but you will.  Because of him, because of your children.  Because you're you.  The flowers, the cake, the dress, trust me, in the long run, those things do not matter.  What matters is you and him, joining hands forever, facing the future prepared for whatever bumps or valley or roadblocks lay ahead.  You'll be together, arms locked, fingers intertwined.  I hope I have not made you fear your life together, by these warnings of sadness and grief, because there are many peaks, so much love and uncountable blessings.   

Just tread carefully and don't be afraid to love with all of your heart and soul.

On this day, August 7th, 1999, the only thing that matters is what brought you here today, that and the life that lay ahead.

Beauty in Everyone

Listen, I have a secret, but you CAN NOT TELL ANYONE, okay?  come closer...cloooossseerrr still....No, I am NOT pregnant, listen to me....here goes.....we are on the verge of buying our second Wii.

Why?

Because ours is apparently dying.  And while I thought for sure our Wii would last longer than one year, well, I guess we are wrong.  The only reason why I am okay with this is because we have played a good 55,000 hours of Wii in the past year.  Wii Sports no longer works (can you imagine?) and various other games are dying, too.  So, after cleaning and trying to take care of the $50 games, we are thinking the problem is with the Wii.  Which means, Wii have a problem.

Because Racecar?  He loves the Wii, although now he's moved onto playing Super Mario Brothers 1, 2 AND 3 on the Wii and he's very content.  But we need more.  There's only so much of the mario song I can take in a days time and I know many of you are yelling at your computers saying "don't let him play so much wii!!"  and I'm all like "but he loves it and it's so peaceful and I can take naps while he plays...."

Oh, wait.  That is absolutely not true.  I would never nap while my children are awake. 

I mean, I never will again.  After tomorrow.

Anyway, one thing that Racecar (by the way, I'm growing VERY tired of calling my kids Racecar and Ariel, just an fyi, if I start using their real names, it's because I couldn't take it any longer.), where was I?  Oh yes, one thing he likes to do is create new characters.

And I've been wanting to share these scary faces with you for quite some time, but today decided it was finally time, don't be scared, if there is anyone who frightens you, just scroll down and continue, you'll get through.

The best part of these Mii's (pronounced meeeees) is that he LOVES all of these characters, he thinks they're "awesome and cool and handsome."

I disagree, I think they are freaky, but let's see what you think, shall we?

First up, we have scary guy with no mouth and blue eyeshadow.  Racecar likes to add some colors to his Mii's face, no matter if they are male or female, he thinks it looks "awesome and cool and handsome."   This guy actually looks like a computer technician at an electronics store that would make fun of you for asking what a mother board is.  Am I right or am I right?

The next scary guy is a Michael Jackson lookalike, which is....scary, because he's a Michael Jackson lookalike.  You know what's amazing about Michael Jackson?  Is that he can be SUCH A FREAK, carrying around Blanket Michael Jackson, but then he can do a video like Smooth Criminal and actually pull it off.

Oh dear.  This guy is so strange that you don't even notice how strange his name is.

For whatever the reason, this is one of his favorites.  He loves this guy, er, bearded girl.

And here's another favorite of his, this is Dennis Rodman in drag, I do believe.

I'm telling you, I could do this ALL DAY.  ALL DAY!

But I won't because we are going to Ikea.  With the kids.  Where we will spend more time in traffic than at the actual store where we will no doubt get into seventeen fights with each other and the kids and we'll probably come back with nothing.

But it will still be better than sitting at home and looking at these freaky ass people ALL DAY LONG.

I think.

Just like Darth Vader but without the helmet, cool voice and light saber.

We are starting to fall into a routine here at our new home.  Brian returned to work yesterday, after being home for five days after his most recent business trip, two business trips, really.

I am still trying to figure out how to keep the house clean, maintain the steady stream of laundry, try to work and build our business, try to be a Mom and sometimes, make more than macaroni for dinner...I'm also the landscaper who is trying to grow grass ALL DAY LONG OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I wanted to show you pictures of the trees we purchased for James and Jake.  They are called Lollipop Crabapples and I adore them. (side note: I do intend to tell you the story about the "person" who sold the trees to me, I just have to be a in really good mood and have a lot of time.)  They grow so wonderful and dense and in the spring they have beautiful white blossoms and in the winter they have tiny little crabapples that feed the birds.  It's the perfect tree.  In my opinion, of course.  (side note: this is one of the trees from the front yard, there is a second one straight back from this one, in the backyard.  side note #2:  I do intend to give you a full garden tour, but it will have to wait until I buy mulch, have it delivered and actually add it to the flower beds, which could be 2011.)

This morning, while outside watering my tomato plant sitting on my deck, I looked over at one of the trees and I could see from far away that japanese beetles were eating my tree.  I could see the little black, copper and green bastards and the damage they had already done to my precious tree.  I knew that if they were doing this to one tree, they were doing it to the other. 

