I Should Be Folding Laundry

FINE! PICTURES! EXCITEMENT! GEESE!

Okay, I here you loud and clear, you want to see pictures.  And those that do not want to see pictures did not tell me not to, so I'm going to do it. So, if you do not want pictures, then close your eyes while reading this post because instead of showing one picture of the house, I'm going to slam a bazillion pictures in your direction because I do not know what moderation is.

Hence how Racecar was created.  (I kid!) (I think.)  (I don't remember.)  No, I'm pretty sure I'm kidding.

We saw these crazy geese while driving after a thunderstorm yesterday, it was so much fun, truly.  And then it stopped being fun when they just stared at me while honking.  What is with animals staring at me while I'm driving?  At least I didn't throw blueberry muffins at these animals.  Maybe that's why they were staring, they knew I was the crazy blueberry muffin thrower and they were waiting for me to throw the goods at them.

But I didn't.  Instead, I took pictures.

This goose was the cool goose.  The Danny Zuko of the pack.  "what's the matter with me baby? what's the matter with you?"

I love this picture for 65 reasons.  I love it because it's so vivid, but also because I thought of James and Jake when I planted these flowers.  Ariel, Racecar and I planted them and there were two plants of daisies for the one pot, we said one was for James and one for Jake.

Here's Lynette's son.  I could took take pictures of him all day long.

I received this great package from Similac today.  "THANKS, SIMILAC!!!!"  I yell, while waving.  (my middle fingers.)

Hey, I'm classy if nothing else.

Speaking of class, here are Ariel and Racecar.  They had me laughing all morning.  Crazy kids.

And here's our house.  Well, what is supposed to be our house...maybe.  Someday.  We'll see.  (cross your fingers!  say a prayer!)  Four bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, massive kitchen and it looks like coffee and chocolate, two of my favorite things.  It's also a "green" house, which means it has a smaller impact on the environment, and the builder is a certified "Green Builder" which I LOVE.  But  my most favorite thing about this house is that we had picked it out when I was pregnant with James and Jake and we had picked out their room.  And although it makes me sad, it makes me happy that they are apart of this house. 

(don't worry, there will be sod, did I mention it's a new construction??)

Sharing

It's Monday, June 2nd. 

It's June.  The only month I dread more than I dread June is July.  Which is next.

Somehow I have to pretend that the twins probably would not have been born THIS month.  I also need to pretend that I would not have already had a baby shower.  And I can pretend that my heart isn't breaking, while I'm at it.

So, to help me pretend, I thought I'd share some random pictures with you, it's been awhile since I've shared pictures with you and well, I think today is a pretty good day to do it.  Oh and I also think that June may not be as bad as I had thought it would be, good things have been happening, so I'll hold tight onto those things and try not to look back.

Here are some interesting tree photos that I took while walking with my little family two weeks ago - things in nature become much more interesting when you are looking for good shots.  You notice so much more.

Doesn't this tree resemble elephant legs?

What's that?  You are tired of trees?  You have your own trees to look at?  Fine, look at my bedroom, this is what it looked like last Thursday night and it grew increasingly worse until last night when I finally broke down and cleaned it.  And yes, I make my bed every single day no matter what.  It's a favorite habit of mine.  Well, that and never leaving dirty dishes in the sink.  So, the sink is clean and the bed is made but the rest of the house is a disaster.  Works for me.

I love taking pictures of barns.  My dream is to spend an entire day taking pictures of old barns in Indiana.  I love the colors and the textures and all of the history each one holds.  This one is about 3 minutes from my house. 

This is my dying computer.  See the fabric in the back?  That is what keeps my computer from dying, it holds the cord in such a way that my laptop won't die.  This morning I thought it was the end, I tried to wake her up and she didn't respond.  Then I touched her and she was so cold.  But, I revived her and now she's on life support, which means a pair of Racecar's pajamas are keeping it alive.  But never fear, I ordered a new Dell about 3 weeks ago and it supposed to arrive this Wednesday.  (FINALLY!)  By the way, it's a laptop and it's red which equals AWESOME.

Oh and those are my cheerios and Racecar just took a bite of my cheerios because apparently they are better than his.

