I Should Be Folding Laundry

This is Me

I hesitate to blog today because I don't know what I'm going to write.  I know what I want to write, but I'm having difficulty writing it.

I want to go on and on about my heartbreak.  But I wonder, aren't you tired of hearing about it, yet? 

I want to talk about my therapy session last night, which was so difficult as I talked to the therapist about how hard it is to accept that just six weeks ago I held both perfect babies in my arms and how I wish I could have held them more.  I wish I would have held them more.  Their perfect faces, their perfect toes, their perfect fingers, their mouths that reminded me of Racecar's mouth, these are all images I will never forget, images that I cherish so much, but they are images that are so hard to let my mind travel to.  These images make their death so real.  When I look at their pictures, when they are side by side, I feel like a proud Mama seeing how identical they were, even in death their perfection astounds me, it moves me.  Their perfection makes it harder for me to accept their deaths.

I do not accept their death.  But I am proud to be their Mama.

I wonder if you know how much a comment means to me?  I wonder if you know that I can never hear I'm thinking of you too often.  Every e-mail that comes through my inbox, there's no such thing as too many e-mails.  Because it means love.  And love carries one through grief.  I still need to be carried.  Thank you for helping to carry me so far.

I only write here when I feel like it, I am surprised by how much I feel like writing, it feels so good to get thoughts out there that otherwise would be imprisoned inside my mind.  I wake up each morning not knowing what I'll write about or if I'll write at all, maybe I'll write about dirty jeans, maybe I'll write about James and Jake.

Some days I wonder if I'll be back at all, I consider journaling privately.  Would that be better for me?  I don't know.  I know what I have written may help other women who may have experienced a loss like mine.  I learned of a quote recently, don't hog your journey, it's not just for you.  And I believe that for me.  I believe that for you.

I can't believe I can feel such glorious love for my family,  I can feel such appreciation for warm, sunny days, I can sit and marvel at the sounds of birds singing,  but my heart, my heart hurts so badly.  I'm thankful for the good.  I'm pissed off at the bad. 

I'm trying to figure out how to be me on this blog.  I struggle.  I really struggle.

This is me.  The good.  The bad.  The funny.  The ugly.  I am not the same as I once was, and that saddens me to no end, but I'm trying hard to get to know me as I am now, I'm trying hard to accept me.  And I will.  In time.

Decisions

I feel like I always have such difficult decisions to make these days.  Maybe for you, they may not seem like such difficult decisions, but for me, they are excruciating.

Today's difficult decision?

Should I stay in bed, while Brian is home and stay in my pajamas all day?

or should I get showered and dressed and enjoy the semi-warm spring temperatures?

It probably seems obvious, but who says staying in bed all day isn't good for me?  I haven't stayed in bed for an entire day, yet.  Aren't I entitled to just one?  I'm comfortable, I'm content, why do I feel guilty staying in bed?

The kids are going outside with Daddy and I can't help but feel like I'd be missing out on the moments, the laughter, the picture taking opportunities.

And the birds.

When I can hear birds singing, I feel like James and Jake are sending the birds to me, singing me a gentle song.

I've never loved that sound so much in my life.

I think I need to go outside.

or open my windows and listen to the birds from my bed.

I just can't decide.

This past Thursday

It's been a long time since I've sat down and written a post.  I do feel I needed a break but I have also been very busy, finding it difficult to find the time to sit down and write a post.  Being busy is good.  Real good.

I have many fears.  I didn't know that when someone suffered a loss that fear could overtake their body.  I guess I should say, I didn't know that when I suffered a loss that fear would take over MY body.  I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for me.  But I wonder if you understand.

I have many fears and many anxieties.  Many of my anxieties are in social situations, I'm not sure why, but even the thought of dinner with friends makes my stomach drop to the ground and I feel very uneasy.  Just describing that situation right now brings that feeling to me.  I hate it.  I can't stand it.  If I never have that feeling again, it would bring me so much relief.  But I know I will have that feeling, that feeling that something bad will happen, a feeling of darkness, over and over again.  Forever.

The interesting thing about dinner with friends, is that I KNOW it would be so good for me, but I think I fear the unknown, not so much the presence of my friends.  Not knowing how people will react to me, not knowing how I will react to them, I don't want people to feel discomfort around me, I want them to be comfortable, to say anything, to ask anything, but it's not that easy.