I felt overly protective of my trees, like they were messing with my children.

It was time to kick some beetle ass.

I went into the garage and grabbed my ammunition, attached it to the hose and doused each tree for waaaaay too long, but I wanted to make sure I got every leaf, every twig wet.  I did this with both trees, I felt like I was doing kung fu with the little bastards, in my mind I was Danny Larusso, (sidenote: did you know Ralph Macchio is forty-seven?) karate chopping them and kicking them in the gut, "hi-ya!" "Take that, you bitchass beetle." I was screaming profanities in my mind.   

Or maybe out loud.  I'm not really sure.  While spraying the tree I was also battling the beetles that were flying towards me, dodging their stealth like flights.  I think they were aiming for my eyes, trying to take me out so I would leave their new lunch room alone. But, within minutes they began to fall to the ground like drops of rain falling from a tree after a rainstorm. 

It was beautiful.

I then started to think about what I must have looked like to my neighbors, attacking my trees like some sort of lunatic tree fighter, some may not have seen me and some may think I'm crazy, and some may understand.

One thing is for sure, if they didn't think I was crazy while fighting the beetles, they certainly thought I was crazy after my kids played outside with bike helmets on.

For hours.

At least for three weeks they thought we were normal.  Longer than the last house we were in.

Her Soldier *updated*

Here's a note from Teresa to all of you.  (by the way...you, readers?  You are incredible.)

Wow.  I am truly overwhelmed by the responses to my story!  I want to thank each and every one of you for writing and sending your well-wishes and prayers our way.  I have to tell you that the more people I have to pray for my soldier the more secure I feel! He called in the wee hours last night and things are going well so far.  He should be sending me an address soon and to those of you who asked for it to send him a care package, I will be happy to pass it on.  This has truly been a remarkable experience for me and I appreciate all of your support and kindness.  What a wonderful group of women I had the privilege to hear from!  Again, thank you, thank you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I have a very special guest writer today.  Her name is Teresa.  She is my sister-in-law, her husband, my brother, Dan, left for Iraq two days ago.  I asked her to write for this blog, her thoughts and emotions as a way to share with all of us, just exactly what it's like to watch your spouse be deployed into a war zone.  Not one time, not two, but three times.  She sent this to me in the wee hours of the morning this morning and today, I opened up my laptop, at Panera and began to read, and I cried.  This is one of the most amazing, emotional, heart breaking things I have ever read.  I ask that you please show your support for both Teresa and Dan in the comments, they both check my blog regular and Dan is due to guest post sometime soon.  Thank you, Teresa.

I have survived day one and almost day two now without my soldier.  I say survived because that's exactly what it is.  Emotions are a heavy thing. The hard ones can eat you up if you let them. The night before he left I was actually patting myself on the back pretty much all day because I had kept it together. I even thought this time might be a little easier since I seemed to be getting through the day with smiles and no tears. The whole family went out together: Dada, Nommy, Ga, Ehtu and T-Monkey. (those are the names my 23 month old has given all of us in the house- and yes, she is the monkey!) Anyway, we all got through dinner with laughter and TONS of food and even a few happy pictures.  The last time he deployed none of us could eat or be in the same room together without crying. So, I thought this was great- piece of cake, right? 

Everything was going great until it was time to put the kids to bed. Since Dan had to be in at 4 in the morning for his weapons draw and itinerary check, we thought it would be best to let the kids stay up a little late and then stay in bed and sleep while I took him to the unit. We have this routine with T-monkey where we put on her music, give her a ba-ba while we rock her and then put her in the crib.  She's our last baby so give me a break about the bottle thing, ok?  Anyway, Dan took this shift since it would be the last time he would see and hold her for a good 8 months. And that's when it hit me.  Like a freakin' freight train. I lost it.  All control over tears and emotions just flew out of my Colorado windows.  All I could think about was how much he loves that little girl and lets her get away with anything and everything because she is his baby girl. 

I remember when I got pregnant with her- 9 years after my middle child- and he hoped and wished that it would be a girl because we had two boys already and that she would look just like me.  Well, he got exactly that - it's like he special ordered her from God!  And since then, she has been in control of his heart and I love it.  I kept thinking about how hard it's going to be for him to not wake up to her bright, curly-headed smiling face and her 'hi, dada' in the morning.  How she won't really understand why she doesn't see dada when she gets out of bed in the morning and why he hasn't appeared for dinner. How she won't understand that when she asks for dada he can't come to her and pick her up and save the day.  My heart is breaking and the tears are here again.