Here's milk he spilled when he took a bite of my cheerios.  I wish all of his spills were this pleasant to look at:

And here is a dog.  This dog is so hungry and sad.  The only food I had with me when I saw him were blueberry muffins and I threw them at him, but I guess he doesn't like blueberry muffins because he just stared at my like this:

So, that's it.  My pictures.  I hope you enjoyed it. Oh wait!  I forgot to show you what my sister got me for Mother's Day - I love that it's called Two Together, but I also love that it says Love in Abundance.  Because I do, even with a broken heart, I love in abundance
.

Remembering

There is a war going on.  It is not in our backyards, it is not where we can see it, hear it, smell it, touch it.  But we can feel it.  We should we feel it.

This war, whether we like it or not, continues on while we read blogs, write posts, eat watermelon on a sunny day and laugh with our children.

Thousands of men and women, RIGHT NOW, are in a desert, with their military families by their sides, risking their lives for their country and for the citizens of Iraq.   Over 3,000 soldiers have been killed in Iraq.  That is JUST in the Iraq war.  I hope you take time today to remember the soldiers who have given their lives, who have been wounded, or who have served in their lifetime.  I hope you hang a flag in support for the husbands, wives, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts. 

You may not support the war, but I hope you truly support the soldiers.

On July 1, 2008, my brother, an Army Major, an Army Ranger, a Purple Heart and Silver Star recipient, a father of three, a loving husband, a thoughtful son, an awesome brother, will be deployed to Iraq.  For the THIRD time. 

I am fearful.  I am angry.  I am worried.  I am saddened that we as a family we will have to face his deployment once again.

I am saddened knowing how badly he wishes he could stay in the United States with his family.  Dan has narrowly escaped his own death in the past, I can't imagine what he must be feeling knowing he'll have to go back to fight this war.

I am angry.

But I am also proud.  So proud of him and every soldier who reports for duty either in Iraq, Afghanistan or right here in the United States, just like my other brother, Dan's identical twin, Dave.  I think about how often we, as humans, dread going into to work for the day, or we dread walking into the grocery store on a busy Friday afternoon, or we dread cleaning the toilets at our own home.  And then I think of my brothers.  And my thinking is readjusted.   I think of every soldier and each of their families on a daily basis knowing that their life is so hard and faces more challenges in a week, then some of us in a lifetime.

I realize how good I have it.  Thanks to our American soldiers.

Today & always, I remember.  I hope you do, too.

Thank you, Dan and Dave.  (Thank you, Dimi.)

If you have a family member or a friend who is a member of the military, I want you tell me about them in my comments, I'd love to learn about the them. 

Perhaps tomorrow I'll do the opposite

Last night my niece called me to tell me that she and her boyfriend were getting married.

June 14th, (2008) she says.  I run the date through my mind and realize that it's a great date!  "okay, we'll be there."

Then she says "will you be my maid of honor?"

Blushing I reply "Can I wear jeans?"

To which she replies with "hahahahahaheeeheeeheeehoooohoooo."

She laughed, which either means:

"um, of course, you can wears jeans, a graphic tee, your running shoes and a pony tail, it will be like a graduation party, except its a wedding."

or it means "um, no."

I'm guessing her laughter meant no, so I realized very quickly that not wearing jeans equals wearing a dress which equals freaking out about my weight.

So, last night I decide that Tuesday marks the day where I stop eating my favorite snacks, it's time to buckle down and lose the remaining pregnancy weight that I have and feel good about myself.

I woke up this morning and I had started my period and since then I have eaten Honey Nut Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, three hershey bar squares, 18 Bug Bites, 15 chocolately chip Teddy Grahams, Sun Chips and Macaroni and Cheese.

and it's only 12:12 p.m.

I'm off to a great start.  Perhaps I can change her mind about the jeans.

Oh, look!  Lunchtime!

Oh my. *UPDATED*

I bought something today.  Something I have been eyeballing months, but I always put it back on the shelf after smelling it and counting how many were left on the department store shelf.

I used to LOVE to shop, but after losing James and Jake, that desire hasn't been there.  Sure I have purchased things.  Like jeans.  And graphic tees. Deoderant, Teddy Grahams.  But I haven't really shopped. 

Maybe it's because the sun was shining today and it was seventy degrees, maybe it's because I started the morning out in a restaurant having the most pleasant breakfast with Ariel and Racecar and Brian.  Today we celebrated my Mother's Day because Sunday last Sunday was too painful, it wasn't right.  Maybe it's because my house is clean, thanks to having five showings over the course of five days.  Maybe it's because our business has surpassed anything we could have ever imagined.