I have simple fears, like fearing a visit to my hair salon, seeing my hair stylist.   Believe it or not, Jessica, my stylist, was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy, in fact, when I told her, it felt like I was lying to her, the news hadn't even set in with me.  But I told her because I didn't want her to let me cut my hair off during my pregnancy.  I've been known to do that once twice before.  After the twins died, I didn't know how I was going to be able to walk into my salon and tell these people, these people who REJOICED with me every time I went in, I didn't know how I would tell them of our losses, our grief.  I would just imagine walking in and my body would grow numb with fear. 

Somehow, someway, Jessica read James and Jake's obituary in the paper and sent us a card - so I knew she knew and that made things easier, but still going into the salon was something I feared.  Even just making the appointment over the phone was something that filled me with dread.

I feared going into my doctor's office where we learned James and Jake were boys.  My doctor has two offices, I had already, dreadfully, gone to one.  But the other, the other office was filled with amazing ultrasounds, two appointments that we loved and enjoyed so much.  Two amazing moments, shared with Brian, shared with the ultrasound tech, who has twins herself, two appointments that filled me with joy like I had never experienced.  I can remember her saying to us "you are so blessed."  Seeing these two amazing boys and knowing the love and joy they would add to the family I cherish, I could not imagine how I could possibly contain my happiness, my love.  I remember these two appointments and although I feel such sadness now, it does amaze me that we could share such joy with our boys when they were just in my belly.  A good memory with them, we do have so few.

This past Thursday, I faced these fears.  Head on.  I took Racecar to the salon for a haircut, I dropped Ariel and Racecar off at my friend's house while I went to the other doctor's office for another appointment and I went to dinner with my best friend, my soul sister. 

Some moments were good and some moments felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, there were moments of reality and clarity, there were moments of certainty and uncertainty and moments of laughter and tears.  I liked it.  I hated it.  It was a day of strength and courage; strength and courage that I have been doubting that I had.

I would never have thought that these simple, ordinary events could turn into life hurdles, but that is just what they were.  Giant hurdles.  And I jumped over them and landed on my feet.  This past Thursday.

I am certain that the ultrasound tech was right, we are so blessed.

Random things about me

In an effort to "repay" you for the many, many random thoughts and pieces of information you have all left for me on this post, I thought I would do the same for you.

So, I write this post, a post listing random things about me, as a distraction, a reminder of other things that are going on in my life, other things that have happened in my life.  Thank you to all of you who have left comments here, I do hope you continue.  If you haven't left one, please do, I'd love to hear from you. 

Here you go:

-Last night I had a dream about two girls that used to live in our neighborhood growing up.  They did not have any siblings, I could never understand what that must be like, not having any brothers or sisters.  But now I wonder if it was decision their parents made or if they could not have other children.  When I was younger I was oblivious to the fact that people could not have children.  I think I dreamed of the two girls because one of them sent me a card when she learned of James and Jake.  I hadn't heard from her since high school.  If you ever learn that an old friend of yours has lost a loved one, send them a card, no matter how long it's been, your thoughtfulness will mean the world to the person.  I guarantee it.

-When I was a senior in high school, I was the editor of my school newspaper.

-Last May a tornado hit our area.  I was home alone with the kids, they were napping and it was all I could to run into their rooms and grab them out their beds and run down to the basement.  They were scared, I was scared.  I remember shaking for hours.  Thankfully, we were safe.  Now, anytime there is a storm, I completely prepare for the worst, I have shoes ready, my cell phone ready and water ready.

-I love summer.  Hot, beautiful, sunny, green, glorious summer. 

-I don't think I'm supposed to live in the Midwest.  I dream of moving to a place that is warm year round.

-I often find myself watching Will & Grace and Friends reruns on my TV in my bedroom before bed.  I love it.

-This is my 701st post.

-I love taking pictures.  If I could choose a profession right now, I would choose to be a photographer.  One of my favorite non-people pictures that I have taken is this one:

and I love the textures in this picture:

-Brian and I used to play hours and hours of Unreal Tournament on our computers before having children.  We'd spend hours into the night shooting and sniping and killing each other.  It was awesome.   We invited many people to play with us, almost all of them became addicted, too.  I played last year, after that I had a nightmare about death.  I haven't played since.