Then, it was the boys turn. They had kept it together really well for the past couple of days.  They are 14 and 11 and handsome and wonderful boys. They mow the lawn for me and do the dishes after dinner and crawl in bed with me for 30 minutes at night before they climb in their own beds just to hang out.  They are my saving grace.  We took them bowling, and Dan took them to the movies - just the guys- the day before. Dad even made their favorite ribs on the grill a couple nights before even though he really didn't have time. But that would be the last set of ribs to be made for about 8 months.  Lord knows I don't know how to make those things or even have the patience to mess with consistent heat on the grill!  It was time for lights out for them as well and I don't know if any of you know this but as a mother of little men, the hardest thing to see is your not- so -little boys trying to be brave and not cry for dad. In the end they couldn't hold it in.  They are veterans of this deployment thing. They have been through this 3 times before, really remembering at least 2 of them. This man of mine is their one and only hero.  They look up to him and think he is the best thing since sliced bread. They can't get enough of him. And now they are left with just me- to be the Dad and the Mom. To throw the football and play Wii with. (I have to admit I actually love the Wii!)

And I have to be strong and tough so they don't worry about me too.  They have enough to worry about.  I just pray that my lines of communication are open enough to them so that they can talk to me about anything, even embarrassing boy stuff that only Dad can hear about.  They only cried for a little while since they were so tired from staying up late.  My plan worked, a little.  I couldn't turn the water works off- I tried to go in my bathroom and look myself in the mirror and say "stop it, now. He needs you to be strong and happy.  You don't want him to think of you like this.. puffy eyed, red nosed, and absolutely hideous from all these tears. They can wait until tomorrow."  But I just couldn't do it.  It was my strong, handsome husband who found me and was strong for me. Holding me and telling me he'd be home before I knew it. That everything would be ok, just let it out and don't hold it in on his account. Superman, I tell ya.

We packed for the rest of the night trying to make sure he had everything he needed to get by at least until I could send him more. We had this whole romantic night planned but it just didn't happen.  I won't think about that though because originally he was supposed to have left on our anniversary and then his flight was pushed back.  That was really our night.  It was perfect and I felt so blessed that we were able to have one more anniversary together. That's the memory of us that I want to hold on to.

It was finally 3:30 in the morning and time to load the van and make that 25 minute trip to the Fort. It was silent. We held hands, tightly. Those damn tears just wouldn't stop. We promised each other no regrets. He kept insisting that everything was going to be just fine. If only I could tap into some of that incredible strength of his. 

When we get there it's sooo dark and sooo reminiscent of the first time he left when the war was just starting.  Back then he was a company commander and all of his 100 soldiers and their families were bustling about, getting their gear loaded, tons of pictures being taken.  All the guys were upbeat and ready to go and do what they had been training for ever since they first signed up. He was busy checking all the blocks on the list making sure he was ready to lead these men to the best of his ability.  It something right out of a movie.  This time, there would be only one other family there. A woman with her two small daughters dressed in jammies and wrapped in princess blankets. Her soldier, returning yet again just like mine.  Her soldier with the signs of war on his face, just like mine. Her situation just like mine, a single mom again. The signs of another deployment on her face, just like mine. We  understood each other without even having to say a word. I love the Army wife bond.  It's an incredible thing.

He has always made me laugh and this morning was no different- he was still being funny and putting a smile on my face. They drew their weapons and it was time to load the van. I had Dan walk me to the car cause the thought of seeing him get in the Army van and drive away was just more than I could handle. I missed him already and he was holding me in his arms.  I kissed his beautiful face and promised him I would take care of his babies. He promised me he would be safe and would be home soon. I pray for that.

I cried for the first 10 minutes on the trip home. I called my sister, and she comforted me enough that the tears subsided. I was doing ok, tired but ok until I pulled into our driveway by myself. Entered our home, by myself. Crawled into our bed, by myself. The loneliness punched me in the gut. I cried some more until I fell asleep. 

It's been 48 hours now since he left. He's already called to tell us that he's safely in Kuwait and is waiting for the next flight to Baghdad. I've been trying to clean the house and stay busy because the minutes are dragging by. I'm pretty stoked about the 2 days being behind us already. I've already sent him a picture of his baby girl of his two favorite things- her hair right after a bath and her playing in her Elmo t-shirt. I might be ready to walk out the front door tomorrow. I usually lay low for the first few days in fear of showing emotion in public especially in front of new neighbors. No promises. I did take the kids out in the back yard tonight to play so I feelthat's a good start. I don;t want anyone to feel sorry for us. We'll make it through this- just like we have in the past. Just well wishes and prayers will do.

And just a little side note, if you ever have the opportunity to support the U.S.O. please do so. While in Dallas, they showed our soldiers kindness, gave them free food and drinks and let them use cell phones while they waited for their flight.  It's a terrific organization. Oh, and if you ever see a soldier in uniform, don't be afraid to walk right up to them and shake their hand and thank them for their service.  It means more than you could ever know.