Maybe it's because of you.   I feel your love and your support and it means SO much to me that I feel a little lighter.  a little breezy.  Whatever it was, it felt right.

And I bought it. 

And I just had to show you, my friends.  Isn't she divine?

And I have something for you.  A giveaway on Monday. 
I'll give you a hint.
GO HERE.

**For those who have asked, I purchased this purse at Macy's and it's made by Fossil.  They have all sorts of fun, summery patterns.  Here's a direct link to the handbag.  And if anyone feels like buying me a birthday present, I'll take the matching wallet or this handbag.  or these flip flops.  See how helpful I am?  I'm all about helping out. But I have to stop looking at The Macy's website, it's making Brian very, very nervous.  He's starting to sweat.  A lot.**

The Perfect Day

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.

I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000.  Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot.  (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 - you can still donate.  Something tells me we'll hit $11,000.)

The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team. 

As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day.  My heart started to melt seeing these people.

I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause.  I am in awe of Stacie.

Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on.  These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it.  Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat.  Thank you, Amy - my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us.  I think you are awesome.

The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk.  Pride & disbelief is what felt. 

Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place.  Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies.  Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.

The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker.  Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons.  I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake.  I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.

We started off the walk - Team James and Jake in our shirts - we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul.  But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.

As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane.  I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses.  I thought about all of you - I walked for you, too.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done.  I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that's what we set out to do.  As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can't and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them.  And I will walk for them again.

Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake.  It was the perfect day.

It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 - the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald's gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts - I know we are loved and I thank you for it.  We feel your love.  I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.

The tears may be flowing, but so is the love.  The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.

Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow's flickr page.)

Starting the walk.  (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)

Left to right - my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece's boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)

 

So much to do, so little time.

Do the laundry.
Pack my clothes and a thousand pairs of shoes for the trip. (would you believe I tried on MORE jeans last night and bought another pair.  I have issues.)
Fold Brian's clothes - since he tends to roll his clothes, rather than fold his clothes.
Pack the kids for the four night stay at Grandma's.  (They could not be more excited.)
Clean my house for showings while we are gone.   (Which may or may not happen.)
Try to go shopping to find the perfect jacket or sweater.  (Why is it so hard to find this article of clothing?)
Finish watching Idol from last night.  (who do you think is going home?)
Exercise.  (I must win the challenge.)
Drink tons and tons of coffee.  (thanks, McDonald's.)
Spend time with my kids.  (The most important thing on my to-do list.)

Time for me to close my computer for a few hours and get to work and love on my kids.  I have blogged here today.

Thank you to everyone for your help with things to do in L.A., we have extended our rental car from one day to two and a half days, so we'll have more flexibility with our agenda.  I am very excited to see California.  We have not sat down and planned every detail, but I do know that having a burger at In n' Out is on the itinerary.  (You don't have to tell me twice to eat a burger.) 

I will be blogging while I am away, since I'll have time alone and I will be taking seventy million pictures.  And you must sit with me and look at every picture - it's what good friends do.

For those that I promised postcards to, I have your addresses handy in my laptop. (if you would like me to send you a postcard, e-mail me your address.)

Wish me luck or come and help me, whichever you prefer.

Random things about me

In an effort to "repay" you for the many, many random thoughts and pieces of information you have all left for me on this post, I thought I would do the same for you.

So, I write this post, a post listing random things about me, as a distraction, a reminder of other things that are going on in my life, other things that have happened in my life.  Thank you to all of you who have left comments here, I do hope you continue.  If you haven't left one, please do, I'd love to hear from you. 

Here you go:

-Last night I had a dream about two girls that used to live in our neighborhood growing up.  They did not have any siblings, I could never understand what that must be like, not having any brothers or sisters.  But now I wonder if it was decision their parents made or if they could not have other children.  When I was younger I was oblivious to the fact that people could not have children.  I think I dreamed of the two girls because one of them sent me a card when she learned of James and Jake.  I hadn't heard from her since high school.  If you ever learn that an old friend of yours has lost a loved one, send them a card, no matter how long it's been, your thoughtfulness will mean the world to the person.  I guarantee it.

-When I was a senior in high school, I was the editor of my school newspaper.