-In August of 2001, Brian told me he was ready to have children, we were at a Cubs game.  I never knew if I was ready or not, I just left it in his hands knowing that when he was ready, I would be ready.  We started trying the following month and I got pregnant in May of 2002.

-I got pregnant again in May of 2003.  Ariel and Racecar are 360 days apart, I love that.  So much.

-Brian and I honeymooned in Barbados.  It took us all day to get there, when we finally arrived I cried because I missed my family.  I've been romantic ever since.

-My highest weight was 220 or 226, I can't remember.  I now weigh five pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with the twins.  My weight today is 169. 

-I usually love food, but right now I don't care about it.

-I believe the reason I started blogging was so I could journal about dealing with the loss of James and Jake, I started blogging in January of 2006 to keep in touch with my friends who lived across the country.  One of my favorite comments was by a reader named Josh, who agrees with my belief, this is what he wrote:  You know, the inspiration to create this blog to share your happy, fun times, when sadness wasn't present, was a miracle from God. God is truly wonderful. He provides the healing before the sickness even strikes. This cathartic potential has been present all along, and it's only now sadly reaching its true creation's purpose. It's so very true.

Some of the comments left here are the most beautiful things I have ever read.

-I have many friends who do not know about my blog. 

-These are some of my favorite blog posts that I have written:

Running Scared
Some Pig
Women are from Mars, Men are just stupid
12 Years Ago Today

-The kids and I slept until 9 am this morning, we were in our pajamas until noon, I showered and finally finished getting ready at 2 pm, just to stay at home and do nothing.  I love spring break.

-I do not think I am a good writer, I think I am a good blogger. 

-I hate oranges.  But I enjoy orange juice.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I would drinks tons and tons of orange juice, now when I see it or drink it, it reminds me of them.  That does not necessarily make me sad, I enjoy the few memories I have with them.

-I love coffee.  Since losing the twins I have been drinking a lot of coffee, my day is sometimes better when I have a McDonald's coffee in my hand.

-I played softball for many years, I was a catcher.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop now, somethings have to remain a mystery.

As always, thank you for listening.  If you haven't already, tell me something about you, okay?

undomesticated

I'm feeling a little, uhhhhh, lazy lately.

The laundry needs to be tackled.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The kids' rooms are disasters.  but to clean them would require bending over.

My bedroom is a mess.  as usual.

There's dust just about everywhere, but I don't seem to care that much.

The kitchen floors could be mopped, but I'd rather not.  quite frankly.

I should vacuum, sweep and swiffer, but there are so many blogs to read!

The bathrooms could use a good wipe down, but how boring, plus it's kind of interesting to see how quickly soap scum and toothpaste can cover every square inch of the counter top.

I'm a little surprised that I'm showered, the kids are bathed and the kitchen counters have been wiped down in the past 24 hours.  But, I'm all about high standards.  obviously.

Yes, yes, I'm pregnant and tired and every moment I seem to grow another centimeter, but still, I sure would love to be able to race around and clean my house without grunting when I bend over.

I try to get my husband to really pitch in and help, but apparently that request confuses him.  To help him understand, last week I said "how about, whenever you see ANYTHING laying on the floor, you pick it up and put it away and then I won't have to bend over."

He said "okay, no problem." Which, I guess, could also have been taken as "shutthehellup, fatty."

What we have here, is a failure to communicate, apparently.  I guess to better demonstrate my lack of desire to bend over, I'll stuff a beach ball filled with sand underneath his skin in the belly region and ask him to clean the house.  with a smile on his face.

I'll be sure to take pictures.

*edited to add - my husband really is very helpful, I mean, he empties the dishwasher EVERY SINGLE MORNING, he almost always cleans up after dinner and he takes out the trash and bathes the kids, so it's not like he's a jerk or anything, it's just that he won't bend over and pick up all of the crap off the floor.

that's all.

14,775

I had an OB appointment today.  If it seems I see my OB weekly, it's because I do.  BUT, after today I wait a whole two weeks before going back.  Luckily, each visit has been fun.  There is nothing better than hearing these boys in my belly.