Manic Monday

I'll start out with some pictures for you, how's that sound?  My entire family is in town and I just love that.  My brothers decided this was a good time to take down my parents roof and re-do it because they're are awesome like that.  The whole family is pitching in.  Even me, I even wore work clothes and cut down branches off a tree, and moved shingles and swept insulation and put together things with nuts and bolts and washers and stuff.  (Stuff being an official building term, of course.)  In the meantime, Ariel and Racecar are very happy playing with their cousins.  And Brian?  Well, he's in Massachusetts.

So, here are some pictures from the wedding and the roof project:

First, here's a picture from the wedding of me with the best man.

And here's one with the happy couple.  And they're so in love it makes my stomach turn a little.  In a nice kinda way.

And my brother-in-law found this toad yesterday, he was working it for the camera. (the toad, not my brother-in-law)

Here are the worker bees who worked non stop all day and all night and at least one of my brothers is staying all week long and this is what he'll be doing, all week long.

They finished up last night at about 11:20. 

So, you may or may not notice, but this week my posting will  be very, very light, between my family being in town, packing up my house for our move which is two weeks away, being a single mom for two weeks, work and laundry and work and laundry and mowing the lawn and eating bug bites and ice cream, I won't be around as much as usual.  But soon, (as in, say, August) I'll be around a lot more!

Now to the winner!

Oh man, this was a fun contest wasn't it?  I loved reading everyone's favorite songs.   I noticed a lot of Johnny Cash, (who I love) and a lot of country music, too.  But what I loved was seeing how almost all of the songs brought back some sort of memory for some of you and then you shared that with me, so this contest was very, very fun.

But the winner?  She's one lucky girl, her name is Amy (with a last name that starts with s), she does not have a blog and she has a hotmail e-mail address (I e-mailed you Amy!).  Congratulations, Amy!  Just give me your address and I'll get this bad boy right out to you.

Check back later this week for a very green giveaway.

The wedding...and not announcing the winner.

It just dawned on me that I never chose a winner for the Zune giveaway.  What's up with that?  But I can't do it, yet, because I am still reading through the comments and then I'll choose the winner and I won't be choosing the winner based on the answer, I'll be choosing the winner randomly.  I just love reading all of your favorite songs and why you love them.

The wedding went well, despite the bride losing her keys and running late by thirty minutes, my feet having FOUR blisters before the wedding even started and a man riding a motorcycle getting hit by a car at the wedding site.  After I watched his body flying and then hitting the road, I  ran towards him while calling 911 and that's probably where I developed the awesome blisters.

Don't worry, the man was fine, (well, fine as in maybe some broken bones??? I actually have no idea how's he's doing, but I think he's fine.) probably because he was wearing a helmet.

So, now we are off for family fun while eating Dunkin' Donuts.

The winner will  be announced tomorrow.

Happy Father's Day.

Chapters

Five years ago tomorrow, I was in a strapless purple dress, my hair was shorter and brown.  I was a new Mommy to Ariel, who was just a little baby, maybe four months old, and I had a tiny little baby inside of me, but it was a secret, very few people knew.

The wedding was outside and it was fabulous, not a cloud in the sky, pure sunshine, not too hot and no humidity.  I was the bride's matron of honor.

Since then, so much has changed, so much, in fact, that I started to list all of the changes right here on this post and I just had to stop because there is too much too list.  Most things I am grateful for, some things I can not understand and others, just break my heart.

Tomorrow, exactly five years to the day, I'll be in a wedding, as a matron of honor at the exact same place.  Oh and I'll be wearing purple.

But this purple?  Is deeper and more vivid, it's strong and makes me feel confident.  I've been reflecting on my life so much these past few months, I smile at the happy things and I cry at the heart breaking things, but there are no regrets.

Tomorrow I need to break free of my own sorrow that sometimes swallows me whole, even in the most joyous occasions, If I cry, I want it to be out of happiness for my niece, if I laugh I want it to be pure and without darkness.  And in those quiet moments, if there are any, I want to feel James.   I want to feel Jake.  but I do not want to feel sadness, I'm not sure that is possible as I'm thinking those three things go hand in hand with each other.

All of my brothers and sisters will be in town and I can't wait and I already dread their departure.  But the last time I saw them was the weekend of James and Jake's memorial service and so now when I think of being together that is what I think of, after making memories with these siblings of mine for 31 years, my thoughts turn to the last time I saw them and it scares me and makes me sad and I'm so scared of going to "that place."

But there is nothing I can do, I guess, except to love my family, feel the sunshine, savor these sweet moments that also make up our lives.

Life and all it has to offer, the good, the bad, keeps me on my toes.  This life has made me deeper, more vivid, stronger and more confidant.  And even though tomorrow scares me, the next chapter of my life, well, most of it anyway, does not.