-Last May a tornado hit our area.  I was home alone with the kids, they were napping and it was all I could to run into their rooms and grab them out their beds and run down to the basement.  They were scared, I was scared.  I remember shaking for hours.  Thankfully, we were safe.  Now, anytime there is a storm, I completely prepare for the worst, I have shoes ready, my cell phone ready and water ready.

-I love summer.  Hot, beautiful, sunny, green, glorious summer. 

-I don't think I'm supposed to live in the Midwest.  I dream of moving to a place that is warm year round.

-I often find myself watching Will & Grace and Friends reruns on my TV in my bedroom before bed.  I love it.

-This is my 701st post.

-I love taking pictures.  If I could choose a profession right now, I would choose to be a photographer.  One of my favorite non-people pictures that I have taken is this one:

and I love the textures in this picture:

-Brian and I used to play hours and hours of Unreal Tournament on our computers before having children.  We'd spend hours into the night shooting and sniping and killing each other.  It was awesome.   We invited many people to play with us, almost all of them became addicted, too.  I played last year, after that I had a nightmare about death.  I haven't played since.

-In August of 2001, Brian told me he was ready to have children, we were at a Cubs game.  I never knew if I was ready or not, I just left it in his hands knowing that when he was ready, I would be ready.  We started trying the following month and I got pregnant in May of 2002.

-I got pregnant again in May of 2003.  Ariel and Racecar are 360 days apart, I love that.  So much.

-Brian and I honeymooned in Barbados.  It took us all day to get there, when we finally arrived I cried because I missed my family.  I've been romantic ever since.

-My highest weight was 220 or 226, I can't remember.  I now weigh five pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with the twins.  My weight today is 169. 

-I usually love food, but right now I don't care about it.

-I believe the reason I started blogging was so I could journal about dealing with the loss of James and Jake, I started blogging in January of 2006 to keep in touch with my friends who lived across the country.  One of my favorite comments was by a reader named Josh, who agrees with my belief, this is what he wrote:  You know, the inspiration to create this blog to share your happy, fun times, when sadness wasn't present, was a miracle from God. God is truly wonderful. He provides the healing before the sickness even strikes. This cathartic potential has been present all along, and it's only now sadly reaching its true creation's purpose. It's so very true.

Some of the comments left here are the most beautiful things I have ever read.

-I have many friends who do not know about my blog. 

-These are some of my favorite blog posts that I have written:

Running Scared
Some Pig
Women are from Mars, Men are just stupid
12 Years Ago Today

-The kids and I slept until 9 am this morning, we were in our pajamas until noon, I showered and finally finished getting ready at 2 pm, just to stay at home and do nothing.  I love spring break.

-I do not think I am a good writer, I think I am a good blogger. 

-I hate oranges.  But I enjoy orange juice.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I would drinks tons and tons of orange juice, now when I see it or drink it, it reminds me of them.  That does not necessarily make me sad, I enjoy the few memories I have with them.

-I love coffee.  Since losing the twins I have been drinking a lot of coffee, my day is sometimes better when I have a McDonald's coffee in my hand.

-I played softball for many years, I was a catcher.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop now, somethings have to remain a mystery.

As always, thank you for listening.  If you haven't already, tell me something about you, okay?

Longwinded and Totally Random

Hashimoto's Disease - It appears as though my Hashimoto's is rearing it's ugly head again.  I had blood work done just days before losing the twins and the results showed that my levels were a little off.  I had a doctor's appointment two weeks ago about my thyroid but since my body's hormone levels are totally out of whack, we can't really take any type of action with medication.  I have a blood test scheduled to test my thyroid levels and my iron levels in two weeks.  I have been very, very tired, no matter how much sleep I have been getting, the type of tired I feel when my thyroid has dropped, which is very, very tired.  (am I getting that point across?)

Good Food - Would you believe people are still providing meals for us?  And what have I learned from everyone's generosity?  That I need to improve on my cooking skills.  For the past two weeks, Lynette has arranged for the Moms in our Mommy's Group to bring meals to our home and it has been incredible.  Everything has been so delicious.  And now, this week, my cousin, who owns a business making dinners, has provided dinners for us this week.  The sad part is that all of the dinners end this week, which means I'll be in charge of making dinners for us next week, it's back to the land of spaghetti and Schwan's chicken.