My doctor received the results from my holter monitor that I wore last week.  I should stop and tell you that my heart palpitations miraculously stopped last Friday.  Ever since then I have felt pretty normal.  The monitor recorded my heart rate for 24 hours and found that my heart had an irregular rhythm 14,775 times.  That's a lot.  And although I do feel better, I go in for an echo cardiogram next week, just to make sure my heart is handling this increased blood volume okay.

Today I am 17 weeks, 4 days pregnant and I am measuring 21 weeks.

Tonight, the kids, Brian and I are going out to dinner to "celebrate" Valentine's Day.  We also "celebrated" this past Saturday by taking the kids to see a movie for the first time ever.  We saw Alvin and the Chipmunks and they loved every single second of our time there.  It was worth the $40 we spent for the 90 minutes we were there.  At least, I think it was.  We would go to dinner tomorrow night but Brian is doing the most romantic thing tomorrow.  He is leaving for a business trip to San Francisco and leaving me alone, pregnant with twins, with the kids and a house on the market until Monday.  Just call him Casanova.

No, I'm not bitter.  Not bitter at all.

So very, very random

-My Birthday.  My birthday was really great.  Very low key.  Honestly, the day was like any other, since Brian spoils me so much as it is, every day feels like my birthday.  He did bring me pre-birthday flowers on Wednesday and a bigger bouquet yesterday.  Then he ordered my favorite cake from Coldstone Creamery.  The kids and I went to lunch with one of my best, best, best friends, we then came home, took a nap, woke up and we walked through a house we REALLY like a second time, then we met my parents and my niece for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  We came home, sang Happy Birthday (is there anything better than hearing your kids sing happy birthday to you?), we ate cake and not an hour later did I pass out on my chair.  I'm a party animal, if nothing else.  Thank you for all of your birthday wishes, I loved them!

-The Showing.  The showing went VERY well.  The family is very interested in our house and another house in our area.  They are meeting with a loan officer on Monday, they are not in a huge hurry to purchase a home.  They were in our house for 45 minutes! There was no negative feedback and that feels really good.  YEE-HAW!
 
-My heart monitor.  It felt really good to take the mo'fo off.  I was feeling a lot of burning and itching, when I peeled the monitors off my skin was raised and very red, it's still raised and red and burns.  I feel like I have a sun burn and it itches.  And when I itch it, it looks like I'm itching my boob.  It's fun.

-I'm going to dinner with my friends tonight, and I can't wait.

-Let's see, what else.  Oh yes, I do not like Brooke Shields.  There.  I said it.

-I only ate one cupcake and I did sorta hide, leaning over the countertop in my kitchen.  I sorta wish someone had taken my picture while doing it, but I'm very glad nobody did.  I still have one cupcake left.

-I'm announcing a contest tonight or tomorrow on my blog.  It has to do with these two babies in my belly.  Be sure to check back.

-If you want to read a real post by me, go here.

-We are planning a bloggy meet-up next Saturday (the 16th) at 5:30.  If you are in the Northwest Indiana vicinity and would like to attend, let me know.  (click on the words e-mail me on the right) Bloggers planning to attend: this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one.  so far.  And maybe this one, if we are very, very lucky. (adults only!)

-One of my readers, Shelli, asked me what my favorite "halfway healthy food" is.   Honestly, I do not like fruits and vegetables.  Isn't that funny?  No, it's not?  Oh, well, it's pretty true.  I do LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE salads.  I eat many salads throughout the week.  Also, fiber is very important to me at this point in my life because pooping does not come easily to me during this pregnancy.  I love almost all Fiber One cereals, I eat at least one bowl each morning with a huge glass of orange juice.    I recently discovered (thanks to a ton of people telling me about them) Fiber One bars.  They are so freakin' good I can hardly take it.  And they have 9 grams of fiber.  So far I have had three flavors - oats and caramel, oats and peanut butter and oats and chocolate.  And oh my, they are all delicious.

I love firm, red seedless grapes, red delicious apples, cantaloupe and pears.  (well, I like pears)  And I like green beans and sometimes crave celery.  And I also love Papa John's pizza, which we are having for dinner tomorrow night as part of my birthday celebration.  (see? my birthday never ends!)  yes, Papa John's is sorta healthy - tomatoes, dairy, protein.  It's perfect.