The Laundry - Since my Mom and my sister keep folding our laundry, I realize I'm not very good at folding laundry either.  I think I already knew that, though.

My Closet -  This past weekend my sister, Sarah, came to visit and she helped me clean out my closet which was filled with maternity clothes.  Completely and totally filled with maternity clothes.  Every time I walked into my closet I was filled with sadness and dread.  Back in January, when we were preparing our house to go on the market, I packed all of my non-maternity clothes into boxes and we put them into storage, thinking that when we moved I would unpack those regular clothes after my pregnancy.  I never though for a second that it would not happen that way.  This weekend, Brian went back into storage and pulled out my regular clothes and we washed them and put them back into my closet.  And when I say "we" I mean "Sarah" because this was one task that I just has to remove myself from completely.

Showings - This past weekend we also had three showings.  It was a very busy weekend.  Maybe that's why I'm so tired???

American Idol -  Despite everything, we have been watching American Idol, it's the one and only show we watch every week and I have to say, I love this season.  I also have to say that I can't stand to watch Amanda Overmeyer perform, it's like nails on a chalkboard.  And I really would like to see her leave, I know she's a Hoosier n' all, but I just can't stand the voice, the hair, the leg shaking and the occasional tongue sticking out after a performance.  Makes me crazy.  Am I alone?  So far I have been very pleased with who has been sent home each week, let's see if it continues...

E-mails - So many of you have sent me a personal e-mail and I wish I could respond to all of them, but I just can't.  Mainly because it's just too hard, however, I have read every single e-mail that has come through and every single one touches me and means so much.  I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to send me an e-mail and sharing your condolences, stories and insight with me.

California - Brian is booking our trip right now as we speak.  Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to go.  I'm sure it's going to be a very, very good thing.

Finally, thank you so much to everyone who has made a donation to our walk honoring James and Jake and Lydia, everyone's generosity has been mind blowing, it's truly something that I lay in bed and think about the fact that there are so many kind, loving, caring individuals out there, who want to help make a difference.  So, thank you, thank you so very much.  And thank you to the individuals who have joined our team or formed a team in their area honoring the twins, there are no other words, just thank you from the bottom of our hearts.   We are in awe.

Random thoughts, scary drawings and an extra large belly shot

This past Saturday I had the privilege of having dinner with four other fine bloggers.  Carrington from Capri by the Lake, Jen from Mommy Instincts, Lynette from A Day in the Life of the Ordinary and Crooked Eyebrow.  The food was fantastic, the service was divine and the company was awesome. 

One of the highlights was being able to snap pictures of Carrington's scrumptious daughter.  In this picture she is being held by Crooked Eyebrow who apparently is also known as the The Baby Whisperer.  It's good for me to have this information, no doubt about it.  Hopefully she has this talent with a child in each arm, say this June or July.  Maybe she'll even have to move in with me for awhile.  Or forever. 

I decided to take President's Day off from, well, everything.  The kids and I literally spent the entire day at my Mom's house with my sister and her two kids.  Ariel and Racecar enjoyed a ten hour play date, without a nap, so by the end of the day, once we got home, I was VERY READY to put them to bed.  Quickly.  Without delay.  Interestingly enough, they did not seem to have a problem with that decision.

While there, my sister, Amy, who is the "artist" of the family and who also has quite the sense of humor, decided to draw random pictures throughout the day.  Here is one she drew of me after I became a little upset about something:

I'm not sure what I was upset about, but I must have been very angry.

One thing I accomplished at my Mom's was sitting around.  A LOT.  In a very hard wooden chair, which absolutely killed my butt, I was literally in pain.  Amy documented one of my most shining moments of the day:

In case you are wondering, no one would massage my butt.

and then she drew a picture of the twins.  Wearing bathrobes.  The one on the right apparently has a dislocated right shoulder and a club foot, and do I even need to mention their eyes?  I do have to say, that as scary as these pictures are, she did a pretty good job of making them identical.  By the way, if you are interested in having a portrait done of yourself or of your children, please e-mail me and I can check my sister's availability.

And here is my belly at 18 weeks, 1 day.  Holy belly, batman. 

Here is a comparison shot of my belly at 15w, 5 days, just about 2 and a half weeks ago.

At this rate, by the time I'm 30 weeks, I'll be the size of a...I don't even want to think about it.