Honestly, although I talk a lot about very fattening foods on this here blog, I do watch what I eat all of the time.  I am steadily gaining weight, which is so much fun, but I'm aware of everything I eat, while I gain.  I can't imagine how much weight I would have gained if I didn't pay attention.  (no, I will not tell you how much weight I have gained.  For a hint, however, think "whales."

-Oh my God, is this the longest post ever?

-I no longer want to eat Cookie Crisp.  :(

-I'm way behind on American Idol and I don't really feel affected by the writer's strike at all.  Thanks, TLC!

All right, that's it.  Check back later for my contest announcement. 

Especially if you think you are a little psychic.

Another Year Older

It's my birthday.  I am 31.  I'm going to celebrate with a very special treat, something that I have craved since the beginning of this pregnancy and have only given in one time.  Today, I'll give in a second time. 

A nice cold glass a milk and a cupcake, or two.

It's a little different from my birthday celebration last year when we got drunk with Jim Gaffigan, but that's okay.  Wouldn't birthdays be boring if we did same thing every single year?

This year, pregnant with twins, drinking milk and eating cupcakes.

Last year, drinking with Jim Gaffigan.

You know, I have a hard time deciding which one I'd rather do, let's just say I'm pretty happy with this year's celebration.

I just have to figure out if I want to eat my cupcakes alone, in the bathroom without the kids, or share with them sitting on my lap. 

Decisions, decisions.

For the record

This is not fun. 

or comfortable.  There are more sticker node thingys (the technical terms) underneath my shirt and I'm pretty sure each sticker node thingy is laced with something that makes me itch and want to rip each one off.  Only sixteen more hours.  Only sixteen more hours. 

You'll be happy to know that today has been a much more relaxed day.  More relaxed than what we have had in a long, long time.  The realtors that came by today liked the house, nothing but positive comments, that I know of.  (I wasn't here for their visit)  THEN, someone scheduled a viewing for tomorrow.  The same person as yesterday, thankyouverymuch.

Things are relaxed, optimistic and we are still in a constant state of cleaning.  Which is okay.

As long as I have my ice cream sundae cones to reward me for all of my hard work, it is okay.

hmmm...

I guess if I have a blog, then I should certainly blog, right?

Well, I will do my best, however, blogging right now is probably not the best idea as I am having a terrible time keeping my eyes open.  My fingers are even so tired that they are slurring words on the keyboard. 

Yesterday, we looked at five houses and we fell in love with a house.  And then we came home and watched the Superbowl and while we had it paused towards the end of the game, I received an e-mail from Dick's Sporting Goods telling me who had won the Superbowl.  And although I was glad it was the Giants, I did not appreciate Dick's Sporting Goods telling me about it.  They sent out a mass e-mail just minutes after the game trying to sell me Giants Superbowl gear, but all they did was ruin the end.  And that just pisses me off.

Then this morning I created a HUGE to-do list at home because a group of realtors are coming through our house tomorrow morning and all I keep thinking is that the better our house is the more likely they'll tell a client about it, so, after asking my Mom to spend her only day off at my house to help me, then my Dad coming over directly after work to help and Brian coming home from work and jumping right in, we have finally sat down after cleaning, dusting, painting, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, laundering, organizing and Windexing ALL DAY LONG.

And although my body was tired and I felt like I couldn't take another step many hours ago, seeing that dream house yesterday sure did motivate me.

All this today and I barely slept last night.  I laid down to sleep at 11:15 p.m., I woke up to pee at 2 a.m. and stayed awake until 5:30 a.m. only to wake up at 6:30 a.m.

Needless to say, I am exhausted.  Too exhausted for blogging, so I'm heading away from my computer and heading towards my bed.

But first, I thought you'd like to know that tomorrow I am heading to the hospital to have a heart monitor put on for 24 hours which is not fun at all.  But very worth it because finding an answer to my heart palpitations would be a wonderful thing.

And finally -- we already received a call from someone wanting to view our house.  In our "for sale" paperwork, we asked for a 24 hour notice for viewing requests and this person called at 12:30 today and wanted to come in for a viewing at 4:30.  Today of all days, it was not possible.  I turned them down.

And I'm so glad I did.  If they are truly interested, they'll call back.  oh yes, they will.

And with that?  I'm going to bed.

Good night, friends.